The material presented
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Tonight I finally went to a meeting.. Lets just say it was intresting... I found the topic was on compasion... Hmmm this was my first meeting and not the meeting I wanted tonight... I left tonight empty and hollow.. I came home shaken not knowing how to handle all of the emotions
Compassion is something I have had and given into so many times. I now have hate compassion is why I have stuck around in my marriage and supported my husband to keep our family together. Compassion for my kids and my husband believing he would change .. Compassion??? I am still in deep thought with this one
Good for you Pink...more meetings and you'll have many more new understandings which will clean up and settle your spirit. I relate to your post and have been in Al-Anon a time so keep coming back with an open mind and listen, listen, listen. Sooner or later we all graduate into practice, practice, practice. Compassion came to me from a different perspective when I learned my alcoholic wife had a life threatening disease that not only was killing her and also affecting everyone she came in contact with which helped widen the use of compassion. I even added myself to that list. Compassion for me today means "feeling with" rather than "feeling for". Feeling for involves more sympathy toward the other people. Might be a bit trite however that is what has worked for me.
Keep coming back and sharing your recovery with this MIP family. ((((hugs))))
I highly suggest that you continue to attend meetings and give them a good try. Tonight, I shared with a group of Al-anon members that I did things a bit backwards: I divorced and then went to meetings.
I've only attended about 8 so far in 2 months and have discovered how I contributed to the insanity of the relationship. A lot of what I did to try to get him to stop only prompted more drinking.
One newcomer shared with us all that she thought we, those who spoke tonight, were all selfish. She did say that she didn't want to offend anybody, but that she just couldn't understand why we kept saying we need to put the focus on ourselves.
One longtime member shared that if any of us knew how to get the alcoholic or addict to stop, then we'd be on a book tour right now selling millions. He stated that no such book exists because we don't have that kind of control.
Each meeting gets better and better. I feel more comfortable and things that I've read and learned in private counseling are coming together as I participate in this group.
I hope you come back to share your journey. We all learn from each other, no matter what stage where in.
__________________
You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
You might have heard in the closing procedure at your meeting tonight. "If you keep an open mind you can find help". Only ten words. But ten words that changed my life and can do the same for you. The last nine words I hear when our meetings are concluded as we all hold hands are: "Keep coming back it works if you work it". Only words but significant to the recovery we seek from the disease that over time made our life unmanageable. Significant because if we keep and open mind and keep coming back we will find the help we need. Give the program the opportunity and time to do for you what it has done for others. Myself included.
I to had loss compassion for my wife. Later I was able to seperate the disease from the person. My wife has a disease that has consumed her mind, body, and spirit and I now have compassion for the struggles she faces daily. On the other hand the disease is selfish, powerful and mind alterating with no feelings of compassion. The program opened my eyes and gave me acceptance. Acceptance that compassion is a vital part of my recovery.
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Wednesday 20th of April 2011 12:33:28 AM
Thanks for your reply... I know I will continue to go to these meetings. I am not sure how to will help but at this point I am willing to give anything a shot. My husband is not an everynight drinker he is abotu once a week and when he drinks he is a cheating alcoholic. It maybe a text message or flirtations it really depends. When he does this he gets really mad at me he blames me and uses the excuse he was all over another woman becuase he was angry at me. He has admited two other affairs that continued as relationships when sober he claims its the alcohol I think I believe its just myself for allowing it so long and always talking him back.
I am not sure if I am the only one who feels as if I keep setting myself up to get hurt over an over again. Even tonight I had invited my husband told him the time of the meeting and gave him the address. He didnt show up becuase of work and for a man that is losing his family I would think I deserve alittle more respect it hurts my heart I love him so much and I cant get the same in return.
I keep going in the circle that when he makes a mistake I tell him if you do that again I am going to leave. This cycle keeps going on and on and never stops. I am tired I shouldnt have to beg someone to love me or wonder how drunk they are becuase they will cheat. Its not a good way to live.
Pinkdaisy, I know you don't feel like there is much hope, if any. But please believe me you can find a way to live through the program that Al-Anon has to offer.
I spent nearly 18 years, of and on, in private counseling and read tons and tons of books on alcoholism. I've spent less than two complete months going to weekly meetings. I can't tell you what a difference these meetings have made in my life.
Give meetings a chance.
__________________
You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Dear pinkdaisy. I know you are hurting, confused, discouraged, angry.....all at the same time. Therefore, pinkdaisy, please listen to the veterans (especially) on this board and stay with the program. Go on faith right now that they will not steer you wrong.
I'm just wondering-----what do you think you would do if your AH was NOT addicted to anything, but was exhibiting the same behaviors?
Otie, I have been thinking about your question thats a deep question for me. Well I would like to say I would not have put up with his behaviors and would have left him already. At first he use his Alcoholisim as and excuse for one affair. The second he said was just becuase I wasnt there for him in his time of need and I always argue... The continous contact with the woman who he had the second affair with could be a random text message saying he was sorry or posting a picture of her on his facebook. Sending her blank emails things like this. All of these he said he was drunk and cant remember anything. Again these actions were becuase he was mad at me becuase of something I did or a change I didnt make. This last time a group of friends and my husband all went out and my husband was so wasted he was all over one of my friends holding her and massaging her shoulders. When he met eye contact with me he said I am sorry Pink Daisy I am so sorry. I fill like I keep setting myself up for failure. Like for example even tho I told him I wanted a divorce I wanted him to show up to the meeting I invited him to becuase he loves me and wants to be there for me. When he didnt come even though I exspected him to not make the time I was still hurt. I would like to think I am a woman that would never put up with these behaviors, but I am guilty. I am not saying I am the best at everything I do I am sure I have some faults and some repairs I need to make but I deserve to have my husband 100 percent faithful and not doubt that along with the fact that I deserve to be approached about my fault and given the oppurtunity to change it.
Dear Pinkdaisy. I hear what you are saying. I, also, have the view that trust and respect are essential in an intimate relationship. ANY intimate relationship.
I also hear you expressing GUILT, GUILT, GUILT throughout your post. You will be reminded over and over "You didn't cause it" and "You can't change it" . Using his sobriety (or lack of) as a bargaining tool doesn't work either. He will have to want sobriety for his reasons for himself.
There is a guy on this board---Canadianguy---that always reminds us "He is gonna drink or he isn't gonna drink. WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?"
Pinkdaisy, working the alanon program (reading the recommended materials, attending meetings, or at least attending the online meetings,board,ect) will give you insight and a way to start the changes that can lead you out of the pain that you and yours are going through.
Please keep posting your thoughts and questions and ask for guidence from the veterans on this borad. They have been there. They understand how you feel at all stages of this process.
what makes me feel guilt is becuase not all the time is he drinking I just think he uses it as an excuse. He drinks once a week maybe but its to many to keep count.
Dear Pinkdaisy. It isn't JUST when alcohol is in the person's system that it effects their actions. Alcoholism (like other addictions) is progressive. When not actually intoxicated their motivations and actions can still be centered around drinking---lying, criticizing, starting fights (to have an excuse to go drinking), manipulating in a thousand ways, neglecting family because resources have gone into drinking, on and on and on........ Aism eventually effects the A's whole life and very much the loved ones surrounding the A.
