Al Anon overall - Al-Anon Family Group

Sisyphus · Member

Al Anon overall

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

I know I feel the same way Sisyphus (what does your moniker mean?) - i have anger in me for having to deal with this disease. For three years I've been living with this man and thinking that I was going crazy because of the outrageous fights we'd have and not understanding the basis for the fighting was the effect alcohol has on his psyche and the way alcoholism works. There is a big part of me that says: if we get divorced no way am I going to go to meetings for the rest of my life, no way am I going to put so much energy, energy I do not have, into a program - I just won't date anyone with an alcohol problem. But, as time goes on and the more I read - the more I understand that unless I invest at least some of myself into it, I will most likely repeat the same things with the next one. I didn't know my AH had that big of a problem when I dated him and married him - even after he got unemployed I didn't know. So - to help hedge the bet that my next relationship, whether it be with AH or not, is a better one - I'll give it time. I can see how some of the program's ideas would work in a lot of different areas of my life. I don't want a repeat of the last three years.

linbaba · Veteran Member

Attending Al-anon meetings and getting into active recovery was for ME, not my alcoholic, I went to learn how to address my codependency, start seeing my patterns, start seeing WHY I chose the people I did in my life and learn how to start making healthy choices for ME, start learning where I ended and other people began, it was my codpependency and inability to live life on life terms and being a constant martyr, walking around with a giant knife in my back that hurt so badly, NOT my "alcoholic", and that's precisely why it was so difficult for me, I thought -SHE- was the problem, I thought -THEY- were the problem, but the truth was it my obsessing, fixating, trying to fix and control that was my problem, yeah I had a knife in my back, but I put it there myself then blamed her for it, there are NO victims, but there are volunteers, like my uncle said, "She might have stole the car but you gave her the car keys" so there she was driving around, getting in accidents, causing me pain while I shouted instructions from the passenger seat and trying to get sympathy from anyone who came close enough by telling everyone what a bad driver she was and showing them all the ways she hurt me... one day I just got out of the car...it was AMAZING how simple it was, I just took the car keys back to my own destiny

It's like I'm walking down the street and fell in a hole, I spent YEARS railing about the hole, telling anyone who would walk within earshot about the hole, wondering why no one put a sign up or a fence around the hole, thinking about how unfair it was I had to spend my life wallowing about in the hole and I was just....stuck

One day something clicked, and I said "Oh look, I fell in a hole" and I got out, Alanon teaches us how to recognize how we fall in holes, why we choose to jump in holes, how to recognize we have, in fact, fallen in a hole, teaches us how to get out, and teaches us patterns (by working the steps) about how to keep from falling in holes in the future, and the tools to climb out when we do

I had a choice, I could wallow about in that black hole of pain, misery, and blame for a few more years, or I could choose to climb out, Al-anon, and mainly the 12 steps made that possible, al-anon isn't for -her-, al-anon is for -us-

They say "If nothing changes, nothing changes" for years I thought that meant she needed to change, then one day I realized it was me that needed to change, when I changed, so did my life, the 12 steps taught me how to do that

roonpugs · Member

This is my battle currently as well... I drove myself to one Al Anon meeting so far and just cried the entire hour because I was mad I had to go, mad that this is what our marriage has become, mad that I am in recovery for something that wasn't my problem but has caused me to be in recovery... So much anger and other feelings I am going through and I can only hope relating to other people can ease some of my hostility and sadness. Hope that by hearing stories from others I don't feel so alone in this mess... I am planning to go to another meeting but it's hard because I have the burden of so many other things on my plate because my AH can not handle anything other than work. Coming to this Al Anon board daily is helping me, and I hope you can find some hope in this board as well. Venting on here and having people relate instead instead of going off on my AH who doesn't understand my side is helping me get through the days right now. People do read the posts and are sympathetic and that means the world.

Best Wishes

member922 · Senior Member

I wasn't sure what to expect. I thought that Al-Anon was some sort of cult or religious thing and they were going to drag me in somehow. I came to this board first and then ventured out to a meeting. It's not at all like that by the way.

I needed some help and/or guidance or something to begin with. I was in therapy and the program was recommended to me as I was dealing with an A for a boyfriend.

Nobody forced me to go. My thoughts make more sense than ever since I have gone to some meetings and read a lot of the literature.

Whatever time I have invested has been totally worth it. I have learned a lot about my behavior and boundaries and tolerances. I don't think i am putting in time for him. In working on myself, I can deal with life with or without him.

