The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I read the posts, see in the words, so much pain and it all seems to be the SAME pain I am so sorry that so many feel so much of the same pain. How as a mother, do I tell, no, WARN, my child about how to steer clear of this trap? For it IS a trap! They are clever, false, tricksy, have been manipulating for so long it is like second nature for them and WE are the unsuspecting flies lured into the trap by their clever tricksy ways. I read the pain it moves me to tears that I do not choose to squelch because they are good tears, cleansing tears. Feeling others pain soothes my own but Damn! I hate that this pain exists this pain takes us by surprise, slowly takes over our hearts and uses our love against us.
USES our love AGAINST us.
What is our crime? That we love too much? The thought that there is a disease that robs us of the satisfaction of loving someone; that there is a disease that makes us hesitate to give our all, as the Bible tells us we should, in loving, honoring, cherishing and obeying. Damn them for using our love against us.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Yes, lovemyheart---I know exactly how you feel. This pain is the worst! It is real, it is severe and it leaves us raw and crying.
The only thing so far that I have been able to do is to recognize that I do love them. Love is in my heart and it is never really going away. HOWEVER, I may have to love them from a distance. If so, I will have to adjust to that and lean on my HP to do so. At least I will live my life still loving them.
Dear lovemyheart--I am sending my caring for you through the airways. Right now, I am crying so hard that I can hardly type!
I'm hoping that other mothers on this board can bring you (and me) some comfort here.
I agree, the disease of alcoholism is devastating and the pain it causes to the alcoholic and the families are overwhelming. The tools I have found in al anon have taught me how to truly love without expectations, and with acceptance.
Before al anon my love was given with strings attached. I would give and give to my loved ones, did not take care of my needs ( sacrificed myself) and thought that because I did all this wonderful things I would be loved and taken care of----- I was wrong --This kind of love will not sustain me in the long run and is not the love of the Bible.
The Bible tells us to "Love our Neighbor as Ourselves" That means that I had to learn love myself first!!!
Once I began to understand and use the al anon tools of I started to take care of myself, my needs , my life without expecting others to take care of me, I developed a belief in a Higher Power . Focusing on Myself, Living One Day at a Time, Prayer and Detaching with Love, I learned how to truly love and be happy if the alcoholic is drinking or not.
The program works I urge you to join us here and at al anon face to face meetings in your community.
What I can say growing up in the disease of alcoholism with a father that was a daily drinker passed out by 6.30 each night was that there was nothing wrong with my dad. ((I am sure that there is a gasp for some of you that read that sentence)) Seriously though, my dad was a fair minded, even tempered wonderful dad for whom I always said, dad I love you most, I told you first! I still say that.
In our alanon literature I think it is the ODAAT, that says you can usually tell there is a problem of drinking in a family by looking at the unrecovered alanon. This is true for me. My mother was filled with rage, anger on a good day, scorn, shame, guilt and tremendous violence towards me and my two sisters. We all lived separate lives and tried to stay out of the way of good old mom. That was the only way we were safe. This disease turned a wonderful woman, my mom, into a horror. Through screaming, manipulating, too much love, no love at all....swinging from one extreme to another. That is what I lived a life of unstability and extremes. By the way, guess what I married... an AH who doesn't have the same pattern like dear old dad but when he drinks, one's too many and ten ain't enough. It triggers his allergy to alcohol. Father Martin, who is now deceased and a well respected friend of AA said "you recognize an AH by the one you know." Well, since my father drank differently than my husband I really didn't recognize they were the same animal. This disease really is so powerful.
So if you asked me who had the problem, it would be my mother. I would say my dad has a disease called alcoholism. My mom divorced him and took a geographical cure and married another man. She is still so angry and is so much older and worn out from being the vessel of anger. There is a price to pay for hatred and rage. She attended alanon, never got a sponsor nor worked the steps. My feeling is this the greatest harm to our family was the anger, rage, unpredictability, and violence in my home which began with mother. I have to believe she did the very best she could with what she had. The program has taught me that as a result of working the steps. I have a great loving relationship with my mom today and accept her exactly as she is. I am so grateful to alanon because before I got in the program, I hated her. Now I have found the love I wish I always had growing up. But, God has perfect timing, he is never late. I am grateful to have a relationship with her alive then try to make admends when she is dead.
My dad is a lonely but good man with a beautiful heart. He works 7 days a week on a night shift so that he has to speak to as few people as possible. He goes home plays on the net, drinks his beer eats dinner and goes to bed. I am ok with that. This is a life of his choosing. This is what the disease of alcoholism has done to my family. Loneliness seems to be a common thread.
As for me, I want for my kids more than I have ever wanted for myself. I want to have love, balance, peace and serenity in my home. That is what I've got based on my working the steps and monitoring my spiritual condition. That is why I am a big believer in the slogans "Let it Begin With Me" and "Focus on Yourself"
Our crime is that we dont focus on us, we focus on them and what they are doing or not doing. Our crime is thinking we can control anything but us & buying into manipulative tactics. I learned how to have boundaries in program, boundaries for me emotionally and boundaries for me to detach from taking responsibility for their issues, feelings, attitudes and whims. I think forgiveness is the most powerful and transformative tool there is. As I forgive ppl that hurt me in life, I get free from them, that pain and abuse. When I stood up for me, prioritized loving me and in that, honoring and resepcting HP/god for my life, I began to take actions that would allow me to feel my own resepct after the action. When I dont stand up for myself now, I do feel actually horrible and begin to punish myself with negative self talk, the pity talk. Again, forgiving and facing reality has been "the cure".
I am all I can control and change. Allow others the dignity to solve their own issues and dont take them in (to you) personally.
About a year ago, I had prayed to hp/god asking why my mom had a fire at their condo rental property. I was defending how she is so kind and friendly and she didnt deserve it. I immediately got an answer, hp/god said: Life is not personal, it is merely a consequence of the choices we make.
I think the goal is to be loving and forgiving, not judging, blaming and condemning. Seperate you and others from the disease - that helps me a lot. Everything is a choice.
-- Edited by kitty on Thursday 28th of April 2011 11:25:48 AM
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I too cry for all of our pain. I so relate to tommycats story of a rageful mother and my father was unemotionally unavailable but definitely the good parent when I was younger. Funny how unaware I was when I married my AH how I would become a bit more like my Mom than I could ever dream or have a nightmare of actually. Well I am working to break as many cycles as I can to not carry it on for my children. I pray for them Oh Yes I pray for them!
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
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