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OK, I know that lies shouldn't come as a surprise to me. They really shouldn't. And, quite honestly, I've come to expect the Big Lies about infidelities and drinking. I guess I can almost understand the Big Lies: it's too painful for AH to tell the Big Truths and face himself and his actions.
I just didn't expect the little lies--the things that really make no difference to me and don't hurt me.
AH recently got a ticket for an expired license plate and no insurance card. No big deal: it was the first time he had his motorcycle out since winter. We hadn't gotten the sticker on the license plate and he just didn't have the insurance verification card with him (bike is insured). Again, no big deal.
When AH told me about the ticket, I asked, "Did the cop get you for speeding?" My voice and body were non-judgmental because I didn't have an ounce of judgment in asking the question. I've had speeding tickets. They happen, especially since we live in an area notorious for speed traps. Truly, no big deal.
AH said he did not get a speeding ticket, only violations for expired plate and no insurance verification. I believed him.
I just found out he did get a speeding ticket (for some reason, I looked at the online public court records). AH was going 26-30 MPH OVER the speed limit (55 is the limit in the area where he was pulled over). That means he had the motorcycle flying down the road at over 80 MPH!
Even that isn't all that surprising to me. And, he might have gotten from me a "Wow, should you really be going that fast on the bike?" But, I wouldn't have taken his keys away or told him to sell the bike. Why lie? He knows it will eventually appear on our insurance and I will see it.
Wow, I had no idea the lying had become this bad.
Now, can someone tell me if the sky is really blue? AH said it was, but I'm not sure I believe him. I'm going to have to do some research before I know for sure.
I hate to say this, but A's lie. Why? I don't know. Maybe just because. As far as I know my ah has never lied to me except when he's drinking. Then it's not even about the obvious things - ¨No, I haven't been drinking¨ but stupid little lies that make no sense. I don't understand it, he lies about things when the truth would make no difference or even be better than the lies he tells. It's just the way it is and I've come to the point that I don't believe half of what my ah tells me. I'm sorry it's come to that but I have to be realistic. And that means I judge things by what I see, not by what ah tells me.
Aloha tired...People lie...everyone lies at times. I lied and became aware during the inventory stages of recovery that I lied because I was afraid to tell the truth. I had a fearful personality and was afraid of how I would appear under the truth. I was also afraid of being judged by who I might tell the truth to and I was fearful of the negative reactions of the person I had given power over me; mother, wife, lover, teacher, anyone with perceived power. I didn't want to suffer the consequences of the truth so I lied...got inventive...manipulated the truth...copped out to denial, all that stuff.
He lied to you about it because maybe he fears you more than loves you. If you were in his place how would you look or react if he told you the truth? What would be your honest reaction? Getting pissed at the alcoholic for me was a set up...She already was weak and screwed up with lots of faults...one more bad decision with negative consequences "for me" (never mind her) would cause a reaction I could do a week of meetings on.
I had to understand the "my part in it" in order to understand the "her part in it" or lies. She felt guilt, shame and fearful about my reactions which could go from zero to interplanetary and anywhere in between with out warning. I lied for all of those same reasons to others I gave power to in my life. Scared as hell.
Posts on not telling the truth are helpful for me. Thanks for the thread. (((hugs)))
If you know he lies, cheats, and is an active alcoholic....what are you going to do about it? Doesn't seem like any of these things are going to change by "venting." Yes, everyone hear can empathize. It makes me angry to hear that you are getting treated so badly. None of us can fix your husband...If I could, I would drag his ass to detox and scream at him to grow the hell up (though that probably wouldn't change anything). I know I can't tell you that you should leave...But I also dont feel commiserating is going to help you either. What plans to do YOU have to change what you can?
Your other choice would seem to be accepting what you cannot change which is that he really seems like an emotionally abusive louse of a husband (sorry to label someone I don't know but you have gone to lengths to portray him that way anyhow).
So what do you intend to do other than be frustrated and angry?
I find myself using the "he'll either drink or he won't, what will you do" phrase and substituting different behaviours for the word drink. He'll either abuse me or he won't, what will I do? He'll either lie or he won't, what will I do? He'll either accuse me of affairs or he won't, what will I do? Its very helpful for me to explore before it happens again, exactly what WILL I do? Will I take it? will I object? will I take it quietly and just not talk to him for awhile? will I say something,tell him his words hurt and I won't put up with it anymore? (which I did to the affair accusations, caused a big blow up which I did not care that it caused because I'd made up my mind what I was going to do to stop the constant accusations). I am detached enough, ready to divorce, to not be blackmailed by emotions into giving into his insanity - makes him mad, ha, oh well, he can get glad in the same skin he is mad in! What are you going to do next time he lies? It's up to you.
__________________
I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
So what do you intend to do other than be frustrated and angry?
First, I am learning to feel frustrated and angry... and hurt and sad... and happy--my own happiness created by me for me. I've pushed aside real emotions, especially the "bad" ones, for a long time.