Glad you came to this board to look around. Whatever you decide, I wish you the best.

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome!

I surely understand your feelings, especially the resentment. Like all of us on this board, we've either felt like you do or still experience the feelings to varying degrees.

Completely understand where you are coming from. But I see things differently now.

Perhaps if you go to the link below and listen to the audios and/or click on the links on the left-hand side of the page, it might answer some of your questions or alleviate some of your feelings.

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/what-do-al-anon-members-have-to-say

david62 · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Sisyphus,

I understand your anger. I was once married to an alcoholic woman myself. And oh how I resented all the time lost due to her drinking. Some things have happened to me since I started attending face to face Al-Anon meetings seven years ago.

One of those things I quickly understood was that Al-Anon was NOT for the Alcoholic in my life. It was not part of Her treatment. Al-Anon was and is for me. She had her own program.

To be honest, I never resented the idea of my having to go to Al-Anon meetings, because for one thing I knew I didn't HAVE to go. It was my choice. Immediately I realized the meetings were helping me. I felt good there. I felt safe. I learned so much about what the Family Disease of Alcoholism is. I learned that because I was raised in an Alcoholic home and then later married an alcoholic, that I had been affected in ways I didn't even realize. And I immediated starting feeling differently.

I learned that all that "wasted" time I spend due to someone else drinking was a choice that I made. I was not a victim, I was a willing participant. Didn't I think I had choices before. Absolutely not. I HAD to be there to pick up the pieces, be the responsible person.....make sure everything under control.

I came to realize just how utterly I had failed to control someone else's drinking. I learned how much time I had wasted...myself.

You state: "I feel like so much has already been ripped away from me and now I am asked to give even more and the thought of that makes me literally sick".

I realized I already was "literally sick" from the Family Disease of Alcoholism before I attended Al-Anon.

I also have to tell you, that anything I have ever given of my time and of myself to Al-Anon has been paid back far greater than I can possibly ever give enought to cover.

Al-Anon shows that it is possible to live days Happy, Joyous and Free. I don't do that everyday, but far, far more of them are that way now than ever before in my life.

Al-Anon has a saying that goes something along the lines of this:

Give us a try. Come to six meetings and see if Al-Anon is for you. If you try and it doesn't help, we will glady refund your misery.

Keep coming back, Sisyphus. And give those 6 meetings a try if you like.

You have everything to gain.

Yours in Recovery,

David

Chelle3 · Veteran Member

I know how you feel Sisyphus. I prolonged going to a meeting for the SAME reasons. I was tired of giving so much of my time to a disease, but I went to my first meeting and Alanon really does help me. It's helped me more than anything. There is a lot of support and comfort in the meetings and for once you're actually with people who can understand your crazy life.

I resent therapy much more. We went to separate counseling and now we're in marital counseling which is an hour away. I also had to start working so I would have financial security and my job is an hour away. My whole life has changed to adapt and accept this disease. We do have a choice though, the choice to be alone or to accept marriage to an active A.

Alanon has really helped me to grow and to make peace with my life as it is. I also know and have worked through the steps long enough to know that I can leave if boundaries are crossed.

I would recommend trying one.

ythannah · Senior Member

Unlike you, I knew that I needed some sort of help for ME because I could see the damage that growing up in an alcoholic home had done to my patterns of thinking and feeling. So much so that, in spite of an intense hostility toward alcohol and heavy drinkers, I was apparently choosing to become and stay involved with alcoholic men -- couldn't understand that little irony.

Yet I still put off attending Al-Anon meetings. For about 20 years.

Lots of reasons -- thought I should be able to figure things out on my own, sensibly and intellectually -- for a while I even viewed Al-Anon as an outmoded program designed to keep wives of alcoholics complacent in the marriage and prevent the breakdown of the family unit. Much like an alcoholic, I was convinced I could "do this on my own".

When I finally came to Al-Anon, it was a desperate last-ditch measure; I genuinely thought I was too messed up to fix, irreparable. I walked out of my first meeting bewildered, asking myself "What was I so afraid of?" Now I see it as a program of emotional and spiritual growth that would benefit anyone; I'm lucky I "qualify", lol. I've heard it described as physiotherapy for the soul.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Sisyphus and Welcome

I do believe you have been given some fantastic responses from many MIP members,

I would just like to add, that your Log On name is a Mythological person who was forced to push a huge rock up a hill. When he reached the top it slipped back down to the bottom and he had to begin again This was his task for eternity!!

