"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

How did you do it?

flopadopilus · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi youfoundme, I relate to your topic. I am realizing I have been a chamelion for so long in my life and such a people please/fixer that I have lost my own identitiy and have to get comfy in my skin. I even used to go to friends and ask for their advice on most of my decisions and I am just recently noticing that they are offereing me unsolicited advice, because I trained them that I wanted it, now I am having to set boundaries, because I feel secure in my decision making about most things these days. I am learning to take care of myself and even relax all by myself at home without my mind freaking out. I used to want to be whatever people wanted me to be, but now a days I want to think about everything for a few and take my time before I decide how to handle most things. I think it will be a long time until i am good at relationships, but I am finally finding out who I am and what i am about. I am trying new hobbies out in my spare time although nothing has grabbed me, but it keeps my mind focused and busy anyway. I hope some of my rambling here helps. You have to let time take time and it is a process to get out of what it took years to get into. Are you attending Al-anon face to face meetings? That is where I found my sponsor and new friends to relate to. I don't have this completly figured out, but in this one area I am gaining confidence in myself and no longer dread alone time without my mind swirling in the stinkin thinkin as much as I used to. However a few days ago I stopped by AH to pick up the girls and I saw a wine cooler int eh fridge and I know he is a beer and whiskey guy, so I later asked when the kids were in the car and he said it was his. I will neveer know if he told me the truth and I let it go, but I shouldn't have even asked. Oh well it's a slow process for me for sure, but I am headed upward and onward.

pineapple · ~*Service Worker*~

Well, you didn't get where you are overnight and you can't fix it that fast either. I also had a hard time taking the focus off my ah and putting it on me where it belonged. Ask yourself what you would really like to do. I started with small things- gave myself a facial, visited a friend, made what I wanted for dinner, went to the nursery to buy some plants I wanted for my garden. Think of YOU, what YOU want, what is good for YOU. It takes time but like most things it gets easier with practice.

drummerchick423 · Senior Member

I'm going through the same thing :(

youfoundme wrote:

How did those of you who have been where I am, let go, and concentrate on only yourself? I realize there is no MAGIC answer or cure here. I realize its work. I just have no idea, in any ounce of my being how I could ever truly let go and only concentrate on me. I don't know how... I feel so sad about this, because I want to be, and imagine myself being a strong and independent woman, and a woman who is caring but not overly so. I am feeling lost and I am trying so hard to be here in this moment, when my mind wanders off to wondering about what HE might be up to.... And the controlling and craziness of me kicks in when I get like this... UGh. I really just want to keep my mind on me, but I don't know how. I have spent my life thinking only of others and I need help ....thanks

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

It takes awhile, but Step One really is step one for a reason.... Many of us stay stuck on that particular step for months or even years, and I suppose that some NEVER really fully get or accept it...

For me, I remember some aha moments.... one was when my wise old sponsor told me to think of the analogy of the weather - citing that I had "about the same amount of control of my AW, that I had over the weather".... Now, I (obviously) can't change the weather, but I CAN take an umbrella, or wear a winter coat, or sunscreen, etc. - whatever the circumstances call for....

The second one was in a counselor's office.... things were really rough at home, my AW was drunk daily and had just come back to the family home - things seemed very hopeless.... I was in my counselor's office, bawling my eyes out uncontrollably, and he calmly asked me: "Tom, do you STILL think you can control your wife's drinking", to which, I (of course) sobbed "yes", and he replied, without batting an eye "and how's that working out for you?"

I think I laughed for ten minutes straight - the absurdity of the idea was overwhelming - of COURSE I had no control over her, but it took me soooooo many of those times/incidents/oldtimers to help remind me of that....

In time, I was able to look at Step One as somewhat freeing me of a burden I was carrying - If I am NOT responsible than I am also not to blame..... that helped me see this step as uplifting, as opposed to restricting...

Hope that helps

Tom

Freya · Veteran Member

Hi Youfoundme, I can so relate to your difficulties. I am struggling with the very same thing. For me the answer has been going to meetings, talking to people there, reading and really working the programme as much as I can so that at least when I am doing that, I am not focussed on him. Going to meetings has been the most powerful tool for me. As soon as I walk through the door and am greeted by hugs and smiling faces, I feel released from my obsession for at least the 90 minutes i am there. And I always hear something that I can take away with me that helps me take another step. I've also started trying things out, one small thing at a time to do just for me. I dyed my hair bright red just to have a change, and then took an art class just because it's something I'd been too scared to do for years. When I can't do much of anything, when I'm in the pain and heart ache, then I come here and read other people's words and know I'm not alone. I posted today about very similar feelings I was having and it made all the difference to me to know that I had simply been heard, that people somewhere cared that I was hurting, and wanted to offer support and kindness. So I want you to know, I hear you and I care.

Freya x

Red Hawk · Veteran Member

Hi, youfoundme, just wanted to add my two-cents worth. One of the things that's helped me over the years is to force myself to look around and see what's there. I get so caught up in what's going inside me that I miss what's going on "out there." It helps remind me that there's a whole great big wide world out there, and not all of it is ugly and painful (like Skull Theater, where I so often live and which is really a creepy place!). It also helps me to have what I call a Blessing Book. It's just a little notebook in which I write down three good things that happened that day - things that have absolutely nothing to do with the alcoholic. They can be very simple, like "I saw a blue jay today," "Someone at work complimented me on my haircut," or "My kid said or did this silly thing that made me laugh." On days that are really bad, it helps to go back and read my Blessing Book and remind myself that good things still happen.

