Their mind games are just astonishing, aren't they?  I bet every single one of us has been the target of them.  "I am completely fine; you're just delusional."  My exAH suggested that I just get some alcohol-testing kits so I could test him whenever I wanted and see that he wasn't drinking.  This showed the extent of his denial because if I had been insane enough to do that, there's no way they would have shown he hadn't been drinking.  The state mandated that he have a breathalyzer on his car, and a whole lot of days he "decided" he'd just walk someplace.  So that was a reality check even if I hadn't known he was an alcoholic.  But also, the insanity of thinking that daily alcohol checks is a way to run a marriage!  Crazy.

The fact is that even if someone isn't an addict, that doesn't mean they're healthy enough to be in a relationship.  Someone who isn't together enough to have water, stove, electricity, transportation, and handle his taxes is not on top of his life, whether or not he has an addiction.  (Though I'd usually suspect that addiction would have a big part in it.)  My exAH also had and has a completely chaotic life.  It just goes past him that some people don't live like that.  And that it would be healthier not to live like that.  Their reality is so distorted.

So glad your reality is more realistic!  Stick to your guns and don't let his distortions keep you from taking good care of yourself and your kids.

Kath, I can still remember sooooo many years ago the A telling me I was crazy. It bothered me so much that I was shopping and lost it, called my counselor from the store phone and asked him if I was crazy.

Been here long enough to have seen 100's of people come on MIP and share they A calls them crazy! It's a total manipulation bomb.

Means nothing, I like the sick, sick, sick, on their foreheads, and knowing they are insane, that nothing they say when they are using means anything. Just stinky wind. NOT that I like them to be sick, not AT ALL, just a tool for me to not play into the bs.

Its his diseased brain talking remember. I would not bother to answer the phone or anything to the A.Its not really him anyway.

GREAT for you for protecting those kids! And thank HP that you are one of the wise ones who does not allow them to be influenced by the A! (not saying ones who do have kids with their a's are not wise) If a person can get the kid or kids away, the ones who do are wise.

We cannot respond to insanity, there is no such thing as a constructive communication with a lot of A's. Its insane to try. Why bother. You shared you are not in control, you know that, so what makes you think you have to respond or read his insanity or hear it?

What makes you pay attention to it when it is very clear all it does is pull you down?

I invite you to read this below again, and again.

"All I know is that I am feeling so much better away from his chaos. I cannot function at all when I am around him. I freeze up and I am unable to be myself."

Your kiddos feel the same and maybe worse when he is acting out. They can feel their home is calmer, that you are protecting them, that you are strong.  They want it to always be like that. No surprises, mom is happy, house is calm, clean, full of their needs being met.

I am soooo glad you came here. Soooo much progress. maybe you just need to let it out to solidify what you really feel.

7 kids? Would LOVE to have a web cam to see that! I am so jealous!

love,debilyn

"

 

One thing I learned is that I can't argue with my exabf.

It's like we were speaking 2 different languages, and when he would excuse away his drinking, or minimize the effects it had on me, I knew it was his disease talking.

Trust your instincts but even better, TRUST YOUR EXPERIENCES.

I went through some horrible situations because of my exabf's drinking.

I don't care how many times he could try to tell me, "but..I'm only 27..I am just getting the partying out of my system.." He could use any excuse in the book, at this point, and I will STILL stick to my boundary..I will NOT ever put myself in the situations his drinking put me in AGAIN. EVER.

I'm sure he could argue he's not an alcoholic because he doesn't drink every day. Or because he can keep his job. Or because of this or that or bla bla.

Does the definition even matter?

The fact is, he's disrespected me, lied, manipulated me, gotten me into physically situations, verbally abused me when drunk...all kinds of things that I simply will not tolerate anymore.

Seems ot me that arguing with an alcoholic is pointless. If I were you, I'd ignore it. On another forum I belong to, we call it "quacking." Just think of it as "quacking", that's what I did after a while.

 

 

Aloha Kath...just pulled out the lessons for me stuff from your post which worked and still do.  The opposite of anger is acceptance...Not acceptance of the morality of a thing just the fact of it.  When I accept the fact of it and accept that I am powerless over it I can do anything else.

The opposite of fear for me is love.  When I learned to love my alcoholic unconditionally there was nothing about her that could disturb me or make me fearful. I had nothing to fight.  Fear cannot exist where love is.  The opposite is also true.  I choose love and letting go.

Some of the stuff you are dealing with is the lack of self esteem and self love...You have arrived at times at self doubt.  When I was there I use to ask others for their honest feed back about me and what I say and what I do...I knew they loved me and would not harm me...they would respond with care for me in mind and tell me the truth.  It was a workable humble lesson.

Not reacting is a magical artform for me...when something happens that use to trigger a reaction I pause for 3 seconds or more and take a quiet look at it and then decide how I want to respond or even should I.  I get self control back rather than turn it over to others who are not qualified.  Reacting is one of the negative characteristics of the enabler and one of the things I used to always make situations worse for me.

"Don't React" still is one of the most valuable gem slogans my sponsor ever gave me.  Just love it.   Practice, practice, practice.    ((((hugs))))