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I went to our class with my AH on the effects of divorce on children. And it turned into a counseling session. The counselor asked us how we managed out time with the kids and if we kept them out of our fighting and how we share them. After we answered these questions the counselor asked us why we were getting a divorce? She even went on to say we seemed to get along great and be friends and were handling things with the kids very well. Which we are, but I didn't want to bring up the alcohol, but wanted to be honest. I told her I had bottomed out and needed counseling which led me to Al-anon which has been great for me to see how I got to where I had gotten. She right away addressed AH about his drinking and he went into how it runs in his family. I cried a few times and had to leave at one time. I had told her we had seperated 7 major times in the last 15 years and we just can't keep trying because we regress everytime on top of our 13 year old is happier with us apart. I could tell the counselor just kept looking at AH wanting him to say something, but time quickly runs out.
After that session I had another with my regular therapist and she asked me if I wanted to postpone the divorce, because of how I felt during the earlier session. I said no and finally was so aware of how much I had reattached and was trying to control him again. Old habits die hard in me I guess. Have I no self worth what's so ever? He even said something in the session about we would seperate and he would stop drinking, but everytime we got back together he went back to it. I take that so personally and to hear him finally say it was so hard, but I know it is not my fault and I guess I really have to realize that more thoroughly. Since childhood I was mistreated and I choose no more of it.
So here goes pulling out my toolbox again and my hard hat and scraping myself back up off the dirt and giving myself a good dusting off. I will Let go and Let God! I will own my own power and make my own decisions and take care of myself and let him take care of himself. I see how sick I am, but atleast my awareness kicked in. I am a survivor and a fighter and I am worth it!!!!
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
I don't mean to make light of your difficult situation, but your heading made me laugh so hard! That's so true of me as well!
But oh, aren't those alcoholics manipulators? To say that every time you haven't been around to check, he's stopped drinking! But when you're around again to see, he drinks! I think there ought to be a prize for most manipulative thing said by an alcoholic, because they come up with such clever ones. And I'm so used to walking into the trap.
They're also so good at pulling the wool over the eyes of counselors. My exAH and I had five or six counselors over the years, all of them sincere people, none of them adept at dealing with alcoholics (though they thought they were). My AH would be saying things like that -- "I only drink when she pressures me" -- "If it weren't for her paranoia I wouldn't even feel the need to drink" -- "I can take it or leave it, but I worry about her problem, she imagines I'm drunk" -- and he would look so earnest and sad, and the counselor would turn their attention to me. "Is it true you pressure him about drinking?" And suddenly it would be all my problem and none of his. It's true I had problems -- more than I knew -- but those wouldn't be the ones we were talking about. For all their good intentions, I think those counselors slowed down my recovery.
It sounds as if you have a lot of excellent awareness, Flopadopilus. Keep on taking great care of yourself!
i relate to a lot of postings today! i went through couple counselling few months ago and I heard my marriage is a fixer. i was shocked (think swear words) but really i should not have been. the AH can be a charming man and very funny. Talking about how we met and funny stories of the wedding (which are not funny if you look carefully) was not an unpleasant experience. In my mind, a marriage has good parts (there is alwasy some good times at the beginniing)and not so good parts, (the bottle is in the way). I mentioned to my Ah i was attending al-anon and how much relief and support i get and he asked why i was going. so i told him i felt he was drinking too much and felt his family was an alcoholic one. he took this in. next day he went dry and started bargaining and blaming me. so i heard i am dilusional, i am sick then he went into depression, was angry, went into depression and the merry go round goes on. I felt lost at times, very sad and guilty sometimes. i kept going to al-anon to find strength to stand up my truth and not listen to the alcoholic "mermaid" songs..... and yes i wished he was drinking again. I have read this a lot in this board. i am going on with the divorce, life has become unmanageable, i am powerless over alcohol and i need to look after myself. Everybody is entitled to have an opinion and give advice but this program is not about this. its about working the steps and looking inward to get better not trying to please the ah. its a daily struggle but it works.
I have a teenager too, its very difficult to stay strong for her and face reality and tell her in few months her parents are separating. i will be the bad guy, definitely, the manipulation and control will be in full action but i have hope, take one day at a time because al-anon will help and i need to let go of all the resentment. Life is good!
