The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So I decided to spend this evening at home alone. I just got home and called the A after work. Guess what?? Ugh, he sounded stoned stoned stoned!
I am so glad that I stuck to my guns and stayed home instead of dealing with that crap firsthand. Now I am hesitant to go over there tomorrow. I CANNOT stand this!
I am trying to keep an open mind and remember that tomorrow is not the same as today, but man it is really trying.
Just needed to vent. I am so boringly repetitive. There is a big difference between seeing and doing. Damn, I just wish I could be more motivated.
Ok. I cannot let this ruin my night. I just wish I could know this stuff in advance, big surprise lol. He shouldn't ask me to call under these circumstances. Either that or I should just know better.
I understand the frustration of doing the same thing over and over and being aware it is being done over and over, but still doing it! When I felt stuck in that rut, my counslor recommended I watch a movie called, "What the $&%$ Do We Know?". It explains it very well. We are repetitive because we have created real neurological patterns and pathways in doing what we do. The good news it that they can be undone, but it takes lots of practice and repetition to create new behaviors and pathways, and "undo" the old ones. The movie also highlighted the power of thoughts, both negative and positive. It was pretty facinating, and made me feel like not such a lost cause after all.
Your are Aware. That is the first step. You'll get it. Keep coming back!
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
I don't think your venting is being repetitive so much as it is healing! You need to get the thoughts out of your head in order to understand them better. Sometimes I feel like I am a broken record myself because I have the same complaints again and again and I still do the same things again and again. I enjoy reading other people's posts, even if it is repetitive because I do the same myself!!! Do something nice for yourself and just take tomorrow as it comes...
I will try and check out that movie. I can relate to what you say Loupiness because I learned in therapy about that neurological stuff and how it literally gets ingrained. I worked hard on my negative self image with the positive stuff and yes, you are right, it can be done.
And thanks Corgi2. One day at a time, eh? It is nice to be able to relate so closely as much as it sucks lol.
Great post. For me I do feel insane repeating my behaviour and thoughts around ALL of this. It is so frustrating. But I can see some real awareness in your post. Good for you and thanks for sharing! x
Our brain re-"minds" us of things... it thinks it is doing us a favor. The reason I keep up with regular meetings is because I need it to counter what my brain would ordinarily think... just exactly like the alcoholic/addict in our life... our brain is going to do what our brain is going to do!! We are alike in that, our brain is not our friend, hahaha. Once I see my inventory, I can begin to practice something different, with my Higher Powers help.
But, we don't stop until we're ready to stop. Period. We have an addiction too. We seem to get "something" out of the roller coaster ride, because we keep doing it.
I read somewhere the other day here, that alcoholics are the takers and we are the givers.... the problem with that unfinished thought is that it doesn't explain WHY we keep giving and giving and giving... in my case, until I was almost dead. It wasn't out of love, the way this statement would imply. It took inventory work to realize that my people-pleasing was actually SELF-SEEKING, I wanted him to love me, I wanted his validation. I was FEARFUL of not getting love from him, fearful I was not even worthy of love. I was DISHONEST with myself, the relationship hurt like hell, but I swept that thought under the rug, part of my denial. I was SELFISH... completely absorbed in self and self-reliance.... not relying on a Higher Power who might lead me down another path, no faith, no trust in my Higher Power whatsoever. For years and years and years. I could not get off that ride. You can see the part that I played in my marriage, I played a part in my own suffering!! Although, before I worked the steps, I believed I was sportin' a shiny halo over my head.
Al-anon and my Higher Power have changed me. We are on a spiritual journey. My actions are what makes the difference in my recovery. I love the steps, they move me into action.
You'll do something different, sweetie, when you're sick and tired of being sick and tired. Until then, be kind and loving to yourself for being where you're at. We all deserve that, despite our dis-ease. ((hugs))
-- Edited by glad lee on Saturday 16th of April 2011 08:48:52 AM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Hi, I wrote that the other day about us being givers. I think it is a universal truth about us, but it differs by the person. I was not raised in alcoholism. I was raised in the "church" (chose whatever church you like). I took what they taught to an extreme about being a giver. I was raised that to "give" to others was a form of godliness. Of course, I took it to the extreme and gave to my alcoholic way too much.... and of course, he didn't complain about it because he is a taker. I'm not blaming the church. That is just where my thoughts and beliefs came from when growing up... and I took me to the extreme when I was a grown person and made my choices about life. I also thought I was sportin' a shiny halo over my head..... sometimes it feels good to still feel that way.
My HP and Al-Anon have shown me a new way. I learned the 3 A's about Al-Anon. Awareness- Acceptance- and now Action. First I had to become aware... the first step. Then I had to Accept... the 4th step. And now I can have a new action about my life, knowing what I now know.
Thanks so much for the insights. It is very helpful for me to hear.
I was really struggling last night. It is so great to have people here who I can depend on.
I just want to add that I totally made the right decision. I got to read in bed, get a good nights sleep, and gain a new perspective on doing what I want to do.
Today is a new day. I feel much better about the whole thing. Every day really is a new beginning.
My gratitude is endless. Thank you all so much!
P.S. I'm still working at it, but at least I feel like I am moving ahead. Someday I will get there. My faith will pull me through. I love you guys!
