The material presented
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Hi everyone... Nice subject line eh? Ya, I'm thinking that's what I'll call my book. lol, just kidding.
I'll try not to go into too much boring detail about my job and this particular incident.... but, I'm a talker so... prepare yourselves;)
ok.. nevermind, I just typed a bunch and realized I can't go into detail without writting a novel so I'll just skip to the point.
I felt disrespected by a supplier's unprofessional and innapropriate behavior (we are their clients and my boss asked me to manage this project/relationship).
I recieved an email that was obviously not intended for me.
Anyway, I agonized over this all weekend up until today.
Today, I called the owner of this company (the person who I felt owed me an apology).
First I wrote a script, read it a hundred times, spoke it out loud, picked up the phone and hung up a dozen times, with a few panic attacks in between. Nervous beyond description, shaking and in panic mode... I told myself: Danielle, just do it!! You did nothing wrong, he was in the wrong. You'll feel better, you'll feel relieved, you teach people how to treat you, ect... I told these things to myself a hundred times.
Then, I picked up that stupid phone and called the him.
He apologized to me about 20 times, I said my piece, he understood. I told him I know shit happens, people get frustrated, blah blah but I didn't appreciate it, and here's why ect.. He told me he knew his behavior was unprofessional, it was innapropriate, he was frustrated and having a bad day and wasn't up to spead so misunderstood, but still wrong ect.. he's sorry....
It felt incredible.
yay me.
Then, I called my cell phone company and asked them to waive the last 9 months of my contract cause I wanted to upgrade to the new iphone. They said I'd have to pay out 3 months (cause their policy is only upgrades allowed with under 6 months left on the contract). I was nervous, but told them I've been a customer forever, blah blah.. this is what I want, here are the reasons I feel I should get it.... and I got it! I picked up my new iphone tonight with all remaining months of my contract waived!
Maybe this sounds silly to some, but to me, it's huge. I have always justified not asking for what I want (it's not a big deal - ya, sure, nothing was ever a big deal!), I didn't do or say things I wanted to, I didn't want to offend anyone, I avoided confrontation, I never asked for what I wanted because why!?? I dunno, maybe I never felt good enough or worthy? I dunno. fear.
Dealing with uncomfortable situations. In the past, I avoided this all the time. I justified why it wasn't a big deal (oh I'll just wait out my contract even though my phone doesn't work properly) or (our relationship with the supplier will be over soon.. just forget about it).
I've been giving this a lot of thought, and I think by always justyfying why not to do things I felt were within my right, or by not asking for things, made me feel like a victim. Actually doing and saying these things felt good.
I don't have to be best friends with the cell phone company employee and I don't have to accept unacceptable behavior from a supplier (or anyone else).
I can whine about being a victim... or I can do something about it.
Thats cracking danielle, I can sooooooooo relate, about that invisable stopper, I know I often think myself out of stuff instead of just doing it, I had an insistance yesters, I wanted to go on my motorbike to buy my husband a shirt, because he bought one last week and it was too small for him so I had it, I thought I will go on my motorbike, park at a large super market go get the shirt and then do a tad of shopping and then home, well I never park here as a rule and it has a barrier, so you take a ticket, I drove to the man in the box and asked do you have a designated area for motorbikes? he said yes up one level, I said what do I do to pay, he said pay first and you will get a refund when you go in the shop, so up I goes the motorbike parking is smack bang outside the main doors to the super market, I am not keen, I put the lock on my bike lock my helmet on the handlebars and go get the shirt, and then go in the super market for something for dinner and a refund on my parking fee, so I gets to the checkout, and it came to £7.00, and I said can you refund my parking which was £2.50, she said nope you have to spend over £10.00, I said dowah, I came on my motorbike I can only carry so much, I did ask the man in the box and he never said about spending over £10.00, she said well there are signs everywhere, so I thought well fair enough, anyhooooooooooo I was abit miffed and I thought this is really going to bug me what can I do? so i thought i will go back in spend another £3.00 pounds and I will get my parking refund, so I buy two lots of cheese bog off, buy one get one free, I have my first reciept to show I paid £7.00 pounds expaline I want to