Jerry F wrote:

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It's not about what is off kilter with "them" but what is off kilter with me...

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There it is, for me that is the crux of the problem, when I was going through my codependent bottom I didn't even know who I was, I lost myself, I was so fixated on my "alcoholics", and quite frankly addicted to them and the hurt, and drama, and pain....

It didn't start out that way, and never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine it could happen to me, but there it is...if someone asked ME how -I- was, all I could talk about was these other people and how they had harmed me, and the funny thing is I started seeing that behavior in others before I saw it in myself, I ran into an old friend who I hadn't seen in 10 years or so and asked her how she was and she had a complete and utter inability to talk about herself, it was "my husband this" and "my husband that"...

This got my attention, until I was talking to an old timer once and running down my girlfriend, I finally had her "dead to rights" and she was wrong wrong wrong, and this old timer gave me a blistering butt chew, he told me if I was actually working on my own program I had so many character defects that I would be so busy I wouldn't even be able to see anyone else, much less take their inventory, and if I was taking someone else's inventory rather then my own it was the exact opposite of working a program, it was a codie relapse

This took me a LONG time to understand, but understand it I do now, it's NOT letting them "off the hook" by not taking their inventory, but it's focusing "on the problem" and it's what makes me sick, but by focusing on my OWN inventory, my OWN actions is where I learned where I made the decisions based on self that placed me in a position to be hurt, where I needed to put boundaries in place that protected me from being hurt, learning how to put my boundaries in MY OWN yard, and not someone else's, ala attempting behavior modification and calling it a boundary

I got more addicted to focusing on others and taking their inventory then anything else I have ever encountered in my life except nicotine, and like nicotine there were ZERO positive benefits and it was killing me, it was like being addicted to self mutilation, except what I was mutilating was my soul

for me taking someone else's inventory, thinking I know what's best for someone else is a relapse, and when my codie relapses crop up it's a struggle for days, the craving to be hypervigilant and hypersensitive, to get out the microscope and examine every little minutuea of behavior in my sig O is nearly over-powering, it's horrible, and it takes every tool in my arsenal to bring myself back to self focus, recovering from my codependency made my recovery from alcohol look like a walk in the park..

BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WAS SOMEONE ELSE'S FAULT

It was horrible

Both the problem and the solution lie in the mirror, depends on which I choose to look at when I wake up in the morning, that decides what kind of day I have, string enough of those together and that begins to define what kind of life I am going to have

I aint some kind of highly evolved person either, this week has been armegeddon in my head, the best I have been able to do is not harm anyone..., not yell at anyone, not say anything I can't take back, and I'll take it....that's why I have been spending so much time here the last few days, I needed all day "support" with recovery based thinking because my brain has been like a bad neighborhood this week, not advisable to go their alone

the tools are there because we need them

 Asking myself "what is my part?" has never been the wrong decision to make, and just telling myself my character defects are caused by others or I just choose the wrong people is just as much a relapse as taking their inventory

I need to get down to causes and conditions...and the thing is I do to STOP hurting, I don't roll around in my muck because I beat myself up, I look through that stuff so I don't have to sit and sulk in a hot tub full of my own poop and sulk at people or yell at them when they come too near, I keep a weather eye out so I can go play in the sun and be happy, because this stuff is PAINFUL, it doesn't even have the benefit of alcoholism like black outs, new best friends, and sex with multiple partners in a consequence free environment, I mean hell, at least that stuff makes sense ya know?

-- Edited by linbaba on Saturday 23rd of April 2011 01:41:54 PM

Well we do try to fix things but I think that you are there to support others. And that is not fixing it - there is a difference.

In support,
Nancy

And now I guard and protect my serenity with the same tenacity that my alcoholic guards his sobriety. It's a selfish program.

I remind myself all the time that "it's not my deal." I am a much happier person when I only live my life. No one else's. Just mine. When he gets mad at me or trys to manipulate me, I live only my life. His problems are his. They are not my deal. They are not mine to fix.

I could've written this. This is so very true for me, too.

Every relationship I ever had was with an addict or alcoholic (or both). There's only one common denominator in that: me. The problem is ME, not any of those people.

*nodnod* years ago when i first heard "the only common denominator in my relationships is me" it was a revelation. although at first, i took it as a reason to blame myself for everything, to flagellate myself emotionally, i felt like i had a "victim" sign flashing in neon over my head. those thoughts were all me, too.

looking back at the relationship with my ex-bfA, the first few years i was doing as well as i could at detaching, so much so that it would piss him off. even so i could bounce back to serenity with the help of the 12 steps, for the most part. i kept following my path and didn't worry about his. it was only he broke up with me (several times in the past few years), each time he would leave i would fall back into that old pattern of self-blame: if the only common denominator is me, then there's something awfully wrong with me! when he dumped me for good and blamed me, well, it's only been a few weeks and i still keep blaming myself - but for the wrong reasons.

now, does blaming myself help? no, of course not. can i fix everything about myself, by myself? no, of course not. i need the HP, and i need to be with others who are 12-stepping.

that being said ... do i ever want to date an alcoholic or drug addict ever again, even if they seem healthy in their recovery? no. no way. it doesn't mean they're bad, it just means i've learned they're not my type. i will consciously avoid them, because my HP is telling me, "you're a mother now, you don't have energy for all that and yourself, too. keep it simple!"