I am recently out of denial. I have many moments when something happens (discovering another lie) when I step back in amazement that AH is really that bad, that his alcoholism has taken over that much. Who is this alien possessing his body? And why has it taken me so long to see it?
So, what am I doing about my frustration and anger? I'm taking it to meetings, to my therapist, to my trusted friends. I'm writing about it on here.
So, what am I going to do other than be frustrated and angry? I'm pursing my life-long dream to write professionally by contacting other professional writers, joining writing groups, attending workshops/classes, submitting writing pieces, and working toward making my dream a reality. I'm trying to build a life for my children that is functional whether or not AH can participate. I'm meeting friends for dinner. I'm making new friends. I'm going to yoga. I'm going to meetings and learning from the ESH of the old-timers in Al-Anon who laugh and tell the most hilarious jokes. I'm finding my voice to tell AH when he is being an ass--a simple voice with few words without offering a dissertation on the nature of ass-ness.
Walking out the door or throwing my AH out is not the option I choose right now. We went through an 8-month separation (I was still in denial about the A and my co-dependency at the time). It is a hell I don't want to experience again. I realize leaving is not an escape. The problems don't go away. I will still be me--a co-dependent wife of an alcoholic. AH will still be him. He will forever be a part of my life whether I like it or not.
None of that means I have to live in misery. It means I learn to build my happiness. I learn how to take care of myself. And I teach my children how to take care of themselves.
Thank you, pinkchip, for making me write this out so I can see I am living positive things alongside the negative things in my life.
Edited to add: I did ask AH about the ticket last night. I simply said, "So, what's going on with the ticket?" I wanted to give him the opportunity to tell the truth. His words: "I turned it over to an attorney because I could get in a lot of trouble." I asked. He replied. Now, it is in the hands of good ol' HP.
Edited again to add: I have made a personal choice to wait a year before I make any major life changing decisions.
-- Edited by Very Very Tired on Friday 29th of April 2011 09:12:05 AM
No...thank you. You just clarified your own ESH...that is a great thing. You need to share that stuff not just for you, but for others who don't have any solutions.
So many great replies here. I really identify with this. Someone answered me when I wrote in about lying -" Don't ask questions, you know the answers to." Also, I may add that even if we really don't know the answer, like your question about the speeding ticket, the A just simply can't tell the truth. They don't know what your response will be and more importantly what their response will be. By lying, they avoid it all. They have been conditioned to answer everything with no. I also got an answer, "what are you crazy?" I truly felt that way sometimes. Lying is a horrible thing with any person especially our loved ones, whom we are supposed to trust. We just need to keep our truths. I found that ignoring the situation, (took lots of practice and time) and just taking care of myself, was healing to me. If I confronted and my AH lied, it only made me feel awful. I actually once got an answer out of him as to why he lied and he gave me a one word answer, FEAR. That's as far as it got. I made a plan to end as many sentences I could with periods not question marks. I felt better. My AH has been recovering with some blips in the road but for the most part I feel hopeful about him and more importantly, feel better about ME!!! I wish you all the best.
I am 3 months out of my off/on rel'ship with my exabf. I tend to think they lie because they have to make themselves out to be someone who has it all together. They're trying to maintain this facade of perfection-it's really more about lying to THEMSELVES, and what's going on with THEM, rather than anything having to do with us.
Plus, dishonesty and denial is a requirement for the disease to thrive.
Very Very Tired wrote:
OK, I know that lies shouldn't come as a surprise to me. They really shouldn't. And, quite honestly, I've come to expect the Big Lies about infidelities and drinking. I guess I can almost understand the Big Lies: it's too painful for AH to tell the Big Truths and face himself and his actions.
I just didn't expect the little lies--the things that really make no difference to me and don't hurt me.
AH recently got a ticket for an expired license plate and no insurance card. No big deal: it was the first time he had his motorcycle out since winter. We hadn't gotten the sticker on the license plate and he just didn't have the insurance verification card with him (bike is insured). Again, no big deal.
When AH told me about the ticket, I asked, "Did the cop get you for speeding?" My voice and body were non-judgmental because I didn't have an ounce of judgment in asking the question. I've had speeding tickets. They happen, especially since we live in an area notorious for speed traps. Truly, no big deal.
AH said he did not get a speeding ticket, only violations for expired plate and no insurance verification. I believed him.
I just found out he did get a speeding ticket (for some reason, I looked at the online public court records). AH was going 26-30 MPH OVER the speed limit (55 is the limit in the area where he was pulled over). That means he had the motorcycle flying down the road at over 80 MPH!
Even that isn't all that surprising to me. And, he might have gotten from me a "Wow, should you really be going that fast on the bike?" But, I wouldn't have taken his keys away or told him to sell the bike. Why lie? He knows it will eventually appear on our insurance and I will see it.
Wow, I had no idea the lying had become this bad.
Now, can someone tell me if the sky is really blue? AH said it was, but I'm not sure I believe him. I'm going to have to do some research before I know for sure.
AH said it was, but I'm not sure I believe him. I'm going to have to do some research before I know for sure.