That is exactly how I felt while I was living with alcoholism WITHOUT THE ALANON TOOLS

Gives us a sincere effort You are worth it.

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm not defending the disease of alcoholism and I have never walked in the alcoholic's shoes. I do accept and realize alcoholism is a cunning, baffling, and powerful disease. It slowly takes over he mind, body, and spirit of the alcoholic. It is a disease. It took me a long time to realize that my wife didn't want to be controlled by the disease, she in fact had no control over the disease. The fact that your wife has accepted she has a problem, is seeking help, attending meetings and seeking recovery is a huge step on her part. It shows her determination to get her life back. The best thing you can do for her and more so for yourself is give the program a try, while keeping an open mind. Listen to what others in the meetings, member like yourself, have done to leave the resentment behind and put all the focus on themselves. I needed recovery, you need recovery, we all need recovery from the effect the disease has had on us. You don't have to be alone in the disease anymore.

I can identify with your feeling. I certainly have been where you are. I to thought it wasn't fair that I would have to spend time each week in a program because my wife was an alcoholic. It wasn't fair because I was not the one with the problem. I soon found out that the Al-Anon program wasn't for the alcoholic in my life, it was for me, to make my life better whether the alcoholic in my life was drinking or not, in recovery or not. I can tell you man to man this program works. Nothing changes overnight, as the disease didn't happen overnight. But if you try the program, keep going back to the face to face meetings, trust and accept the program at face value and keep and open mind your life will change for the better. Don't do it for you wife, do it for yourself. I promise you won't regret it. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Listen and learn from others who have or may still be walking in your shoes. No one will tell you what you should or should not do, only what worked for them.

Keep coming back to MIP, read prior posts on this site, research and educate yourself on the disease. But most of all know that even though the disease has taken a toll on you and your wife there is help. Your wife is seeking help and recovery, I hope you consider doing the same. I like you have been effected by my wife's drinking. My wife is going to do what she is going to do, drink or find recovery. What was important, what I was going to do? I had a choice, I could chose the life I was living, being consumed by her disease, angry and resentful, or could have chosen a proven and tested program that has worked for millions worldwide for over 50 years. I chose the later.

HUGS,
RLC

-- Edited by RLC on Monday 18th of April 2011 10:44:02 PM

flopadopilus · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome it sounds like you are in teh right place. Al-anon is not for your A = alcoholic, it's for you and I was and still am mad at times about having to deal with this insane and ugly disease! But since I started going to meetings my life starting making more sense than any indiviadual therapist ever had. I am hoping you are willing to be open to Al-anon and this MIP board which is very awesome! Keep coming back and thanks for your share.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Sisyphus and welcome to the board also. It seems you have found my diary and are going thru what I went thru when I first got into Al-Anon. The first time I "got into" Al-Anon wasn't the first time I stayed. I didn't hear anything nor did I try to understand anything. I was too angry for much the same reasons you state her and so after attending a couple "meetings" I blew the whole thing off and stayed home. I knew nothing about alcoholism and didn't know I didn't know including that I had been born and raised in the disease and had the compulsion and alergy myself. I tried a couple open AA meetings with my alcoholic wife and her sponsor also and did the same thing there. Understanding myself and alcoholism was something I needed very very badly and didn't know I did. I was very oppositional and defiant regarding the program including jealous that my wife would hang with them and attempt to stop drinking which suggested that I failed in trying to teach her how to and fix her when she got broken from it. It was only natural for her to come to me to ask me if I thought she was alcoholic and just as natural for me to adamantly say no to that question and so the disease started another run and we lost everything including our marriage.

It is mentioned in the program that the disease is progressive (in everyone it touches) and this is my experience because in the process of loosing it all I reached insanity and the solution of ending my life. Something at that point took over for me and today we talk about a power greater than ourselves doing that. It was a power greater than Jerry F that took over and I soon found myself at another Al-Anon meeting without any other possible solutions to hold me together. My wife continued to still drink and use and I couldn't even take care of my basic needs.

It was suggested to me that I do as many meetings as I could in the following 90 days which turned out to be 102+. That will indicate how big a problem the disease of alcoholism was and is. We had 439 meetings a month combined AA and Al-Anon so the problem was huge. I came in new...without any awarenesses at all and had no point of reference. I was given direction at my first ever meeting and it was mentioned in the closing statement of the procedure, "If you keep and open mind you will find help." All I needed was the willingess to show up and keep my mind open and that wasn't easy because I was very angry and resentful and she was so easy to blame for any and all problems. I could victimize her in a heartbeat and drunks are easy to do that to mainly for me they are so blatantly screwed up and acting the victim to her behaviors made me look like a martyr/saint in the making.

