I've gone over to the dark side... - Al-Anon Family Group

Freya · Veteran Member

I've gone over to the dark side...

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((freya)))))...you're living the definintion of withdrawal...Sucks. The dependent person wants to use...sucks big time!! This is apart of recovery and I can only speak for myself; I went thru it and went thru it horrified at what I was told regarding how long it would take in its natural course of things. If you don't yet have a sponsor I hope you will get one soon...a fine old, serene and well balanced old-timer who has walked this program of recovery as if crossing their living room.

I did a knee jerk reaction on the title of your post because it reminded me of myself attempting to get my needs met at any cost and surrendering to lower powers if that is what it would take. Glad you haven't resorted to that and then you're hurting and obsessing and compulsed toward getting the "high" back.

Stay with what you're already doing and go get your sponsor...time to do an inventory. Focus, Focus, Focus toward Freya. Be kind to yourself...schedule the crying time and when it is done go do something that doesn't bring you around your own drug of choice...him. Offer him dignity and respect and go rebuild your own.

Keep coming back ...In support. (((((hugs))))) smile

pineapple · ~*Service Worker*~

¨I'm just losing it here on my own. In the past I'd have gone round there and made a total idiot of myself. I've done the "going round there" bit but have managed to hold myself back from the "making myself look an idiot by losing it in front of him" bit

(((Freya))), you don't have to lose it on your own, that's what what we're here for. And as you said, at least you didn't lose it in front of him. I think I know how badly you are feeling right now. I've gone through the same thing (in a former relationship, not with current ah) and I always beat myself up for it afterward. Please don't do that to yourself. This is a difficult situation for you but it WILL get better in time. Take heart that he is in recovery and use this time to focus on yourself. Maybe do things you've wanted to do but couldn't before. We alanoners are so used to taking care of/ worrying/ projecting about others it's hard to take care of ourselves. I know when I first came here the idea of taking care of myself first seemed so foreign to me. But like many things it gets easier with practice. So start practicing! And think progress not perfection. It takes time but you're going to be OK. Keep coming back.

drummerchick423 · Senior Member

hi Freya,

I can relate. I'm going through a hard time as well. It seems like it takes forever to heal from these relationships. Then again, it's only been a little over a month and a half since I gave my exabf the ultimatum.

Today I've just been crying like a baby. tomorrow I am seeing my therapist. The only thing I can tell you, is just take life minute by minute. Try to go easy on yourself. I have my exabf blocked on my phone and all emails, so I can't write him. You can't believe what a merry go round my head is right now. "I want him" "No you don't-he treated you like cr*p, he's an alcoholic, he's in denial, he's with his loser pot-smoking ex"--etc. back and forth.

Hang in there.

Jennifer · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Freya)))

I think I heard a little bit of gratitude and pride when you spoke of not losing it in front of your A. When I was first learning how to be the person I want to be in my actions rather than just reacting, it was little bits of progress like those that kept me going. Change doesn't happen all at once, sometimes it is tiny little painful steps.

Jerry's description of withdrawl rings true for me. It hurts. I'm sorry you are feeling that pain right now. You are not alone, my worst withdrawl from my desire to know and monitor my exAH was spent watching the movie The Incedibles back to back over a holiday weekend. Considering I am well past childhood and I watched the thing over 18 times ... my neighbors wondered too

Let all that pain out, do some small nice thing for yourself and keep the focus on you, read literature, reach out. Prayers and wishes.

Jen

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

((Freya)) I know that dark side very well. But you will come out of it, sweetie.... Exactly how you got into it.... one day at a time.

I had to fill my time with other things. I had to start practicing something different to create a new life and move on. There was grief to process though, so, I had to accept that some days were just going to be effing hard.

I remember holding my chest because it felt like my heart was spilling out of me. So... I learned to hold my chest (heart chakra), I would just place my hands across my sternum. Since there is pure, loving, universal energy naturally coming from our hands, I held my hands over my heart.... to send love there. I did it until I fell asleep.

It also helped to journal. The first few days, I just wrote, "I think I am going to die." Gradually, after journaling day after day, I could see myself get stronger and then, I just stopped, I didn't need to write anymore.

