"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

katfshh · Senior Member

Some one tell me what you think

katfshh · Senior Member

OK, I need to calm down. This is the sort of stuff in my family that makes everything worse. In my opinion, my mother is so very unsupportive. Here is the email she just sent to me. This is not what I need. I am trying to be OK here and my life is falling apart and this is what I get from my own mother? .....

Kat I am leaving here in a minute but first let me tell you a little story: STOP BLAMING YOUR DAD HE IS NOTHING LIKE THE GUYS YOU ALWAYS PICK. MY HEART BLEEDS WHEN YOU LET THAT CRAP HAPPEN AROUND MY GRANDKIDSN.... CALLED ME (HE WAS UPSET AND WORRIED ABOUT YOU AND WANTED TO VENT AND DO NOT BLAME HIM) YOUR FIANCE SENT ME THE FIRST TEXT I HAD KNOW PLANS TO TEXT OR CALL HIM. WHY THE HECK DO YOU LET HIM READ AND ANSWER YOUR TEXT ANYWAY, THAT IS STUPID? I WOULD LOVE TO STAY OUT OF YOUR BUSINESS ALL THAT CRAP REALLY UPSETS ME. YOU REALLY NEED TO GROW UP WITH YOUR BLAMING EVERYONE ELSE AND LOOK AT WHAT YOU ARE DOING TO YOUANR DAUGHTER AND THE BOYS. BY THE WAY E...., N.... AND J.... HAD THE SAME FATHER YOU DID WE ALL HAVE FAULTS, OWN UP TO YOURS..i DO NOT KNOW WHY YOU ALWAYS TRY TO RUIN THE FAMILY GET TOGETHERS.

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

I understand that you'd like to go for your son. However, what would be best for you & why? That's what I've learned to ask myself. Not always easy, I realize that.

Sorry your mom is the way she is. She is what she is. I understand your feelings there, too. Learn from her and treat your son with the respect that you wish she knew how to give you. Break the pattern - let it begin with you.

I've learned to be really selective about who I choose to share my business with. Sometimes, I choose to keep things between the Power of my understanding and me. It took me a long time to be comfortable with that.

Whatever you choose to do, I hope you have an enjoyable day tomorrow.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

This sounds very stressful for you. And of course families are famous for telling members what to do and talking about their business, even without alcoholism in the picture. I suspect trying to stop any family from being that way is doomed to failure. We'd love to be able to control what our families say and do, but it's like trying to control the weather, isn't it?

One thing stands out to me -- you're hoping that some members of your family will keep some events a secret from the others. I've learned in my journey into recovery that secrets can be poisonous -- making them, keeping them, trying to make others keep them... It might be better to get to the place where having the secrets be open can no longer hurt.

I'll share one thing in case it might be of help. I come from a small family and over the years everyone in my family passed away. There was literally no one left but me. Then I reconnected with a distant cousin I had met when I was very young. The cousin's family invited me for Thanksgiving dinner. I was so excited to have "family" again! When I got there, they were all over me: Did I have a boyfriend? How long had we been together? Was I going to marry him? Why hadn't I decided? Was something wrong with me? Shouldn't I be more anxious about getting married? Etc. etc. etc. At first I was very annoyed by their nosiness and their strong opinions. Then suddenly I thought, "I remember this. This is Family." Family has a down side as well as an up side. Family gets in your business and doesn't sugarcoat their opinions! And I thought, "Now I have a family again." There was some joy as well as some annoyance to it. But I also just brushed off their questions.

When I'm anticipating a difficult time with people, sometimes it helps me to visualize and plan out what I'm going to say when they start prying. "You ought to do X!" "Thanks, I'm handling it." "But I heard Y! How can you put up with that!" "Thanks, I'm handling it." "But so-and-so said..." "Thanks, I'm handling it. Did you see there's a sale on at Smith's next week?"

I hope you can keep on taking good care of yourself. Hugs.

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

I like Mattie's suggestion of "not biting" and deflection..... Another option is that setting boundaries can sometimes be good for family members as well - one reason your Mom feels so inclined to be this way with you is that you "invite" her to do so... Maybe try to come up with a workable boundary, where you can tell her that you love her, but are NOT willing to discuss your recovery with her, and that you have a recovery support team who you are leaning on for that....

Tom

katfshh · Senior Member

OK, thanks so much for the insight.

