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This is a follow up to my previous post and I just need to vent. I was hard on myself, yet again, thinking that I'm just over analyzing things due to what I went through with my ex abf for years. Trust is hard for me, I know. I alway say I will listen better to my insticts then I always end up pushing them aside cause I think I'm affected by my past and it's affecting the present. So, I ignore. So update...I went to dinner with my now current bf, to a place him and his partner go regualry and where there are all his "friendly bantering" waitress. I told myself, I'm going to have a good time...was confident...got "on board" with the evening, was going to not worry about what I thought was in my mind, etc etc. Things were fine. Having dinner with his partner and of course the main prob waitress was ours. No problem I said...I dove right in and was friendly, and actually was having a good time. Then in short...the waitress told my bf she was going to Panama City next weekend for bike week. In short..he bascailly made some comments asking if she was going to go to Coyote Ugly's, and me if I wanted to go along ha ha ..didn't think much of the conversation at this point right..still was doing fine...(keep in mind you he is also friends on facebook with this women and I am not)....then he proceeds to ask her is she is going to put her pictures from the trip on fb and she said yes...then he said this - "well, the pictures you can't put up for everybody to see on fb, you can send behind the scenes to me and him (pointing to his partner that didn't say a word - he is married)...she said ah no. and I was quite for the rest of the evening. He wanted to talk about it and I told him I was tired of talking about the same stuff and I was completely embarressed and disrespected and he agreed. Bascially after that he addmitted he had a problem and that is was nothing sexual but it was an attention thing - like the class clown getting the laughs - it's an ego thing he said that he needs and wants to fix due to the fact he was married to a "room-mate" for 20 years... and he sees that it is completely disresptful and totally underminds his whole "integrity" character that he is big on. I will say, I expect all the time to be dismissed. To mention a problem with the exab I always was. If you don't like it too bad type of thing. Just another day in paradise.
Dear mslouise, Keep your eyes wide open. HE IS TELLING YOU LOUD AND CLEAR WHO HE IS!
You have admitted that you have issues to work on(are working on). I think the fact that you are asking questions is a good sign. The purpose of "dating" is to find out who the other person is. It takes a good amount of time and you should see him in a variety of other life situations. Each one will give you a lot of information.
WHEN A PERSON TELLS YOU WHO THEY ARE---BELIEVE THEM THE FIRST TIME!
I was all for giving him the benefit of the doubt because I didn't like that I'd changed from being outgoing to suit my A's temper. Reading this though has me remembering something similar he did that, when I tried to talk about it, it blew up in my face, I was trying to imprison him, being all controlling, jealous, mean, - didn't want him to be himself, etc. I have come to believe that some men from being single for a long time, really like all that goes with being single. They like the freedom to be just the way you described him. Mine has had similar conversations in front of me and couldn't understand why it upset me - I tried to put it in a way he might understand, If I had been talking that way with an ex boyfriend, or if I had spent so much time talking to the opposite gender while he sat there feeling left out - how would he feel. All I got for my effort was him screaming at me that "it all has to be your way!" and "I'm in a marriage, not a prison". I've decided that what he wants is the benefits of being married - someone to do the laundry, dishes, clean up, anything he doesn't want to do; but the freedom of being single (able to talk dirty to his friends with wife sitting there taking it because it MEANS NOTHING, huh? means nothing to him but is like a dagger to me). He wants to go be his normal free and single self, but have me at home waiting to cuddle up with him when HE is ready - when HE wants a wife, he will pull her out of the box and use her, then she can go away and amuse herself until he needs/wants her again. as long as she doesn't dare to speak any more than is absolutely necessary to any member of the opposite gender mind you. I cry foul, we fight, he goes off and drinks, says he is drinking to get away from my anger, blah blah blah. I think there are a lot of guys of my age group that are similar - they have been bachelors and like it, then feel mortal - father time starting to stomp at them, and dthey don't want to be alone. They expect you to give up all rights to be the wife, but they don't give up their right to be one of the guys. The country song, whats a guy gotta do to get a girl in this town, don't wanna be alone when the sun goes down, want a sweet little something to put my arms around....GET A DOG!
bottom line, I would not mistrust the instinct - give him a chance to grow up upon realization that it hurts you but.... you may always have to be talking to him about the same type of thing. Cheers.
__________________
I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Aloha Mslouise...Thanks for the vent. It rang my bells on how important my 4th thru 10th steps process is. "Who am I? and Why do I do what I do?" Even my HP as God as I understand God asked me those questions so it was important to both of us.
When I looked at the situations I got into and now get into I understand that they are the consequences of my own choices. Life ain't just an accident...I play a part.
If he shows disrespect for your feelings now...do you honestly think it will get better as the "relationship" gets a year or two down the road? Actions speak louder than words..and his actions are loud and clear, in my humble opinion..
I'd like to add something I read from "The Language of Letting Go", by Melody Beattie..."What we are striving for in recovery is a healthy attraction to people. We allow ourselves to be attracted to who people ARE, not to their potential or to what we hope they are. Finishing our business from the past helps us form new and healthier relationships. The more we learn to love and respect ourselves, the more we will become attracted to people who will love and respect us and who we can safely love and respect."
-- Edited by justjudy on Tuesday 26th of April 2011 08:25:29 AM
