"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP, and glad you found us..... Sounds to me like you pretty much know the answers to most of your own questions.... Perhaps ask yourself "what is stopping me from choosing recovery for ME?" Is it fear of change, is it something else??

Not all active A's are mean and abusive - not even close... they come in as many different personalities as one could imagine.... This doesn't really minimize the damage they are doing to themselves and their loved ones around them.... Also, please don't forget that this is a progressive disease, so things WILL get worse, if he is unable to choose sobriety for himself...

Asking him to choose between drinking and you is just that..... words.... Of course he chooses you, because, at this point, you are just asking him to say words to that effect.... When you are ready (and not before), you will need to set boundaries for you and your sanity, and they need to have consequences of these boundaries being crossed...

"He will either drink, or he won't... what are YOU gonna do?"

Choose recovery for yourself.... he may or may not choose to do the same for himself.... Either way, you'll be in a much better place....

Take care

Tom

katfshh · Senior Member

Hi, I can relate to you very well right now. I am in the same place. Although, I asked my AF to leave on Tuesday and he did. He hasn't called anyone or come back. We too moved into a new place together and I need his income to keep it. He even stopped payment on our rent check a few weeks ago when he started drinking so he could have more cash for his addiction. My big thing is boundaries. I am really trying to focus on that and figure out what exactlly that means and what they are, and how to have consequences if they are broken. I find this part very difficult. As far as him being on Suboxon, it's not sobriety. Sorry, but there is an industry out there of medical professionals and pharmacutical companies that are making a mint off of that stuff. My 19 year old is a heroine addict, and they discharged him from rehab with suboxon. It was still miserable and he would go back to smoking the Heroine and then back to taking the subs. It was like it was a way for him to keep from having withdrawls. He finally detoxed himself off the suboxon at home. He had major anxiety and wound up in the ER with chest pain. When he got there, they offered him suboxon! He refused. He wanted off that crap. He did it, he got through it. But, HE really wanted to. When he was actively addicted, nothing I did or said made him stop. Somehow, it came from him. I am a medical professional, and I call BS on suboxon. I really do. All it is IMO is a way to prolong getting fully recovered.

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

It doesn't matter how kind and sweet he is, he is ill. And as Canadianguy said, he will get progressively ill if he doesn't choose recovery.

I lived with alcoholism for 36 years. In the beginning, he was "kind and sweet" when not drinking. Fastforward a fewe decades and he was unrecognizable at times.

IF I had to do it all over again, I would bypass all the insanity and go directly to Al-anon meetings as much as I could. If I did not like one group, I'd search for another. I'd also read reread the book by Toby Rice Drews, Getting Them Sober, voumne one. I'd study that book just like some study The Bible. I'd not only study it, I'd apply the suggestions provided.

I'm doing all the above now, after a lot of "crap" has flowed under the bridge.

Just this morning, I was rereading a section that addressed how the spouse would ask the alcoholic if he was drinking. Alcoholic denies it. Agruing ensues. Both hop on the merry go round of insanity. I see clearly now that it's best not to even ask if they're drinking because the disease will say NO.

Welcome to MIP. I hope you return often.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to mip. You did just fine.

What struck me is how very sick your A is. As he continues to abuse substances, it damages more and more of his organs, including his brain. Every A breaks down in their own time. If they cont. to use, the chances of being mean, out of control grow higher and higer. In other words, it gets worse.

What I learned to do is not expect anything from the A. Afterall he is very sick. I would not trust my life to anyone who is brain damaged, which they are when they use.

Never depend on them for housing, utilities, vehicle, food, nothing. To me it is setting ourselves up for a nightmare waiting to happen. Even if they are in recovery, I still will not depend on them. If they contribute great, if not we are safe.

We can do nothing for them. They will use or they won't. It is the nature of the addict. Of course he drinks. The rest of his life he will be in recovery, just sober, or using. This is what we take on when we live with and or love an A.

No use in even reacting to them when they do use, you are only dealing with a sick brain. Better to distance yourself, detach.

My life was torn apart by this disease since I fell in love with my A at 17. Mip is where I learned the tools to get thru the disease, did all I could. When I was ready, I cut him and his disease completely off.