Another really helpful tool for me has been just simply to remind myself (with post-it notes all over the house, if necessary) that this is a journey. It happens one step at a time, one breath at a time, one heartbeat at a time. Some days, I might be able to take three steps, or seven, or even ten. But if one step is all I can manage today, THAT'S OKAY! I'm still one step farther away from where I started and one step closer to where I want to be.

Blessings on your journey to yourself,

Red Hawk

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

One minute at a time.

Maresie.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I read lots of literature. Also I was fortunate as my AH talked to me about his feeling and addiction a lot.

When I came to the realization it was his problem not mine, it was none of my business, I let go.

Just did not matter what he did anymore as I realized it was not personal against me.It wasn't cuz he didn't love me, I had nothing to do with his disease. The best thing I could do was to learn the best skills I could to be able to live with him.

I would learn skills then mess up when it was time to use them, BUT I knew what I had done, next time I did better, and afterawhile it came natural to mind my own business., That he had a right to make his own decisions. I don't want people in my stuff either.

Its a choice we make when we wake up in the morn. Today I choose to mind my own business,I am going to get a hair cut, or get your nails done, or go for a walk just for you,. Does not have to be a huge thing.,Give yourself a couple hours to read a good book., Make those choices and or goals when you wake up,

Can even be to stop the negative talk in your head. You can still be a giving person~Just make sure it is something they cannot do for themselves.

I tell ya changing the negative talk in your pretty head is a huge help. I never put myself down, I treat myself tenderly, if I goof I goof.no big deal.,

huggen ya,debilyn

danielle0516 · Senior Member

Hi youfoundme,

I think I have spoken the same words you have a hundred time. Your post just spoke to me. "Getting it" (knowing you can't control the drinking and focusing on your needs) doesn't happen over night...but if you stick to recovery, you'll get there. I've recently gotten there... but I do have my moments, only now, I recognize these moments (as opposed to justifying them), and know when I'm slipping/relapsing, then I'll come here and tell on myself, so to speak;)

When I first came to alanon, and for a long while, I struggled with "fitting in" (that's probably not the best way to phrase it but I can't think of a better way at the moment). I struggled because, I suppose, I had these preconceived notions of the kinds of people addicts were, of the backgrounds us codependents had.

In retrospect, I think I just so badly did NOT want to be here, I did not want to need this, I did not want this to be my life... so I came up with a hundred reasons and justifications why it couldn't possibly be....

I didn't grow up in an alcoholic home, I had a great childhood, and my husband, when sober, is one of the nicest most caring and compassionate person I know. Even when drunk and totally f'ed out of his mind, he never hit me, or insulted me, or even raise his voice. BUT, this didn't mean he didn't drive me nuts, doesn't mean I wasn't holding on to the edge of the clif with my last finger..and I was, for a long time.

I went through a period where I KNEW I couldn't control his drinking... I mean, I knew it, I told it to myself everyday, I believed it... but I still kinda tried, not sure why.. probably fear, which I think is responsible for most of my actions.

Try and do some nice things for yourself... baby steps. It will start to eventually feel more comfortable, normal... you're worth it!!

I didn't think the time would ever come where I would stop incessantly worrying about my husband and take charge of my life, stand up for myself, ect.. But... it has. You can get there too.

I eventually started to get that I have to use my head more and quite letting my emotions guide every decision I make. Oohh that's uncomfortable, but... it gets easier. I also have less regrets.

The little baby steps you can take to empower yourself... they all add up. I know it sounds silly, but even something like calling the cable company to say they charged for a movie I never rented helped me to feel like I can do this, I can ask for what I want and stand up for myself and not worry about hurting the poor phone reps feelings. Calling the credit card company and asking for a lower interest rate, there's another example.

Focusing on yourself takes practice. Just like you can't learn to play a new instrument over night... you can't learn to focus on yourself over night either. Be proud of the little steps and accomplishments every day, take note of them.

Take care of yourself
Danielle

-- Edited by danielle0516 on Wednesday 27th of April 2011 11:56:24 PM

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

I do "it" by staying in the center of my program. I go to meetings, work with a sponsor, do my steps on my knees, and have service positions in my home group.

It is so EASY to focus on other peoples stuff. It is easy to succumb to the disease of business. However, it can be uncomfortable to be still and look at ones feelings, choices, and actions and to be o.k. with that. All of the above and the tools of the program have taught me feelings are not facts. I can feel them and let them go. It is a full time job trying to figure out what is going on with me. Once I got there, I have not time to worry about other peoples stuff, where they are, what they are doing. Working the program has allowed me to find a peace inside that is indescribable despite the circumstances in my life. That is why I keep going back to the meetings.

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Minding my own business is central to my recovery.

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

For me, doing the actions suggested in the literature and by my group members - even though I did not feel like doing the actions/believe that the actions would do any good/have any focus - helped.

I can't think my way into acting. I have to act my way into thinking. Just beginning to do the actions will begin to change your thinking.

Keep coming back,

Summer

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"