Canadianguy, what you said about me "inviting her to do so", How do I do that?? Someone else told me that a long time ago. So, I seriously need to understand when and how I do this ?

Mattie, I love the answer, "Thanks I'm handeling it." I love this. Thank you.

katfshh · Senior Member

Another thing, I guess it really hurts that my mother isn't saying, "I love you, stay strong" Or something supportive. I am hurting right now. My life was calm and peacefu a few weeks ago. I was newly engaged, happy, and planning a vacation with my AF to Kauai. Then bingo, he gives up 8 months of sobriety, and I am sad, and lonely, and confused. I am trying hard to work on my own recovery, but the truth of the matter is, I miss my AF. I care about him and hope and pray that he finds his way back to Sobriety. With all of that, I am raising my kids, his son is here, depressed and worried. And I am scrambling to pay the bills. And the only people that seem to care about what I am going through is the Al-Anon people. My own mother doesn't even say something encouraging or positive or loving. That is really painful.

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Stop telling anyone in your family whats going on in your home then you wont be getting any unsolicited advice . Find meetings for yourself , talk to Al-Anons they understand and keep thier mouths shut . Go to your dinner with family and if anyone asks about your friend divert to another subject , if they want to know why he isnt there with you , tell them you dont know why they will have to ask him next time they see him , that one usually stops the conversation cold not much more to say to that answer .. If they want to talk about him simply tell them your not interested you have made your choice to stay in this relationship and ask them to support your decission . good luck Louise

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

This sounds like how the disease alienates us from our families.

My thoughts are same as tom's. Setting up boundaries I have seen can work.

ex: I am choosing not to talk about my relationships with anymore.Not using them as what made you decided this.

for me I learned just becuz someone is family, does not mean they are not toxic.

I was hurt badly by my only aunt. found out what she was really like when My gma died. prejudice, critical, lied, just very bad. I have not seen her or talked to her in many years. She stole what my grama left to me.

Its not always ez letting your relatives know you are an adult and make your own decisions. NO ONE trusted my ex AH. no one, cept my grama really liked him. Said there is something good about that boy. she was 106 then.

His disease affected me all my life. I didn't know that recovery is not forever. I had no idea about relapse.

Anyway glad you are here.love,deb

katfshh · Senior Member

I recently decided not to give my mother information. But, my kids tell her everything. I don't know how they got to the point where they "tell my mommy on me." But, they do. They have always called her when they are mad at me. They always call her if I won't give them a ride, or do something for them. My kids are now 21, 19, 17, 12. My brother always said you need to have the 45 minute rule. What he meant was we should all live at least 45 minutes away from our parents. I live 3 minutes away from my mother!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

How about a boundary for the kids? No sharing family information? consequense, no phone. Take it out of the wall. Keep your cell with you. Take their cells away.

Kids need boundaries. We teach others how to treat us.

Hugs hon deb

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Katfishh:

Re: your mother is not supporting you

I understand the pain of a non-supportive mother. My mother suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder, which renders her not capable of recognizing anyone else's needs.

What I had to learn to do is not expect to receive support from her. Any time I tried it was painful to say the least.

Your mother is doing the best she can. Perhaps she is so full of fear for you because she lived with an alcoholic and doesn't want that to happen to you.

Develop support systems outside the family if you can. That is what I've done most of my adult life, after I finally amitted that my mother is ill.

Also, I like the "I'm handling" response, too. I'm not certain you can stop your children from sharing w/grandma. They have established that kind of relationship long ago. If it's not their idea to "bite their tongues" not certain how successful you would be trying to put a boundary in place for them.

-- Edited by GailMichelle on Friday 22nd of April 2011 06:41:57 PM

katfshh · Senior Member

I guess I have issues with my mom. I know I wished we were closer, I wished she was someone I could talk to, and someone that would listen. But, talking to her is futile. I need to figure out why I still have the same wishes I did as a child. I am the oldest of 4 children. The others were 2 years, 4 years, and 12 years younger than I was. Obviously, she doesn't get that we are all different and have been affected differently. I even told her, I love my Dad. I am not blaming him at all. But, she thinks that I am. I love that I found Al-Anon. It was the first time I felt like I was understood when I shared at my first meeting. I belong here and at meetings right now. This is what I need. Thank you all so much for your replies.

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

I am so glad you are here.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"