Some days, I relapsed. That's common addiction behavior. Bottom line is, I couldn't stop wanting to take "a sip" of him.... until I was ready. I had to bottom out, admit my effing powerlessness... and stay there. Sometimes, I would tell myself, "I'll do it differently this time. " Of course, that never worked. Despite all the pain and humiliation, I kept wanting to go back to him. I was powerless. The relationship was built on addiction and nothing good could come of it. I had to let go. "Let go or be dragged" as they say. Well, I was dragged for quite a while. I couldn't stop.

Praise to a merciful Higher power who never hated me like I hated myself for my humiliating weakness. My sponsor would tell me, the relapse was not a "mistake" but rather a lesson... every time I did it, it hurt worse and worse... until I had no choice, I eventually got it. Then, I had to practice TRUST in Higher power. Today, I feel immense gratitude for the whole experience. There is nothing better than being in a tender, loving friendship with the One who owns the whole universe.

You are okay, Freya. It's going to be okay. Better than okay, you'll see.

-- Edited by glad lee on Tuesday 26th of April 2011 11:27:05 PM

Freya · Veteran Member

Thank you so mcuh for your kindness and support. I woke up this morning and logged on to find your responses and I felt less alone, and more connected to people who understand. That really means alot to me.

I feel like I've been brought to my knees, after fighting for a long time not to be. I've always thought it was other people who were the problem. I'm working my 8th step at the moment with my sponsor, and can see really clearly for the first time how hurtful I have been to other people, and how my behaviour has been dysfunctional for a lot longer than I've been with my partner. It's difficult to look at the reality of my life and see the choices I've made, and how I've really hurt people, and then get on with my day.

I always thought my partner was the "problem" and that I was the "saint" (I can't look at myself after writing that now...) Now I can see really clearly that I am going through withdrawal of him, and that all the times in our relationship that I told myself and him that I was acting out of love, I wasn't, I was making sure that I got my needs met regardless of what his were, and I can't believe how low I was willing to go to get my "fix" of him.

I've been watching myself over the past three or so weeks go through this withdrawal, and have been shocked to feel how powerful the compulsion is to get my "fix" of him, and how powerless I am over it. I never really understood what was going on for people battling addictions until the past three weeks when I came face to face with my own.

Jerry, thank you. I have a sponsor who's been in al-anon for about 20 years. She's very calm and loving and is helping me so much. Your phrase "drug of choice... him" really resonated with me. It also really resonated with me when you said "offer him dignity and respect and go rebuild your own." Actually I found myself crying as I feel like I lost my dignity and respect a long time ago.

Pineapple, I really do find it hard to focus on myself, it's like learning to knit and right now I keep dropping all the stitches and my scarf is full of holes, do you know what I mean? Thank you for your support, it means a lot.

Thanks drummerchick423, yep, my head is spinning and I'm going back and to in my thoughts. Driving myself nuts actually, I had no idea I was my biggest problem. Thanks for your support. I'm sorry to hear you're going through something similar and hope things ease up for you too very soon. :)

Glad lee, thank you for your kindess and support. I feel like since I went into recovery, I've been finding out all kinds of stuff about myself that just hurts, and have yet to get to the part where I start to feel better! I had no idea recovery was so hard, and that to make new choices every minute of every day could be so daunting. My HP has been guiding me all the way and is with me throughout, but I find it so hard not to cut myself off from His support, and when my ego gets hold of my thoughts it all "goes to hell in a hand cart". I've been so afraid of being on my own as I knew I would come face-to-face with me. I'm not doing too well with that, and you're right, it is effing hard..!

I'm so grateful for MIP, and for the friendship and support I'm finding here. Thank you.

Freya

Katy · ~*Service Worker*~

Freya, I have felt like you are feeling too many times, I would be like, I am best on my own,your making me feel like this, then I would just panick and do the exact opposite of what I had just thought and felt, when I had him back my insides didn't feel right, something was telling me I knew I had a part in it too, just didn't know what to do to change things.

