The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
what brought me to this place and face to face al anon meetings is a huge fight that my AH and i got into about 2 weeks ago. we are not usually the yelling and screaming out of control type fighters - we usually just clam up....which is not healthy either. but this fight was both yelling and screaming and pushing and shoving and throwing things....and eventually the police were called. it was ugly. and very scary to me as i have not ever witnessed such rage - in myself or in him - like that before. and yes, of course, he had been drinking prior to the incident. i am the one that started it - i confronted him about a past infidelity.
so....there is some back story. after that fight, we had several conversations and several long emails back and forth - as this seems to be the best way for each of us to get our true thoughts and feelings out to each other. for the first time ever i actually said...you are an alcoholic - it is a disease and you need help. i had never said that to him before...it had always been along the lines of...you drink too much, you need to cut back or stop drinking....but not ever outright telling him he was sick.
he did not drink anything for 4 days. but since then, he has drank every single day. which that in itself is somewhat unusual. and it is almost like it is in my face. when he comes in and kisses me, he leans back to gauge my reaction to the obvious beer on his breath.
and let me preface this next part by saying i am in NO WAY assuming blame for this. i am just curious - because i laid it out to him that way (and he enthusiastically denied it) is this his way of sort of getting back at me? or on some unconscious level does he think...well, the cats out of the bag now, no since in trying to hide it. i'm just wondering if that one conversation did more harm than good.
and let me ask one more question....how should i react to the obvious beer on his breath? i am still working on Step One - and i do not have a sponsor as of yet. so i don't really have an outlet to ask these things. i feel that i am beginning to be less obsessive about his drinking. i have not gone looking for the beer cans in the car or trash. i know he was at a bar earlier this week but i did not go online to our bank account to see where or how much he spent. these are baby steps for me. but i am not sure how i should react to him when he's obviously been drinking. usually i just turn cold and seperate myself from him - which in turn makes him feel justified becasue i am such a b*tch. so...i'm kind of feeling in limbo right now not knowing what my reaction should be.
Accept the fact that he drinks and dont react , trying to reason with an alcoholic is a waste of time and effort and you will usually end up in an argument . He is only doing what drinkers do == drink . You are attending meetings now , pick up our ODAT our daily reader it is great for beginners go to page on July 14th it will give you a guide on what to do and what not to do . that page and the detachment pamphlet changed my life I read them both every day for months til I was actually making an effort to do what it says . changed attitudes aid recovery * I thought they meant his * not , they meant mine .go figure . When you confronted your husb the cat is out of the bag now he knows that you know he has a problem and going to meetings the secret is out . My husb told me that his biggest problem with me going to meetings was that now there were 2 of us who knew he had a problem . Keep going and keep the focus on you . Louise
I would agree with you, you are at step 1. However, the only way I could properly work this step is with a sponsor. I tried on my own in complete failure. To me step one has two parts to it and sometime most easily worked backwards.
1. is your life unmanageable?
2. are you powerless?
If you are at this point, then consider going to a meeting and asking for a temporary sponsor.
As for react regarding his beer drinking. I turn to our literature for guidance. On pp 267 in Courage to Change book which states: If I am always reacting, I am never free.
My guess is that he has been drinking just as much in the past, but he was trying to conceal it. But the truth is, their drinking makes them insane. Whatever is going on in his mind, it's not the thoughts of a rational person.
The saying goes, "He's going to drink or not drink, what are you going to do?" The cat's out of the bag -- he knows you know -- now he's waiting to see if you'll stick around for the chaos. Probably time for some Al-Anon meetings. Hugs.
I guess it is the definition of the word. When in doubt "don't" is one of the sayings in al anon. Of course when you are around an alcoholic its easy to be triggered, set off and get swamped with resentment. No one is a saint.
I thnk Getting them Sober is such a great resource for questions like this. That book and indeed the entire series puts it all back to expectations. My expectations around an alcoholic these days are that they will drink, be obnoxious, lie and not exactly be endearing.
My expectations around the ex A were nothng like that. I kept trying to force him to change! I kept being suprized by his actions, drinking and drugging since he was an adolesecent, somehow I got it into my head he had to change for me!
I'm glad you are here. Living around an alcoholic is not something to bear alone.
