The material presented
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i know it was just unfortunate timing but i need to transition to a new sponsor, my f2f won't be back til the end of the month and even then she is retiring from service work for a while at least. a bunch of crisis stuff happened literally just a day after she left for vacation and is unreachable. i am not doing well, but my daughter is doing worse. she has her therapist and that is ALL we have. our car broke down, i don't have money to even have it looked at. so no more f2f meetings. my one friend's car broke down 2 weeks ago, we had been using my car. we can't even get a ride to church. i have emails and phone calls all over town, it is really odd, not one person is answering - going on two weeks now! i know how to find resources and i don't know why but it feels like me and my girl are stuck in a blackhole of no support at the moment.
can anyone here be my temporary sponsor? i don't need advice. i just need help holding on at times. i thought i was ok today but then my girl cried for 2 hours before bed and nothing is helping her at all, even her therapist is at a loss. losing her A-father-figure is having results none of us could have predicted. i can't find any answers in any typical book or website or even the therapist, she's stumped other than to say my girl needs to be watched for mental illness just in case. she's already acting as if she has either PTSD or severe depression, but it's only been 3 weeks of such extreme symptoms so it's all "wait wait wait." her biodad has a history of heavy drug use in his 20s, he was clean when i met him, bipolar disorder and ADHD. a letter from the ex-A-stepdad didn't help, she said she felt better until the next morning and then she got radically worse. she started letting a big girl hurt her on the bus and didn't tell anyone, she's been home sick for 2 days, injured badly. i'm on antidepressants as a precaution since i hit such a big patch of stress all at one time. no therapist available for me now, the one i had just transferred away Friday, and no new ones so no new clients. i had pneumonia for 3 weeks then just got diagnosed with pericarditis last Friday. got it confirmed today and have to be on prednisone for a while.
i'd say this would be a great script for a soap opera or a movie because it seems so surreal! i don't understand how the ex-A's leaving could affect us so very badly. i don't think he understood either. i thought his leaving quickly might be better than dragging it out, but my girl only understands one thing: she wants him and was used to seeing him nearly every day and he never said anything resembling goodbye to her. she will NOT believe anyone who talks to her. her therapist keeps saying "you're doing fantastic" and that makes me feel like screaming because if i'm doing any good at all, why did my daughter just cry for 2 solid hours tonight, why does she wake up screaming so often?? she's afraid of everything and everyone except me and her therapist. i'm sleeping from 6 to 7:15 a.m. my dr. prescribed a med to help and i ended up jittery (abreaction) for days.
i don't even know what i'm asking for. i just keep praying and all i hear in response is "ask." but what if that's just my imagination?
Raven, I would research grief and loss. That seems to be the issue at hand. Also, don't pathologize her too much. It's normal for her to be missing her daddy and to be confused and sad. Her crying like that is very troubling to you I am sure, but it's really not that unusual given the circumstance of her missing the person she considers dad. Stay strong and keep showing her the love you have and both of you will be okay. Sad times lead to happier times. Also, some of what you are going through is pretty extreme with the end of a long term relationship. Focusing on your daughter only and her therapeutic needs may be short changing you. I had to go through lots of therapy at the end of my 7 year relationship with my ex alcoholic partner. Some times our life issues are outside the scope of the program or need extra attention...not to say you shouldn't find a new sponsor too.
Hi Purpleraven, Grief and loss is overwhelming and follows its path. My experience of it is that it was like a tunnel that I went through in my own time in my own way, and feeling the feelings was so important and expressing my grief helped me move through it. I found that when I was crying and talking about my feelings after my marriage broke down it could leave other people feeling uncomfortable and powerless, in that they felt they had to do something to remove my distress and stop me crying, but actually my therapist told me that feeling the feelings and letting them out by crying helped move me through the "grief tunnel" to light at the other end, and the thing I found most helpful was being able to simply express how I felt and cry without someone trying to fix it. It sounds like you are both feeling enormous grief and shock over the loss you are experiencing. I find it very hard to ask for help but find this forum a wonderful place to be able to get my feelings out and receive support and friendship at times when I'm not able to talk with or meet with my sponsor, or get to a meeting.
something is very wrong in my life. i have been praying and living one day at a time, working the steps, and doing other useful and good things. i haven't been harming anyone.
my car died today, at a store far away from my home. i got a taxi home. it's not something that can be fixed by me, i'd need at least $800. so that's it for the car, it's gone, and i have literally less than ten dollars. no milk, none of my meds. i have one friend, his car is also broken and he is also disabled. ironically me and my daughter were going to visit a new friend tomorrow at her farm!
my girl was a wreck before. now i can't stop crying and we cried together until she fell asleep. if i try to think past going to bed tonight, i can feel a panic attack starting. i just got diagnosed with pericarditis and the dr. said to lie down if my heartrate goes up, i'm supposed to start new meds (that i can't pick up). i can't pick up my meds for seizure disorder either. i don't know what's going to happen. i can't think about anything but laying down later tonight!
i don't get it. prayer works, i've seen it!* i have always been able to get through tough times because i can *see* just past those tough times. no matter how dim. *i can't even see tomorrow morning.* i will miss court on Tues. which means i "forfeit" to my ex-husband and i don't know what that will mean. i'm calling her guardian ad litem tomorrow morning to ask.
it's my fault for moving to such a tiny little town in the mountains. i thought it would be a good place to raise my daughter, and i had a car at that time. my ex-husband took the car one night (his name was also on it) and fled to another state, i couldn't even afford to sue him over the payments i'd made after the divorce. then it got repo'd when he missed payments. by that time my ex-A-boyfriend was fully in my life and drove us where we needed to go, or got things to bring to us, then he gave me the car. i've written here what happened to the ex-A.
i feel such anger in my heart toward the HP. before i felt like it was just "tests" and i was passing them even if it was very difficult. but this isn't a test, it is literally a finality. no car, no buses, no money for taxi, no nothing. we have housing plus electricity, which is a huge blessing. after that, nothing. (yes, i have called everywhere and everyone and tried everything already. i had found the few resources available and was making the best of it. there are far less resources available now.)
prayer doesn't always work. neither does leading a good life. i'll pray tonight but it feels like going through the motions. i can share my E and even my S but, no H.
-- Edited by purpleraven on Sunday 17th of April 2011 08:40:37 PM
