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I am working hard on not verbally bashing my husband. I do not do it intentionally, but sometimes even the truth sounds so bad that I cant seem to sugar coat it to make sense. I wish I had some 1-liners to make it sound better or get out of providing an answer.
This situation is gettign to the point that people are making little jokes to me about him. I dont know how to say he's home without my friends responding on how hard it must be for me and then joking him. Sometimes I sound like a martyr when I state the things I do and what he doesnt (maybe I do, but it is unintentional). That prompts the little remarks. So weird but I get a little peeved at the remarks.
When I did my first 4th and 5th step, I discovered how much negativity I brought into my relationships with other people because of my tendency to tell 10 of my closest friends everything about my AH. They knew everything he did (with my negative spin on it), and they formed opinions about him and stopped liking him. I couldn't understand why - they barely ever even had any interaction with him. I discovered that for me, the answer to this was to simply stop talking about him. I had to cut off talking about other people entirely because it was really a problem for me. I also had to tell the friends that I'd previously gossiped to that I did not want to gossip anymore, and that I would no longer be participating in talking about others behind their backs.
Now, when something bothers me about my AH's behavior, I discuss it only with my sponsor. In my recovery, I have discovered that my AH's behavior is HIS behavior and not mine to discuss. His recovery is also his to discuss.
My relationship with most of my friends is better now that I don't gossip anymore. I have become more of the kind of friend I would want to have - the kind my friends can actually trust.
Just my experience - it may not be applicable at all to your situation. Take what you like and leave the rest. :)
I shadow White Rabbit in saying I was my own worst enemy. I talked badly about my AH to all my friends, than I would defend him because they had a bad attitude towards him. I made myself a martyr and it wasn't good. I am still working on not bashing him to my friends any longer. Since I have moved out I can see the damage that I have done. I am trying not to even say his name theses days especially if my kids are around. I used to get so mad and angry and would blow up for years. I finally realized that opened things up in my ex AH's mind to turn it all around on me. It took some counseling to stop raging at him early in our relationship. I had a gossip problem, because I didn't want to stop and focus on my long list of problems. I have cut out my distractions and am working on myself and am better for it everyday. I just read last night in the book "Getting Them Sober" about just this issue also. Take it to your HP when you are so mad, He can handle it and try to Let Go anad Let God! Take what you like and leavew the rest here also! Take care of you!
__________________
God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
This has and is one of my short comings too. I used to tell my family and friends everything that was happening and then wondered why they disliked my ABF. Since joining al anon I do not do this as much, I am still not perfect. Today I speak to al anon members about stuff relating to my boyfriend or I come on here. i do on occassion let some stuff slip to relatives or friends but I have to remember they are not on a programme and do not understand it is a dsiease therefore they judge. then when my anger and resentment passess I m left with the consequences of my actions to face when people are turning on the person I love. awareness is the first step progress not perfection.
Speaking negatively about others to others backfires on us. I think it must be one of those universal laws that most of us have to learn the hard way.
The past year, I've refrained for the most part from gossiping and I feel SO MUCH BETTER! Not always easy to do! Sometimes, I have to literally bite my tongue. I find that some of my friends are a little uncomfortable with the new me. But they are adjusting.
again GREAT post.
__________________
You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
The easiest way to stop that kind of thing is to stop telling them what is going on in your home , talk to Al-Anon members not only do they understand but they keep the info to themselves , anonymity rules .. what worked for me was if someone asked why my husb isnt with me or what is he doing , I learned to simply say I dont know why he isnt here why dont you ask him next time you see him . it works conversation is over . good luck Louise
Wow. I would've had a hard time with that. If I didn't talk to ANYONE about my exabf's behavior, I would've gone crazy. In fact, I did go a little crazy.
I guess you can always talk to your therapist.
White Rabbit wrote:
I think I can relate.
When I did my first 4th and 5th step, I discovered how much negativity I brought into my relationships with other people because of my tendency to tell 10 of my closest friends everything about my AH. They knew everything he did (with my negative spin on it), and they formed opinions about him and stopped liking him. I couldn't understand why - they barely ever even had any interaction with him. I discovered that for me, the answer to this was to simply stop talking about him. I had to cut off talking about other people entirely because it was really a problem for me. I also had to tell the friends that I'd previously gossiped to that I did not want to gossip anymore, and that I would no longer be participating in talking about others behind their backs.
Now, when something bothers me about my AH's behavior, I discuss it only with my sponsor. In my recovery, I have discovered that my AH's behavior is HIS behavior and not mine to discuss. His recovery is also his to discuss.
My relationship with most of my friends is better now that I don't gossip anymore. I have become more of the kind of friend I would want to have - the kind my friends can actually trust.
Just my experience - it may not be applicable at all to your situation. Take what you like and leave the rest. :)
The problem is exactly that - I was completely nuts. I went crazy talking about him - obsessing about what he was doing and why. It completely dominated my thoughts, and I didn't have room to think about the things I needed to think about - including my own needs. I don't know how my friends put up with me, since when I opened my mouth the only thing that ever came out was about him. I was certainly crazy, but the craziness was because I was obsessed with something I couldn't control.
When I quit talking about him and what he was doing and theorizing about why, I had a lot more time to focus on my own recovery. That's when the miracles started happening.
drummerchick423 wrote:
Wow. I would've had a hard time with that. If I didn't talk to ANYONE about my exabf's behavior, I would've gone crazy. In fact, I did go a little crazy.
I guess you can always talk to your therapist.
White Rabbit wrote:
I think I can relate.
When I did my first 4th and 5th step, I discovered how much negativity I brought into my relationships with other people because of my tendency to tell 10 of my closest friends everything about my AH. They knew everything he did (with my negative spin on it), and they formed opinions about him and stopped liking him. I couldn't understand why - they barely ever even had any interaction with him. I discovered that for me, the answer to this was to simply stop talking about him. I had to cut off talking about other people entirely because it was really a problem for me. I also had to tell the friends that I'd previously gossiped to that I did not want to gossip anymore, and that I would no longer be participating in talking about others behind their backs.
Now, when something bothers me about my AH's behavior, I discuss it only with my sponsor. In my recovery, I have discovered that my AH's behavior is HIS behavior and not mine to discuss. His recovery is also his to discuss.
My relationship with most of my friends is better now that I don't gossip anymore. I have become more of the kind of friend I would want to have - the kind my friends can actually trust.
Just my experience - it may not be applicable at all to your situation. Take what you like and leave the rest. :)
