Drinking, Cheating, & Moving On - Al-Anon Family Group

Aimee · Veteran Member

Drinking, Cheating, & Moving On

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Aimee ya know everyone is different. Sometimes there are things that happen that we just cannot accept, and things ever be ok or ez.

For me, I know darn well I would NOT be able to be around her, or ever have to speak to her. Did she know he was married?

For me to accept her is to ok what they did. To me it was a very mortal sin kinda thing.

Maybe in time, things would change inside me. If she asked me to forgive her, I would. If there was a private conversation, and I felt better that might help. BUT not for a long time.

Also for me it would depend on the A's attitude. I know someone this happened to and the other spouse got an std. Another one, the guy is affected forever from an std he got.

Its a matter of life and death. Also in my experience, once someone goes over the line, whats to stop them from doing it again? Myself as soon as I learned AH had cheated, I filed for divorce.

What do we have left that is ours? Nothing is precious to him. That is MY view.

Just be careful! I do know it does change things, just does.

You can do your best to be civil. But "To Thine Own Self be True." hugs honey,debilyn

flopadopilus · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi there, I am glad you are trying to work it out after your AH came clean. I stayed with my A before we were married through a couple times he had cheated and he came clean and I forgave him. I however knew 1 of the girls and I had a harder time being around her at all. I was unsure if she knew that he told me, but we lived in a small town and I had to run into her more than I wanted. Honestly over time I forgave her anyway, realizing it wasn't hurting her only myself holding onto resentments. In time it got less awkward and I moved past it. Some things truly need time. Try to Let Go and Let God. I have learned to hand things over to my HP that make me feel bitterness or any uneasy feelings. Keep working your Al-anon program and take things one day at a time.

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi I came to al anon because my partner was ungaithful during one of his drinking missions. the pain was to much for me to handle and we seperated in time i to came to the realisation you have it was not about me the guilt I saw him go through he hated himself enough. After a while we got back together but I already had doubts as to weather he had been unfaithful with a friend of mine he kept telling me how uncomfortable he was around her. I fell out with my friends and used that as an excuse to end the friendship for good she had flirted with another partner of mine in the past and I did not trust her. My partner has never admitted that anything happened between them but did say she was trying to come on to him. My partner is sick ad I understand when he is active his actions are not that of the man who loves me. However Today I matter and if he is unfaithful again I will not stay as I derserve better. I am lucky today my partner is sober and I do believe that his is faithful but when actively drinking I can not trust him. As for the friend she has tried to contact me abd I will not have people in my life today who I do not like or trust, it i my job to take care of me.

Aimee · Veteran Member

Thank you Debilyn, Flop, and Tracy. :)

To answer a question from Debilyn, yes she knew he was married and said straight out to him "I want to xxxx you" This girl is messed up. She is also now pregnant from a one night stand.( not my H, thank god!! And he's been checked for STD's and is clean) Totally messed up. That's why I don't feel like I need to go after her or confront her, it's obvious she is already paying for her bad choices, and that's enough for me.

Neither her or my brother-in-law know that I know and I feel like my motivations for telling them are only to try and break them up so I don't have to ever face her again. I'm trying not to manipulate people to do what I want them to do, that is big part of my co-dependancy behavior and I'm trying be concious of this.

Thank you so much!
~Aimee

david62 · ~*Service Worker*~

I had the opportunity one night...outside my Al-Anon meeting (of about a month), which met in the same building as the AA meeting my wife at the time attended, to stand 3 feet in front of the person she was cheating on me with.

It took everything in me not to beat this little twerp to a pulp. I didn't. And I am so glad I didn't now.

The thing I figured out early on that helped me in regards to him is that it wasn't him I needed to hold responsible for my wife cheating or for my pain. That was all her's to own (the cheating) and mine to own (the pain). Would I sit and have a pleasant conversation with him or any of the other men my wife slept with during our marriage? I don't think I have grown that much yet . smile

But I have stopped playing the tapes in my head where I don't pass up the opportunity to inflict some amount of hurt on them, or even my ex wife, to try to even up the score for the unbelievable amount of pain I allowed others to cause in me.