We only do this program one day at a time so I suggest you don't project or fortune tell about the "first" meeting...hang out here till that meeting starts and when it does be present there. Let go of the past...it's over and will be even more so when you learn what we have learned in Al-Anon. The past only helps when it teaches me to change myself today so I can have a better today. Can't do anything about the future either however if I work this program as best I can today...I've got a smile for my future.

There are guys on this board as you can see and for me I needed "guy" perspectives along with the women in Al-Anon who raised me. I read the guy input about as clearly as I can...cause I am one and listening to similarities has been a big part of my recovery.

Keep coming back. If you are really really pissed go find a safe place away from the alcoholic and all others cepting you HP and throw the best tantrum you can come up with and come back and read.

When is that first meeting again? In support (((hugs))) smile

danielle0516 · Senior Member

Welcome! I went through the exact same feelings you have described...it's like you went back a year and read my thoughts and feelings. I remember thinking: "well, there's nothing wrong with me, I'm just a victim of circumstance, who wouldn't do what I do, feel how I feel, in this situation, I just got unlucky!".

I resented the suggestions (from books, therapists) to go to alanon. I remember whining to my therapist: "WHY should I go!" "I'm not the sick one!". Well, if you could have seen me digging through the garbage and recycling cans like a mad woman on a rampage at 3:00 am in the morning barefoot in my pajamas in the pouring rain cursing to the world all because I wanted to find his bottles of booze - I think I would have looked like a crazy person to just about anyone.

If anyone would have seen me, yell and get angry for something unacceptable HE did, then 2 seconds later turn around and apologize for MY behavior, for my feelings, then justify my feelings, then take my feelings back and say I wasn't thinking straight, then 2 seconds after that yell at him some more for his behavior, then 2 seconds after that beg for his forgiveness and want him to convince me he loves me, then get mad at his answer, then slap him (something I never thought I would or could do in a million years!), then apologize, then storm away, then come running back wanting - needing - more.... I would have looked like a crazy person, or at least a very unhealthy one.

It took about a thousands of incidents similar to these and hundreds of fights, arguments, drunk incidents, ruined events, crushed emotions ect.. and a year later... to realize, I, me, I do NOT want to live like this. I do not want to feel like this. I have proven to myself a hundred times over that I cannot control or change my husband, despite years of dedicating myself to this task... I couldn't do it. But, I could fix me. I could do something about me, how I felt, how I acted.

I wanted to understand why I put up with this, I wanted to be happy. I did not want my life, my happiness, to be depended on what my husband was doing.

If you would have asked me before my life fell apart, back when we were happy together: "If your husband started lying about everything, hiding drinking, lost his job, starting sitting on the couch all day playing video games, quit caring about everything, turned into an immature, irresponsible child, had an emotional affair, took out a credit card behind your back and racked up thousands of dollars of debt then lied about that too, ect.... would you stay with him??"

I would have said "HELL NO".

Then why did I???

Your feelings and thoughts are typical, I certainly felt them. I resisted alanon because I felt I had given enough of my time to addiction, because I thought if only my husband didn't drink everything would be better. That's it - that's the solution! That's not true.

Drinking/using is only a small tiny part of addiction and the effects in has on the individual and the entire family system involved. Drinking is a symptom of addiction, among many others, most of which do not suddenly disappear along with the bottle.

I went to Alanon for a few weeks, then didn't come back for a year - in that year I lied to my self, told myself I was fine, we were fine, I wasn't like 'them' I did not want to be one of those people... I did not want that to be my life. On some levels I knew I was lying to myself, that I was in denial, but I still resisted. Finally I realized I needed help...and I chose recovery for ME. Not for him but myself. I've learned and realized that I was also very 'sick' in my own way... wheather I was always sick, or wheater it came about as a result of addiction, really doesn't matter..... I wanted to get better, feel better. I took a look back at my relationship history, my history of life in general.... and there are some patterns of behavior there, of people I was attracted to. I don't think I've ever been in a healthy relationship in my life. I never argued with friends because I never stood up for myself, I never got what I wanted because I didn't ask for it directly, I haven't had a healthy relationship because ?....

