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as anybody experienced the silent treatment? is it a "normal" behavior for an alcoholic?
some days the AH talks non stop about Tv shows (yay!) and some days its complete silence. if i try to talk about hockey (big sport in canada) or kid or anything that might interest him i get silence. at first i resented it but now i detach myself. somebody told me its punishment. i know its avoidance and a coping mechanism.
what do you all think? because its in these times where i feel losing my sanity.
We talked about the silent treatment in an Al-Anon meeting this past week. I think it's a typical behavior on both sides - for both the alcoholic and the family members.
My AH doesn't do the silent treatment, but he sure does pretend there's no conflict. I'm actually the one that does the silent treatment. I used to go for days. Now I realize that what I'm not saying is every bit as hurtful as if I were screaming. I know that when I do this, I'm behaving in a sick fashion. It isn't the other person's fault that I can't or won't communicate. It isn't the other person's fault that I am acting childishly and immaturely. The silent treatment is a symptom of my sickness.
Hope this helps...while I'm not usually the one getting the silent treatment, I know that I'm very guilty of GIVING it at particular times. I'm working on it. Other people in my meeting mentioned that the silent treatment comes from both the alcoholic and the non-alcoholic. I think it's more of a symptom of a dysfunctional way of relating to others and a dysfunctional response to coflict than it is a personality trait of an alcoholic.
In any event, it's not your fault. Hand the responsibility for the behavior back to the person giving the silent treatment and go about your own business. It is not up to you to "fix" the situation. ;)
I think of the silent treatment as: 1. Passive agressive (indirect way of sending a message rather that straight out). 2. Controlling and manipulative
I hate the silent treatment. My parents used to practice it on each other and it caused such tension in the whole house and negative vibes for us children.
Yep... quite common, and I truly believe it is a control thing... they are trying to 'get into our heads', and without our own plan of recovery, they usually succeed!!
T
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I am getting the silent treatment today as well from my AH... Actually it has seemed to be all week. I asked him if he was mad at me for something and he just bit my head off saying it has been a bad week for him, yadda yadda and hung up. I hate how I let his moods affect me and bring me down... I don't know how to just ignore it and go about my day as if nothing is wrong in the house. I am hopeful that I can someday I can just worry about myself and be content as others are in Al Anon... So yes, I am totally relating right now.
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Roo
"The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears."
My ABF is in the habit of doing an abrupt withdrawal (like cancelling our plans for the evening and deciding to stay home alone) with silent treatment whenever I have attempted to address negative concerns in the relationship.
I've tried explaining to him that this "shut down" behaviour makes me feel punished for raising issues and basically stifles openness on my part. He minimizes the effect on me and denies that it hinders communication between us. He'll excuse his behaviour as him just suddenly deciding he was tired and wanting to stay home ("and what's wrong with wanting time to myself?"), not that it was a reaction to what I'd expressed. Hmph.
My therapist said it was passive-aggressive.
I learned to shift gears quickly -- use the time to get caught up on projects, go have coffee with a friend -- and not sit at home brooding and waiting for the phone to ring.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
What you are describing is very common. It's a form of bullying in my mind. It's designed to gather control. The common reaction is to create peace from our perspective so we eventually resist doing or saying anything to prevent another bout of nasty looks, hateful words, snubs, disgracing remarks, embarrassing situations, shouting, door slamming the list goes on and on.
Once you think about all the things we begin to avoid saying and doing to prevent those behaviors we've about pretty much turned ourselves into empty space. Since we both know that's no way to live know you have choices. You have the right to not attend every fight you are invited to. You have the right to say I'm sorry you feel that way, you have the right to begin to live your own life.
I've heard it said we teach others how to treat us. In other words if we allow it, it will continue. If we don't give the reaction they are looking for it loses the control they were searching for.
Find the Alanon meeting times and dates and attend, don't worry about being talked down to, being ignored or being left out there. In those group meetings you are acknowledge and encouraged. Things we have long since forgotten are gently given until you begin to remember you deserve better out of life.
Glad you posted, I look forward to hearing from you again.
I used to read a lot of verbal abuse books, and this one was one of the top offenders the books talked about. I used to internalize it, and it made me feel awful. It seemed the more I tried to talk, the more he would back away. It made me feel unloved and responsible for his not speaking to me.
Then I finally learned to ignore it. At first it was painful and awkward. Then after a while I welcomed it because it gave me a break from the madness. I don't have to deal with your crazies today??? Great! I would go to the bookstore or mall and look around. I would pull out movies I haven't watched and put them in my DVD. I would call friends and go out to their houses. I would get a great book and read. Basically, I would live. When he was ready to talk, it was as if nothing had happened. If I brought it up, he would tell me I was wrong, didn't know what I was talking about, and to top that deny the behavior even happened.
He still does it from time to time. The problem for him now is that I have found a life separate from his crazies and so now when he wants to get together to watch a show or do something, I mostly have plans already. I try to do it, but sorry to say I have developed a life without him. It's sad, but it is what it is. He says, "I know why you're turning to that show I like. It's to get rid of me so you can do what you want."
We do go out for dinner on Friday evenings, but that's about it. I think that was the whole issue, his trying to make me feel some responsibility for the way his life is turning out. I don't feel responsible for his behavior anymore. I don't take it personally anymore. It still bothers me from time to time, but as far as his not talking, that doesn't bother me anymore. Hang in there!!!
oh the silent treatment i remember it well , yrs ago I was talking about it in a meeting and after we closed a woman came over to me and asked if I had ever considered enjoying the silence ? I had to answer NO . she said well think about it he's not trying to pick a fight , not complaining about anything so she said turn up the music and dance ! I didnt literally pick up and dance but next time it happened I remember what she said and I asked him once if he was angry at me , if he says no then I leave the mood with him where it belongs and get on with my stuff. In sobriety my husb and I talked about it , he said when he drank he got depressed and it had nothing to do with me . go figure Hope this helps . Louise
