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My crazies. They are starting to kick in. I'm writing this out so I can see on the computer screen which is the least crazy option and maybe get some ESH from others.
My gut is screaming that my AH is lying, lying, lying. My gut knows AH is planning either to hook up with his affair partner or to hide out and drink (or both) rather than going to the movies with the kids and me. My urge to control the uncontrollable is coming on strong.
I can verify fairly easily if AH is lying. But, if I find the evidence (high probability I will), what will I do with it? How will it impact my serenity?
OR
I can mention my suspicions to my AH before he acts. I can let go and let my HP handle AH's reaction which may range from raging anger to child-like pouting. But, what if I am stopping something that might be part of HP's plan for my AH?
OR
I can choose to go on with my plans, not mention anything, and ignore my AH and my screaming gut. I can allow my HP to handle this. I can keep my nose out of this business. I can allow my AH to face his own consequences and go on with my life.
Option#1 is probably the most crazy. Option #2 seems the most honest. Option #3 is the most detached.
OK, HP, which direction do I go?
-- Edited by Very Very Tired on Friday 15th of April 2011 11:25:53 AM
Good for you! Hand it over and then don't take it back!
Whether another person is lying is between that person and their HP. My sponsor always tells me that if I need to know something, HP will reveal it to me without me having to go snooping. Otherwise, when I let myself go snoop, I let myself get sick and relapse. I know this to be true. I have physical reactions to snooping - heart racing, stomach upset, tunnel vision ... just like it was a physical substance I was abusing. No bueno.
Hang in - good for you for pulling out your recovery toolbox and selecting a useful tool.
Thank you, White Rabbit. That is exactly what I needed to hear!
Snooping is part of my "disease." When I relapse, I have the exact physical reactions you described: heart racing to the point I think it will pop out of my chest (I can't imagine what my blood pressure is at that point!), stomach upset to the point of sometimes gagging, and definitely tunnel vision to a dangerous point, especially if I am driving, hands shaking, head throbbing. Not to mention what my relapse does to my kids: they get a shell of a mom who is hardly functional.
"If I need to know something, HP will reveal it to me without me having to go snooping." --I like that!
Oh, man I TOTALLY understand the physical symptom stuff you describe. I forgot about the shaking hands thing. It's actually pretty scary if you think about it, that just a behavior that we engage in that doesn't even involve chemicals can create such a crazy and uncontrollable physical response.
And I've found that there's a kind of "craving" behavior there for me, too - like, the more I snoop, the more I want to snoop. If I snoop and don't find anything, I don't feel better. I assume it's because I haven't looked hard enough or in the right places. So instead of letting it go, I find more places to dig and get more and more psycho with each one. If I do find something, I feel even more physically ill and then convince myself that I should've known all along. Either way, whether I find something or don't, snooping makes me want to continue snooping. It's just better that I don't start in the first place.
White Rabbit, right again! The more I snoop, the more I want to snoop. And I'm not satisfied. I have to check one more thing. It is exactly as you described: a craving. AH craves his alcohol. I crave my adrenaline fix of proof that my AH lies. And when I find something, I get to prance around wearing my "holier-than-thou-see-I'm-right" badge.
The interesting thing is that my AH is more transparent when I snoop less.
Otie, sometimes I have to see my words written out before I "know." Thanks.
Note to self: Self, you are married to an addict. Addicts lie. It is part of the disease. Accept it. This is what is.
-- Edited by Very Very Tired on Friday 15th of April 2011 12:15:55 PM
In my thoughts, the only real answer, that maintains your credibility and self-esteem, is option #3....
#2, although honest, seems almost impossible to do.... "honey, I think you are going to be an ass tonight?" - lol....
I just don't quite see how anything but #3 can work well.... (said from someone who has tried both #1, and #2, many times over - all with zero success!)
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Totally your call, and it sounds like you've come to your answer... I know for myself, I would hope and strive for option #3.
I've also tried option 1 and 2 countless time with no success. I've also chosen option 3 and found it got easier with time and practice. It was also option 3 that always left me feeling more at peace and the least amount of crazy.
Option 1: if he's like my AH (who is now in sober living after rehab and 60+ days sober) , anyway, if he is like most A's, when confronted with option 1 (sleuthing proof, snooping suspicions) you will get lies and justifications followed by more lies. If there is irrefutable 'evidence' you may get an admission, but, followed by justifications having nothing to do with drinking and perhaps blaming you... leaving you feeling crazy (and unsuccessful).
Option 2: you will get lies lies and lies. Again, leaving you feeling crazy.
Option 3: you enjoy your evening and leave your husb to his business, to handle his own crap.