I look at divorce this way: As far as I am concerned, if he miraculously reached sobriety through working the steps with AA and wanted to try wooing me back, I would let him try. But - our divorce is going to happen, part of me thinks it has to happen for him to understand that nothing is going to return me to life the way it was. There's nothing in the law about not being able to marry someone again so, should the improbable happen and he grows up......
My H is very good at playing the hurt victim - according to him, I am the one with anger management problems, I'm the abuser, he is the abused - shrugs, let him say what he wants, I know what I know and am ok with being the bad guy as long as I don't get yelled at anymore.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Even though he is an alcoholic...it is possible (probable in fact) that you are both good people and are just not good for each other. The separation is still new. You wishing he would stop drinking to save the marriage is a legitimate wish...but you know now that that is all it is....a wish. The statement about his drinking when you get back together does not have to be so much about you either. I used to drink to keep my relationship going because I couldn't handle the demands and responsibilities involved in a mature relationship...so I drank. It was not about the other person, it was about me. My drinking was always about me me me me. After you gain some more time and perspective from the relationship, I think you will realize on more of a gut level how his alcoholism was not about you and there was nothing you could have done different. It does not have to lower your self esteem. Actually, you are making some pretty brave and empowering decisions the way I see it.
"I said no and finally was so aware of how much I had reattached and was trying to control him again."-flopadopilus
The immediate thing I hear loud and clear here, is that you are able to put the needs of your child first. Kudos on that! I do think moms use their kids as an excuse to not face themselves, their issues and needs and it seems you are becomming aware of what you now need to be healthy. This is very important and excellent for you and your life and to role model that self-love (self nurturing) for your teenaged child. Great work.
Now, taking what the AH says personally, that he slips when he moves back home- this is NOT personal. Take you out of your AH's issue with alcohol, it literally has nothing to do with you and it is not about you. Love cannot control and change another person, if we have that as an agenda, we are not really loving them, we are fearing not having our needs met and we are running from ourselves when we jump into another person's head and try to control them. When we do that, we are totally out of control ourselves and in our own lives. Practise not judging you anymore. As you forgive yourself for trying to mother, control and change an adult and while you are abandonning yourself. Look at your issues of control, not what he is or is not able to do. You know you dont pour the alcohol down his face, so detach from the idea that it is your fault, accept that it is not in your control, bc it isnt. It isnt about you, it is about the AH not loving himself enough to put himself first and not the disease.
All we can do, is to learn about our own issues, so that we dont put them onto others. Focus on you and what you can change and control. Face and accept yourself with compassion and love and what you dont like, you can then change in you. Once I began to stop judging, so I could just try and learn again- letting go of my expectations, so that I can adopt/try something brand new, so I could get a different result.
Make it about you, surrounding yourself with people that are positive, healthy and constructively changing what no longer supports them in their lives. It did not support me to put others first, no I was on the brink of suicide most of my life and sacrificng me for them, is not showing hp/god that we love and honor and cherish ourselves. Putting me first was the most terrifying thing I had ever done, I was 39 before I got willing to surrender the people, places and things that I used to keep me down with and to be willing to let all of the past go, so I could think kindly and gently about myself. It was the start of discovering self love. Love is accpeting, allowing, kind, forgiving, supportive -- it is not critical, nit picky, demanding, scolding, ultimatum making, judging (proclaiming thngs as "good" or "bad") & condemning actions. Learning what is healthy and supportive for you, is learning to love yourself. Dont pity you or him, keep loving and forgiving yourself, allowing and accepting.
In program, I learned to watch behavior and to let go of the hopes, dead dreams, fantasies and expectations I had over others. They are human and make mistakes just like I do. Mistakes and slips are a way for us to re-evalute and learn something, it can strengthen our resolve and programs. Make it about you changing for you and not about reacting or taking in the overly-responsible, blaming the self for the whole world martyr trip - remember martyrs only end up dead! Live your best life for you and to role model health to your teenager. Prioritize you and your recovery and you will begin to see the whole world will look differently. When you blame yourself, forgive you for it and then do better, change what you can. You are worth it and so much more! Dont worry, take positve actions and keep on your path. Your AH will either get serenity working the program one day or he wont, that is not your choice. Respectfully detach from his life choices and make better ones for you. As you take actions that allow you to feel self resepct, your self esteem will grow and blossom. kcb
-- Edited by kitty on Thursday 28th of April 2011 11:07:16 AM
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