I found your post very helpful, and very clear to understand, I think you are are doing great, fabulous awarness and acceptence.

katy

x

Otie · Senior Member

Dear, Dear Freya. There is a reason so many of us relate to what you are feeling right now. Here is the reason: As human, feeling creatures, whenever we experience the loss of a love relationship that we have percieved as valuable (and has met our needs, WHATEVER they were at the time), we feel pain. The pain shakes us off our bearings and cuts us down to our core. It strips away our outer facades and leaves us raw and exposed. We are as if the little child again reeling in our fear of being left abandoned. THIS IS NORMAL HUMAN EMOTION. It is going to happen. We can't ignore it or wish it away. In the beginning, the best and only thing we can do is to acnowledge it.

To acknowledge and feel this pain is honest. The should be no humilitation or shame, because it is who we are.

It DOES NOT matter if the relationship was good for us or bad for us---the initial pain for us is the same. The relationship met important core needs--it doesn't matter that these needs were neurotic or "normal".

Freya, I recognize what you are going through is an expected grief reaction. I've been there. Just recently my husband died unexpectedly (he was not addicted--we were so happy--he was so sweet to me). The pain was/is almost unbearable, but I am beginning to heal bit by bit. Also, I have been rejected in my life by AS***Les--and, guess what--the pain, also, felt unbearable at the time. I got over it, and got perspective, but it wasn"t overnight.

Others on this board are giving you good advice about how to move forward and past this time. I think they are right. Hang on to them.

As for me, I am trying to open my arms to you and give you the comfort you need so badly in this moment. I remember what it was like in your shoes.

Love, Otie.

This

-- Edited by Otie on Wednesday 27th of April 2011 07:40:13 AM

mslouise · Senior Member

Hi Freya...all I can say is your doing much better than I did at the time!!! I've been over to the dark side a many of times when the exabf would leave and I DID lose it in front of him - many of times!!!...and I did go over unannouced...more than twice!!! I think what your doing is beating yourself up - which is common to us in these circumstances, I believe. Your going through a hard time...cry if you want too!!!....and so what if you lose it once in a while - it's hard!!!...better to let it out....it's all a growing process....don't know how long you were in this relationship, but someone told me if your in it for years, do you expect to be healed and happy in a month???? We put so many expectations on ourselves..to be perfect, or happy, or the way someone thinks we are supposed to be at the time...or to just be like them and just "forget about it" and don't deal with it like it was nothing. No-one ever is perfect or even close...and it may seem like they(the ex's, the a's) are doing just fine, cause they are not returning calls, etc....but know they are not.....just feel what you need to at the moment...do something for yourself...read and say your prayers. Hang in there...like I said, your doing great...and don't worry about the neighbors...just wave : )

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Freya))) - just the fact that you've come here and you're going to meetings shows your progress in your own recovery.

The anxiety and obsession are part of our illness, as family members of alcoholics. I totally relate to your post. I've done all that. I would tell myself that I was just texting "to say hi," but if I got real honest about motive, I knew in my heart that I was texting to get a response...because if I didn't get a response, I'd be in full-on panic mode. My sponsor asked me what good any of that was going to do ... I had no answer. Logically I knew what she said to be true. But when it came right down to it, acting like I believed it to be true was HARD. HARD, HARD, HARD. Nobody does it perfectly. Nobody thinks it's easy. We've all been right where you are.

The more you are able to detach and nip the unhealthy behaviors in the bud, the easier it will become with time. Just being aware of your behavior is big progress. Keep at it - it will get easier.

Summer

Freya · Veteran Member

White Rabbit, I even manage to hide my motives from myself! I went to a meeting today and was met with warmth, friendship and hugs. I shared my feelings and was met with more of the same at the end of the meeting. I'm beginning to understand that the love I'm not getting from my partner is available to me in the fellowship and it's making a big difference to my days. I'm hoping that pretty soon I'll be able to start giving that kind of love to myself. I'm trying but I'm finding it hard. Thank you for your support, it means alot. :)

Mslouise, thank you for saying that you thing I'm doing well. I've spent a long time numb, and am now feeling everything in the extreme, so it's hard for me to keep perspective and not act in the extreme! It meant a lot to know that you thought I was doing well. :)