I know all too well that feeling you get when snooping. Uncontrollable urges to snoop, snoop more, snoop harder, be smarter, find passwords, can't stop... heart racing, pounding in your chest, tunnel vision, world fades to black, sweating, anxiety...it's never enough. It's awful! ugg... I'm remembering how bad I was, I spend hundreds, maybe thousands, of dollars on spy software, there was always something more, some secret agent trick I had yet to discover... none of it did any good. I was addicted.
Yeah, and don't forget, when confronted with their lies, not only do you get more lies...you get the situation turned around on you. My exabf liked to say "you're playing the victim again, Sandra."
My exabf hung out with his exgf behind my back...contacted her, when he had told me he wasn't...hooked up with her when I broke up with him over cocaine, I mean, he hooked up with her the NEXT DAY.
Then decided he wanted to be with me in a month and a half.
I took him back -BIG MISTAKE. I wish I never did. I found out months later, by SNOOPING, about the IMs they had exchanged while he was telling me they were incommunicado with each other. I also found out about him going to the bar with her.
She's a pothead who he called "crazy", a "loser"..etc.
Now that we are broken up for good, guess who he's hanging out with now?
I was right about him the whole time-I knew in my gut what was going on--it made me feel insane to have him deny it the hwole time. then when I found out the truth, he tried to blame me. Told me I made such a big deal out of her, that it's no wonder he hooked up with her.
Can you believe that? I only made a "big deal" out of her, because she was sending him sexy photos.
I swear, these alcoholics are stunted. It's like they're stuck in adolescence.
danielle0516 wrote:
Totally your call, and it sounds like you've come to your answer... I know for myself, I would hope and strive for option #3.
I've also tried option 1 and 2 countless time with no success. I've also chosen option 3 and found it got easier with time and practice. It was also option 3 that always left me feeling more at peace and the least amount of crazy.
Option 1: if he's like my AH (who is now in sober living after rehab and 60+ days sober) , anyway, if he is like most A's, when confronted with option 1 (sleuthing proof, snooping suspicions) you will get lies and justifications followed by more lies. If there is irrefutable 'evidence' you may get an admission, but, followed by justifications having nothing to do with drinking and perhaps blaming you... leaving you feeling crazy (and unsuccessful).
Option 2: you will get lies lies and lies. Again, leaving you feeling crazy.
Option 3: you enjoy your evening and leave your husb to his business, to handle his own crap.
I know all too well that feeling you get when snooping. Uncontrollable urges to snoop, snoop more, snoop harder, be smarter, find passwords, can't stop... heart racing, pounding in your chest, tunnel vision, world fades to black, sweating, anxiety...it's never enough. It's awful! ugg... I'm remembering how bad I was, I spend hundreds, maybe thousands, of dollars on spy software, there was always something more, some secret agent trick I had yet to discover... none of it did any good. I was addicted.
Totally agree with everyone. I am famous for snooping....cell phone, computer, etc. My attitude now is if he wants to run to another woman, let him. He will be out on his own so fast he won't know what hit him. I actually left my ABF alone yesterday, went to bed without calling him and wouldn't you know? I got a text to say good night sweetheart. I didn't get it until this morning and still haven't responded. I love him dearly, but I have my life to live and my kiddos to be a good mom to. For once I am taking care of myself. If he comes back to me at the beginning of May like he says he will, then we will see where life leads us. If not, well, at least I know I am healthy and happy.
Note to self: Self, you are married to an addict. Addicts lie. It is part of the disease. Accept it. This is what is.
You don't HAVE to accept it if you don't want. Why would you want to stay married to someone you know is cheating? I think that giving HP all the control over what lies you learn about is a bit dangerous-- what if you wind up with an STD bc of the indiscretions of your H's that HP doesn't let you know about?
There are times that giving up control to the HP makes sense. Health, financies and safety don't fall into that category for me.
I think that you have every right to set a boundary stating what you will and won't live with and make it clear that it's about YOUR peace- not what he needs to do or not do- just what you do and don't find acceptable (I don't think al anon tells us we must find a way to make the unacceptable acceptable-- my mil has done this and is a HUGE enabling martyr who contributed as much if not more to my AH's illness as his AF did). Set a boundary and then follow through if you want to.
If you can live peacefully (which it sounds like you can't- and I wouldn't be able to either) with knowing about his constant lying even if there's no "proof", it might be time to spend time apart or at least say clearly what is and is not acceptable to you. You have that right!
They are starting to kick in. I'm writing this out so I can see on the computer screen which is the least crazy option and maybe get some ESH from others.