Alanon saved my sanity. Literally. The comfort you recieve just from knowing you're not alone, just from having people really understand what you're going through, how you feel, is a helpful beyond words.

I'm so grateful for this program and coming here, sticking with alanon, is the best decision I've ever made. hands down.

Best of luck to you... I hope you come back and choose recovery for yourself, you have nothing to lose.

Danielle

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

If you seriously want to support your wife find a few meetings for yourself , she is not the only one who has to change , you do too . Like it or not you have a part in this mess and until you figure out what that is nothing is going to change for you, your wife on the other hand is going to put herself in the care of AA she will change your choice is if you want to be a part of it . I was told yrs ago by an oldtimmer that an alcoholic dosent have a hope in hell of staying sober going home to an old idea ..we are the old idea . From my own experience the alcoholic is going to be full of guilt and shame and they dont need our anger to make things worse , I understand your anger been there myself but she will never truly understand how her behavior affected your life anymore than you will understand her need to drink , Al-Anons get us they understand . Support her efforts at sobreity by having your own program or ---

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

I know I felt similar many, many times when I first started the program.

Why do *I* have to go to meetings when the A is the one with the problem? Why can't he work on himself and fix this gigantic mess of which I was sure he was the sole creator?

When I started to learn more and more that Al-Anon was there for me, I realized the more I went, I was going for myself, not because of the alcoholic. I'd walk into those meetings and what was really a breath of fresh air was that I got to discuss what was going on with ME, not with the alcoholic. In fact, rarely did anyone mention the alcoholics. It was refreshing because it seemed like so much of my life outside of the meetings was spent wrapped up and focused all on what he was doing instead of what I needed.

When I got a sponsor and started working the steps, a slow shift started to occur that even outside of my Al-Anon meetings, my life stopped being wrapped up and focused on what the alcoholic was doing. In fact, I was actually starting to get to remember who I was before all the madness and started to become my own person again. Al-Anon gave me the tools I needed to recognize and stop the patterns that played in my relationship with the A that could potentially shift my focus back on him and his problems.

It's great that you're here. "It's a start", as you said. If I had any suggestions, it would be to get to some face-to-face meetings. Preferably at least six in as short a time-period as possible before you decide whether the meetings are for you or not.

For me, it was like walking into a safe place with loving, understanding people who all had this spectacular way of minding their own business but always being ready to lend a helping hand or ear whenever it was needed. I'm so grateful for Al-Anon and all its done for me. Hope you can experience something similar.

Ness · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Sisyphus...........welcome, youve found the board that saved my sanity and probably my life. I was definately off my rocker!

I felt the same as you but I kept coming back here as suggested, with an open mind, and I now go to face to face meetings. I took the spotlight off the alcoholic and turned it on me.....much was revealed and Ive been given valuable tools in the Alanon programme to find recovery FOR ME.

This link is not Alanon approved literature but I read this a lot & you may find it helpful............ http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

I also like the Alanon book Courage to Change.

As has been said already, give it a try....nothing to lose but lots to gain

In support

Ness

Sisyphus · Member

hotrod wrote:
Hi Sisyphus and Welcome

I do believe you have been given some fantastic responses from many MIP members,

I would just like to add, that your Log On name is a Mythological person who was forced to push a huge rock up a hill. When he reached the top it slipped back down to the bottom and he had to begin again This was his task for eternity!!

That is exactly how I felt while I was living with alcoholism WITHOUT THE ALANON TOOLS
Gives us a sincere effort You are worth it.

Thank you Hotrod...your name refers to....well....a hotrod I suppose smile

Thanks for the kind words. Thanks to everyone actually who has taken time to post. It is much appreciated.

CatJ · Newbie

That is so how I felt many years ago, I had been married to an A, and after 3 DUI's he HAD to seek help for the court system. Which turned out to be a blessing for him...I went to 2 maybe 3 al anon meetings. The 1st thing I asked them was how to make him quit drinking, they laughed and said that wasn't why they were there. I was so angry and annoyed, I stopped going because it wasn't me with the problem. Ha!! The joke was on me..Now after, and I can't remember for sure, 15 years, I found this site..What an eye opener! Wonderful wonderful wonderful!! I read and read on here and started going back to f2f meetings..Its taken that long to look at myself, its a little scary, but I'm also excited! Finally, I think I might be getting it! Thank you all for being here for me!
Cathy

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

I felt the exact same way as you did. It is so refreshing to see so many posts echo the same sentiments as was originally expressed. Keep coming back and posting. I am so glad you are here.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.