The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been having a hard time because I've been revisiting a place where my ex and I were very happy. It's hard not to fall into the old thinking, "If only I..." "I bet I could have made it work if..." "If I had just explained to him how his behavior made me feel..." "It was so good and now it's over..." The alcoholism, crazy behavior, and all the rest just melt out of the picture.
But last night I had a dream that I flew over to where he is and said, "I'm here! You know I adore you! Let's try again!" In the dream he was dressed very formally and I thought, "Gosh, he's not the laid-back guy I used to know." And he said, "The only reason I don't have any woman living with me now because I threw the last two women out because they were trying to tell me what to do, and you know how I hate that. So you better not start." I thought, "He's moved on and I haven't. He's not very welcoming. This is not going so well. I should just leave, this was a bad idea." And part of me thought, "I'll just sit down and explain how much I love him and how he's hurting me." And another part of me thought, "No, just leave now. You're just going down the path of trouble. Coming to see him was a big mistake, and the only way you can rectify that is just to leave again." And so I left.
So it's funny -- even my subconscious mind is telling me, "Are you crazy?! Don't you remember what it was like? Don't even go there! Don't romanticize it!" It's like every piece of me is fighting the unhealthy thoughts I keep tormenting myself with.
I feel surprised and reassured that I can trust my subconscious. I think it's talking to my HP and they're waiting for my conscious mind to stop the hijinks.
I can relate in a way to the remembering of the handful of good times and forgetting the rest. It's hard to let go. You're doing well and you are going to be ok.
Very powerful share and awareness. It is evident that you have worked hard and your sub conscious, deep within is able to speak to you and to HP. Your inner voice is your best guide.
My "automatic controlling thoughts" took time to catch up with my inner peace but I kept sharing about it and they did lift . They now circle about my head and I do not choose to bring them in ODAT
Thanks for sharing:) Very inspiring and full of awareness. Interesting dream...
It's interesting how we know what makes sense, what's logical, but, for me anyway, it's still never the default thought...it's the reasoning and logic that eventually get me there.. It's so easy to romanticize everything, to be selective in our memories and remember the good and how the bad, the horrible, is what I have to force myself to remember - to remember how crazy/awful/horrible/nightmarish it all was.
Nice to know that you caught your selective memory daydreaming.
I do think some of our dreams provide us important messages. I can recall at least 8 vivid dreams, filled with so much emotions, where the messages were quite evident. They all involved one aspect of my personality in conflict with another aspect. It was like an internal war.
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
I say that because I seldom remember my dreams and I had an odd one last night about coming home and finding my stove smashed to pieces, and my ABF sitting there seething with rage and also smashed. When I asked him what had happened to the stove, he snarled at me that "it fell".
In my dream I didn't react, I didn't argue -- I just said "Oh, okay".
I've been wondering if all my new peace and serenity that I've gleaned from the past 15 months in Al-Anon would fly right out the window if my ABF relapsed, as he has been sober for the same length of time and I haven't had to use my tools with a drunk ABF.
Now I think I was being given a message that I'll do just fine.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
This is an awesome share. I just this weekend spent some time with my exAH and romanticized myself about what could be, but the truth is I know what is, because he drank the whole time we spent together. Thank you for the reminder! It's easy for me to fall back into hold habits, but than I am not at peace within myself afterwards. I will have to take it to my HP again and not try to take it back from Him this time!
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
Aloha Mattie...Good post and growth. Learning about the subconscious in recovery was soooo helpful to me and I strive to learn more about it always because not only is it a source of entertainment at times it also teaches me about my perceptions from the past. Thanks ((((hugs))))
