The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My A is working 4-10's this week, nights even. I was so excited about relaxing evenings (inbetween sleeping and his regular job he is doing a side job with a friend re-roofing a house) I got busy Monday night painting my toe nails and being the Queen of the Remote. Tuesday afternoon he calls and is kind of whinning about how I didn't even leave him a message, I said sorry (and was slightly irratated that he hadn't called me) then as I was telling him something about one of the kids, he says....."I gotta go get burgers at the bar...I'm not drinking before work the burgers are cheap tonight because it's barstool bingo night" I was more irratated because I was mid-sentence and it was one of those friends, bar, food, all more improtant then what I have to share...oh well. Let it Go...This morning on his way home and my way to work he called, "our song" is on the radio, I thought ohhhhhh how sweet...then this afternoon he calls around 5:30, I was busy with clients, called him back...now he's not answering his phone...I leave a message...called around 6....rings and rings...okay went to the grocery store, called around 6:30 nothing...then I finally get him around 7:15 and he is just livid.....how dare I be frustrated that he didn't have his phone attached at his hip....yelling at me about being a b***h....how dare I.....I am so confused....I didn't leave a nasty message, he is the one who said he would have his phone, he is the one that carries it like it is glued to his hip when I'm with him, he's the one that called me, I was just returning his phone call....I slipped and told him he needs to take his meds, his emotions are out of control.....I feel like he won again!!!!!
Life can be so confusing with an "A", can't it. Sometimes my "A" leaves my head spinning. The Jekly/Hyde thing is hard to keep up with as well. I never know who I am going to talk to when I call my "A" or answer his calls. Sometimes I cross my fingers when I pick up the phone.
You said you had to "Let Go", that is a good thing to do. You also came here, a safe place to vent. A safe place to let your heart out, and get soem ESH. That is another good thing to do. You are doing a good job.
Sometimes I have slipped and said something I was thinking. It happens, we are only human. And there have been a few times that my slips have had a great meaning to my "A", especially if I am right. I know I am right when something I have said really pisses him off. Because he has to face the truth of my words, even if I didn't mean for them to come out. When I slip, I pray that somehow my HP can make good of my mistake.
Mary, you are doing the best you can with what you have.
Keep Coming Back!
Much Love,
Mandy
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
There isn't any pleasing an A.... if you want "left", they want "right". If you want "right", they'll want something else.... Remember the joke about the eggs...
It is far better energy to spend time on pleasing yourself... He wants to keep you in chaos, cuz that is where he feels most comfortable, and he knows if he keeps you mired in this muck, then he can still be an A....
Vicious circle...
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Can't rationalize insanity. I sure used to try before i knew this fact.
The disease is like a roller coaster remember? i sure know what you are going thru. I remember how painful it was.
Now if the disease says something icky, i tell it to go away. I am fortunate as my A does go away if i ask him to.
If the disease says, i don't give a sh** i just smile and say i know you do.
I know he does now. HE knows I know, the disease knows i know. Took a long time to get here. i Know my love is being controlled by his disease. i know when it is mostly him there.
Sadly the disease mostly has him. But I finally got where i just know how my A really feels. he needs me to carry our love in my heart. he needs me to keep it safe and believe it is always there.
Maybe as soon as you hear it is the disease on the phone, you could say, on its you, and then say will talk you later, love you. period.
Or something else creative.
yep i agree with the jekyl and hyde thing. Almost all of us come here with that analogy. it is real.
... his emotions are out of control.....I feel like he won again!!!!!
I feel so bad you're going through this rollercoaster, I know how much it hurts. I just want to point out something that maybe I'm a little sensitive to lately. First of all 'his emotions are out of control.' He is a sick person with a disease that is not under control, what are your expectations here? Also, and I don't mean to be cruel, just bluntly honest; are YOUR emotions under control? If you are in the midst of turmoil with an active A, it would be a miracle if they were.
As far as 'he won...' Thinking that he won implies that you lost. Very dangerous from my piont of view. This is the kind of attitude both my ex and I had that was very destructive to the relationship.
Thanks for letting me vent, it helps me look at myself from the outside.
Okay life is a pain in the neck at times. Especially with an anctive A. (I'm assuming he's active? If not, my apologies.)
I don't understand what you mean by "he's won again." Is this a contest? What's the prize? The only "winner" is the disease. That's his battle to win not yours. Unless you're on a debating team, I don't believe that arguments are won or lost. There is no keeping score.
We all can be a Jekly and Hyde. When I'm sick, the best thing I can do is to hide under the covers. Keep everyone away from me. I say things I don't really mean. I get irritated at things that normally don't bother me. I think it would be wise for both you to cut each other some slack. He misread your message, and you're getting upset because he didn't answer his phone. Maybe he had it with him, but forgot to turn it on. Yes, if he's off his meds, it can mess you up. My A gets panicky and needy when he's missed his. So a gentle reminder is not out of order. He might not react that way at that moment. But he might thank you for it later or realize that you were right about reminding him.
I keep a worry stone in my pocket that my A picked up for me at an AA meeting. When things get tense at work or wherever, I rub the stone and concentrate on the feel of it. It's a way of stepping back and taking a deep breath before I plunge back into life. If my boss is screaming, I just rub it and let him rant and rave. Chances are he needs to get something off of his chest, and it's not really directed at me.
Hang in there. Sometimes it's just the day.
"We cannot stop the wind from blowing. But we can set our sails so it help's on our way."
Live strong, Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I'm sure you're not going to like my reply, but I'm just being honest. I reread your post three times, and in my opinion you were the one behaving obsessive and compulsively. You said you called, then called back and left a message. Then called again, then again until he *finally* answered the phone. Why did you feel the need to call again after leaving a message? Instead of trying to figure out why he does what he does, and says what he says......place that focus back on yourself where it belongs and figure out why you do the things you do. Since you are the only one you can change, trying to figure out why he does certain things or reacts certain ways is nothing but a waste of your time.
You may be telling yourself that you were enjoying having your nights all to yourself but from what you shared it seems you are angry and resentful at the fact that he's working nights. The comment about him cutting you off mid sentence and his all important friends.......shows that you are resentful. That's perfectly ok and understandable, but in order for you to heal you need to be honest with yourself. It's not always an easy thing to do.
He called to comment that *your song* was playing on the radio. That was a nice thing. It shows he was thinking of you. You need to search yourself and figure out why you are so angry at him right now. What exactly is he doing that has you so upset?
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Kathy S --
~*I trust my Higher Power that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life today.*~