Otie, your reply touched me really deeply, especially the part where you were offering me open arms and comfort. My aunt used to offer me open arms and love me like that but she died ten years ago and I miss her every day. Thank you for the love you gave me today. It made a real difference to my day. :)

Thanks for your support and encouragement Katy. It's hard to see the wood for the trees when I'm in the middle of grief and panic. It really makes a difference to know I'm not alone.

sunny123 · Veteran Member

Freya, I know the fear and panic. I remember asking, "When will this pass?" No one could tell me when. My ex-AH asked for a divorce in 2006. We had been together since 1993. I was graduating, w/out a job and with a lease expiring in 2 months. I thought I would never survive but I did and you will too. What at first seemed like a tragedy was actually a blessing. My life is much calmer and more peaceful now. He is still drinking and still in denial about his problem. Luckily, I escaped a life of problems with him. I agree that a lot of the pain is withdrawal. It will lessen in time but while you are waiting try to stay busy. Some things that helped me was coming on here and posting, friends, family, going to counseling, learning something new, reading, taking a class, taking walks, painting my apartment, talking, crying...Just cry it out and let it go through you. I describe the pain like a wave. You feel it sweep over you but eventually those waves get less and less. Another thing that helped was cutting off all contact with my ex. I actually got a new number, email, and didn't tell him where I lived. For me, this helped me feel more in control and that I was calling the shots. I stopped feeling like the victim and that gave me strength. I don't deny that his behavior caused me great pain but I realized my role and participation. You are doing great! Keep going. We are all rooting for you. The light side is waiting for you if you want it.

linbaba · Veteran Member

I was reading a book about how the brain works and learned that Love, grief, and smells actually are all stored in the same place, smells being scientifically proven to bring back memories more vividly then almost anything else, I think it's the lingam, maybe the cingulate, hold on, I'll go check, be right back....

Back, OK, it's the deep limbic system, the cingulate causes obsessive and recurring thoughts, for me, when I trigger the one, I trigger the other, OK, so anyway....when we sleep with someone, ie bond with them we store those emotions in our deep limbic system, that's why we can't sleep with someone for a long period of time without growing attached to them, and also why women get more attached more quickly then men, their limbic system is larger and more developed in most cases, anyhow, this is also where we store grief and pain, so when I "trigger" my abandonment during a break-up, I am re-living every break up I have ever experienced, and every abandonment I have ever experienced, this is due in large part to having made this person I am with fill that void and become an over-lay on that "gap" we call "the significant other", I am dating or married to an imaginary person, the person I WANT to be with, the person I THINK I should be with, not who the person actually is, so when I break up with this person I am losing all those fantasies, I am not breaking up with the person I am actually dating, but losing all those fantasies in my head, all those "if only this then that's" all those imaginary hopes and dreams

I remember once the first time I had feelings of "love" in sobriety realizing my feelings were all mine, they had NOTHING to do with this person I was "in love" with, the feelings came from inside me and I assigned them to her...it was very strange...like the love was real, but I realized I was assigning the feelings to someone I didn't really love if that makes sense, I mean I did love her but all of the emotions I was having were my own...so hard to explain

Anyhow, when I was in my 20's I met and fell in love with "the girl of my dreams", I knew it was her because everyone told me it was her...and I loved her, during the next 10 years in order to make it work with her I got sober, went to therapy, quit smoking, went to college, I went through an -incredibly- painful growing up process in order to make this thing work....and at the end of the day she left me for a married man...and I fell apart, I remember calling in to work just crying and sobbing and saying I wouldn't be able to make it that night and all I could say through my sobs was "it's not OK, it's not OK" and I fell apart, I lost 50 lbs in 30 days, I weighed 130 lbs, I looked like I was from Auschwitz, and this thing destroyed me for the next five years, now this wasn't so much from losing -her- per se, it was from me losing myself, I had put everything I had, everything I was into -making this work-, the quitting smoking, drinking, everything, I had put every ounce of who I was into having this thing work, every fiber of my being AS a human being, so in addition to the loss of the relationship, I felt like I was a failure as a man, that and I was young, and life and love are just a little more dramatic when we are young