Learned so much. Am finally back on my feet from marrying him in 99. took me 9 years after loosing everything, I finally lost my home. BUT am blessed now with a great cabin by a river, economy car, my 6 dogs and a cat., Can finally afford food again! AND I am HAPPY!

so here is my experience. Please, please come here. we are here for you. We care.

Love,debilyn

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you all for your responses.

Canadianguy: to answer your question, even though it may be that you weren't looking for an answer from me, maybe I need to answer it FOR me: **"what is stopping me from choosing recovery for ME?" Is it fear of change, is it something else??"** I think its very deeply routed in some childhood trauma that I am not recovered from and from the resulting PTSD, anxiety, panic attacks and major depression. I am scared of being with me. I am scared of being "alone" as it were. I know that from working through the first 3.5 steps when I was in alanon before. I know my downfalls...I know why I haven't chosen recovery, becuase maybe I like being in the middle of extreme drama and trauma from the abuse I suffered as a small, innocent little girl. I don't know if thats an answer... The other problem is I know how to "talk the talk" in alanon and not walk the walk. I guess I need to learn to apply the tools.

Katfshh: Yes I realize and agree wholeheartedly that suboxene seems to be a crutch and that it has not yet worked, he goes back to using whenever the drinking gets too bad again (drinks while on suboxene, to, I don't know, help numb himself like the opiates do?) I thank you for relating to me. I am not sure what I will do if I have him leave. He is laying in bed today trying to recover from his binge last night. He has no idea how much he drank but it was ALOT and he is shaking, puking and dizzy today. So he isn't moving just laying in bed. I hope to my HP that he realizes and finds recovery for himself. Stops saying words and does some actions.

GailMichelle: I have read that book and I think I need to work on applying it. I understand it, and I had a really hard time making it work for me. I know what you mean, whenever I have asked him if he drank, he is drunk and denies it. When he uses opiates, there is no denial at all, but it starts the rollercoaster of him using that and paying tons of money for it, thus making his bank account run dry.... I gave up asking him if he was on anything when I learned that if I have to ask its probably already happened...

I guess my main thing stems from me feeling like I know what to say to "look" good. Something I was raised to do maybe by my co-dependent mom? Or the child hood truamas? Who knows. Thanks again all!

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Debilyn, thank you as well. I wish I had read and applied your post here about 3 weeks ago. Now I am in a 12 month lease, and if I don't have his income, I am not sure what I will do. I am sure it will all work out... You are right, he is very sick and is drowning in his addiction. I see it so clearly now, more than I ever did. He tells me things he thinks I want to hear about it, that he will stop, that this is the last time is going to go out and cop drugs. That he will never drink again.... Then he says "I love you" and he knows when and how to say it to keep me pulled in with him. I am tired. Thanks for your post.

nmike · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP! You have found the right place. I have had similar feelings about my AHsober who has since left the marriage. He just didn't seem like the others described here. But it is all the same - the disease of alcoholism and addiction - cunning, baffling, and insanity in both of us result. Give Alanon another try.

In support,
Nancy

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

My AH was never abusive -- always mellow and easy-going. But there's another kind of abuse -- more a neglect kind of abuse. I once read that everyone in a relationship with an alcoholic is in a three-person triangle -- there's you, the alcoholic, and the alcohol. The alcohol is his primary partner, and you're the add-on. It hurts that when you want some comfort, he might not be available because he has to go to the bar. Or when you've made plans, but he's too drunk to do them. Or you know you can't take him along to the family get-together because he slur his words and say weird things and be embarrassing. And the lying and secrecy, which initially are so deceptive that you don't realize how much sneaking and hiding is going on. That's not active abuse, but it's not a healthy responsive relationship either. You're giving your all, but he's not giving much. That's my experience of it.

Just because you know what to say to sound like you're in recovery doesn't mean you don't belong in real recovery! If it gets painful enough that you genuinely want your life to change, you might try working the program as hard as you can. You don't have to say the "right" things to us. But if you say them to yourself, my experience is that your life will change for the better.

Hugs.

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

You found me, thanks for sharing. Please keep coming back. This is a safe place to share what is on your mind and heart.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"