David

Aimee · Veteran Member

Thank you David! That helps alot!

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

That's an interesting question -- why you're okay being around him and not around her. Like all the emotion about it gets displaced onto her. I don't know what the answer is! But hugs.

Very Very Tired · Senior Member

Infidelity is my AH's other drug of choice. Twice, he has chosen someone we know.

The best I have been able to accomplish with the first woman is indifference. There are moments when the anger is overwhelming. I try to imagine she is a beer can--which, essentially, she is. She is another way for my AH to self-medicate and avoid facing reality. What finally helped was when I realized how sick she really is. Believe it or not, it was a texted conversation I had with this woman that convinced me I needed help. I saw my co-dependence reflected in her. It truly was an "OMG, she is me" moment. I found a shred of an ounce of empathy. Keep in mind, it took me over a year to get to that point.

The second woman was my BFF. Upon discovery, she immediately ended the affair and began making amends to me. It is amazing what a difference it makes to hear someone who has wronged you, say, "I'm sorry. What do you need from me?" And she has been true to those words. Her simple gestures and genuine remorse has made all the difference in my recovery.

-- Edited by Very Very Tired on Wednesday 13th of April 2011 08:43:59 AM

Aimee · Veteran Member

Thank you Tired!

Mattie, you make a great point.
My AH actually made the same point to me when we were talking about it. I was going on about "how could someone be so disgusting to sleep with a married man?" and about how she is a terrible person, and he pointed out that if she's an evil person then so is he because he did the same thing. In that moment I was blown away. Thinking about it from that perspective is where I began to look at her in a different way and when I began to be able to let my anger towards her go.
I guess the difference is I don't love her, I don't have 12 years of marriage with her, and I don't have any reason to forgive her. Except that it will make me feel like I have grown if someday I can tolerate being in the same place as her. I know that will take time, just being with my brother-in-law right now and hear him talk about her makes me feel edgy. When or if the time comes where I can let it go I think that will feel pretty amazing. :)

~Aimee

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

The best answer is to live in today. You are happy today. The marriage works today. Don't think about what he did in the past and don't think about what you did either. She does not have to have any bearing on your current state of mind. Just someone your husband messed around with a while ago...might as well have been before you met...if you both decided it doesn't affect your relationship today, that is how I would look at it.

Aimee · Veteran Member

Great advice Pink! Living in the present, one day at a time, and not worrying about something that hasn't happened yet. That's my goal, for sure!

~Aimee

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

aimee, being a Health major I must remind you this. STD's may not show for a long time!

Not all are detectable yet. Plus for me, if they do it once they will do it again. I hope you can protect yourself.

If I were you I would beef up my body. Build up the immune system. You can search natural immune system herbs, foods, suppliments.

I sure hope the baby is not his.

Aimee when I say if you choose to stay the relationship will not be the same. BUT I do know people where it was better! My best friend forgave her husband. I rarely have seen a better marriage.

He is A also. But does not use, hasn't for geez 30 years. They are special people too.

Forgiving does great things for us too. I can tell you, if my ex AH was still him I mean not brain damaged and mean, wet brained, I would love to have him and I live together. I forgave him a long time ago. The disease is so strong, plus he is damaged.

Anyway whatever you decide I know you can make it ok. I am here for you.

Shame on that gal. rrrrrrrRRRRRRRR hugs honey, debilyn

Aimee · Veteran Member

Wise words, Debilyn. Of course I would expect no less from you :)

AH is going back for a repeat HIV test this week and had the entire STD panel the first time, so far so good. UG scary stuff. I never thought this was something I would have to worry about.

Thanks again for all the great words of wisdom :)

~Aimee

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