make my purchase to recover my parking cost, I look in my purse and think I will only have to pay a an extra £1.00 and I will have a result, but he asked for the whole price, I didn't have enough so had to use my card, it was all too much to take in, I thought I will check this outside, I was getting in a flap now, couldn't remember my pin code did that wrong twice lol then he had to remind me I had left my card in, got outside and people were surrounding my bike, I had all this shopping now and had to juggle it all to get it in my back pack, I had to take the coat hangers out the shirt's I bought two, throw the bags away roll the shirts up and squeeze everything in, plus I needed to keep the ticket handy to beable to get out the carpark, so that meant I could only put one glove on, all the time peeps are watching me, oh the pressure! I can't get on my bike like you would mount an horse, I stand on one leg hold it and guide it over, I am always so relieved when I touch base the otherside, so I have the ticket in my mouth and I make my way to the exit, I can't see which way the ticket goes in without my glasses on, it won't go in, arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh cars are building up behind me arghhhhhhhhh, I think oh buggar, I bet they haven't activated my card, I look and I can get around the barrier without it having to lift so I do it, I say to myself well you haven't done anything wrong , it's not like I haven't paid, I have a lovely ride home and when I sat and check my reciept after all that I never managed to get my parking refunded, lol, is there a moral to this story, well yes, if you see me out don't get behind me, no seriously, if I thought too much about this I wouldn't have done it, infact I am never doing it again I am going in the car.
Yeah, I relate to this too. I am conflict avoidant (though not as much a doormat as I used to be) and not assertive when I should be. This is good progress for you. Doing those things would be big for me too.
I totally agree with you and had the same experience ~ I felt like a victim when I did not speak up honestly for myself. When I began to change that pattern, my life changed radically.
Awesome post, keep empowering YOUrself and your program!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Yeah Danielle! I too am am just learning to be a bit assertive. I like how kitty put it ~ I felt like a victim when I did not speak up honestly for myself. I remember my exAH telling me it was a lot of work having to read my mind since I was afraid of putting myself out there totally. Now I see it and try to be honest about what I want and how I want it and see how it goes atleast I feel like I have a vertabrae these days.
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
hotrod: "Take the action, let go of the results". In my current situation, dealing with all I'm dealing with - that's the most powerful slogan to me at the moment.
I often am scared of the action because I fear the result... how will the other party think/feel as a result ect. I need to just let go of all of that.
Katy: lol, tks for sharing that story.
member922: Yes, I do sometimes feel like they poor over into my personal relationships as well, or I see the baby steps starting to take place. Although, it is still easier for me to stand up for myself with strangers or others who aren't family. With family, I more often avoid. But I ask myself how important it is, is it worth it? I know that whenever I stand up for myself with family - it WILL turn into an argument and with family it's often, maybe wrongly, usually not worth it for me. Although, the other day my sister told my mom something and I said to her: "I felt betrayed because you told mom x, that wasn't your place, and not your thing to tell". She got upset, justified her actions ect.. and instead of before when I would get really upset and engage, I just again, repeated: "I felt it was not your place, not your thing to tell". What was she to say? sure, she defended and justified again... then I just left it and said something like "ok, well you feel that way, I feel this way and I'm not going to change how I feel, instead, I just won't tell you this kind of stuff anymore". (it had nothing to do with my AH and that situation).
Flo and Kitty, yes... it's great not to always feel like a victim and all it takes and being assertive and standing up for yourself, letting go of the fear, and the results.
Mark, I used to be a HUGE doormat, in every situation, with everyone, all the time. It's so freeing to actual recognize that now, and be assertive, stand up for myself (even when it's uncomfortable), and I'm learning: hey, you know what, it's usually not so big of a deal, it's not the end of the world, and I no longer feel like a victim all the time, and it gets easier.
I too can identify I can remember when I first came into program I needed to be very careful with the slogan "How Important is IT"