Anyway, the point is, when I went through a break-up subsequently it triggered ALL of that, I wasn't just breaking up with THAT girlfriend, I was re-living my earlier break-ups including my abandonment stuff as a child...

just like my love was my own, so was my pain and grief, in many ways it had nothing to do with the person I was feeling the emotion towards, it was regurgitated and deep seated abandonment issues from my past and childhood, but in order to learn that, I had to learn the other end of it, that I had made this other person a three dimensional image in my head that met my needs, and fit my profile of love, and when reality differed from my image is when I would get upset...the truth was I was in love with a fantasy of my own making, I was in a fantasy world of my own making and I created my own emotions around this, so when I was going through the break up, the same was true, I was creating all of my own emotions based on past hurts, and unless and until I addressed those past hurts and pains I was going to continue to trigger them

In the Book of Job when Job is sitting on the pile of ash, he says "Lo, that which I feared has come to pass"

that to me is the single most telling sentence in the book of Job...

we CREATE our own reality and we become that which we fear, how many times have we seen people grow up to become the very parents they hated, how many times have we picked emotionally unavailable people because we ourselves were emotionally unavailable, how many times do we unconsciously re-create pain and fear and recurring troubles because that is what we are familiar with, how many times have we driven someone away and then staggered around with a knife in our back that we put there ourselves...

which, by the way, is exactly what my father said to me when I went to see him, broken beyond repair from a break up...he said "Son, you know you are my only son, and I love you beyond measure, but I have to tell you I derive some amusement from seeing you stagger around with this great huge knife in your back that you put there yourself, I KNOW it hurts, I KNOW you are in incredible pain, but the sooner you realize you put that knife there, the sooner you can pull it out"

So, as the years went on and I continued to work the steps I began to see the patterns and how they would repeat themselves, and it was like the other person was almost interchangable in some ways, I had a set idea about "reality" and I would get them to play out that role, whether it be "the lover" or "the villain" or "the abandoner" or someone who I just couldn't live up to their expectations...I was playing out the same roles over and over...

The book that helped me see the clinical reasons and offered solution was Change your Brain, change your life, it showed me that not everything was "in my head" or just a story I was telling myself that caused me to have a certain emotion, but an actual physiological response to a certain set of stimuli, when I addressed those I was in a lot better position to then address my "stories", the ones that caused me recurring pain...so for me I started breaking it down, I did the 4th step in the way suggested by AA by listing ALL of my relationships in a clolumn, seeing the patterns there with the aid of a sponsor, then redoing it again and again, and then I did the work out of the "please change the title of this book because it's actually really good brain book" to isolate what parts of my brain were causing me this trouble and it kind of breaks all this down into bite sized pieces, now I won't say I have all the answers now, or even any answers, except for I am learning what reality is and isn't, and 99% of what happens in this world isn't "reality" per se, but my reaction to it and my perception of it, and if that's the case, if I actually do "create my own reality" which I do, I have the opportunity to create a new and different one

Strangely enough another bit of information I found incredibly helpful was a new age-y film called "what the bleep do we know" that quite frankly is about 20% BS as far as I am concerned, it takes a lot of facts and then extrapolates some pretty far fetched ideas, but the way it explains those facts, like how we literally create our own reality and get addicted to drama made it clear for me, they dumbed it down and even made little cartoons...and that worked for me, I was like "OH!!, no ****!!!" and realized those things were true for me as well, that I got addicted to being hurt, I got addicted to not having my needs met, I got addicted to abandonment so I just kept recreating them in my life

Now the funny thing about this post is the title, "I've gone over to the dark side" which of course makes me think of Darth Vader/Anakin Skywalker, who went over to the dark side....
Why, do you remember?
in order to not lose the woman he loved, and he ended up losing her, himself, his friends, his soul, and ultimately his life
all on a fear based decision because he didn't want to lose his girl
there's a lesson there somewhere....

anyhow, I don't have to live like that any more...(((((hugs))))

-- Edited by linbaba on Thursday 28th of April 2011 10:43:48 AM

Freya · Veteran Member

Sunny123 and Linbaba, thank you.

Freya

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