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Post Info TOPIC: husband was sober for 4yrs now drinking
chastine


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husband was sober for 4yrs now drinking
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My husband Joshua and I have been married for 4 1/2 years. Before we got married he had just started recovery and he was doing really well. We had delt with all our issues about him lying to me about drinking and all the hurtful things that went along with his drinking. We were GREAT. We got married when I was 19 and he was 20, it was November 2006. I got pregnant in January and we had our first daughter in September 2007. He was going to meetings every night and we had a great circle of AA friends. His sponsor was amazing and is our daughters "Grandpa". He was there for her birth when my husband was out to sea. He will always be a part of our lives.


In October 2010 we got re-stationed overseas to Sicily, Italy. I thought this was going to be the best time of our lives. We are going to see the world together. Our daughters will learn Italian. Recently, my husband has decided that he is no longer an alcoholic. He says he was just young and stupid. He had worked through the 12 steps and all his earlier problems were solved so drinking wouldn't revolve around that any longer. He thinks he can drink responsibly. So he asked me if it would be ok for him to drink again. I told him I didnt want him to. I balled my eyes out. He has had 4 1/2 years sober and now he wanted to throw it all away.. So I told him to think about it longer, we were about to have our second daughter and I didn't want him drinking at least until after she was born. (I didn't want him drinking at all but I didn't think I could stop him, at least with out him lying about it). But he kept pushing the issue. pushing. pushing. pushing.. I gave in.

The first night he drank he told me he was going to have a glass of wine. One glass turned into the whole bottle (his excuse was he didn't want to waste the rest). Later that week we were invited to a BBQ at a friends house. We didn't drive so he wanted to drink. He told me again he was just going to drink some wine. In front of me that is all he had. I later found out that he was drinking jaggier bombs. I didn't find this out until the next weekend when we had a BBQ at our house and people brought over drinks. I thought he only had one glass of wine with dinner and a beer. He was so drunk that night I knew he had had more. He lied straight to my face but I asked his friend what he was drinking and he told me (not knowing my husband was trying to lie to me) that he had been drinking out side with the guys while my friend and I were inside with my daughter. I confronted him, he told me to leave him alone, so I did. I went in my daughters room to sleep on the floor next to her. He told me he was going to drive to his work and sleep there  (DRUNK) if I didn't get back in bed, me sleeping in the bed was more important to him than driving drunk and possibly dying or killing someone else.. So I locked him in our bed room (we have old fashioned doors with skeleton keys that you can only lock with a key on either side). The next day he told me he wouldn't drink anymore because we were more important. Later that day not drinking anymore turned into I will only have one drink from now on. So I stupidly agreed.

Two weeks ago, we had pizza from the pizzaria down the street. You have to go order it then wait and bring it home. He came home with our pizza, the first words out of his mouth were slurred. I immediately asked him if he was drinking, but in my head I was thinking I was crazy because he was only gone for 15-20 minutes, how can he of drank in that amount of time. I was freaking out all night, we even yelled at the dinner table in front of our 3 year old. He kept saying no I didn't drink all I did was go get the pizza. So I believed him.. I knew in my head something was wrong, why would he be slurring his words and acting drunk if he didn't drink.. I didn't get it. I felt stupid. I had our second daughter a few nights after this.

Two nights ago. My husband and I were going to watch a movie and eat a Conoli after dinner. I was really excited. But he got a phone call from a friend (I really like this friend, he is a good guy and wouldn't let him drink if he knew my husband had a problem), he wanted to go out and watch a band play. My husband said he would drive and wasnt going to drink. I couldnt go because obviously we have two children, one of which who I am exclusively breast feeding and is only two weeks old. I trusted he wasnt going to drink. He left at about 8:30 and came home around 1:45am. I woke when he got home and asked if he drank, he said no. I asked if the other guys drank, he said yes. I asked if they asked him to drink, he said yes but only once then they didnt ask again.

Last night. We had went to Taormina to see the Greek Amphitheater with his friend that he went out with the night before, we had a really good time and we back at about 1pm. He got a letter in the mail that needed to be translated so he brought it over to his friends house, he said he would only be gone about 30 minutes.. 2 hours later I was out side and I see him walking home but in the opposite direction that his friend lives. I ask him why he came from the other direction and he had no answer. I asked him again and he told me a stupid lie that he was looking for a new home for our dog that he hates. I had told him before that I wouldnt allow him to give our dog away so why would he be looking for a home for her, and why would he be looking down the road for a new home for her if he cant even speak Italian to ask anyone if they wanted our dog.. It was the stupidest lie yet. I told him he could think of something better, but he better just tell me the truth.. I was livid. I yet again yelled at him in front of our daughter demanding the truth.. He was slurring his words again and acting weird, so I asked him if he had been drinking at his friends house and he said no. I asked for his phone and texted his friend asking him if they were drinking.. No reply. He called my husband later but I couldnt here what he was saying.. I asked my husband and told me all he said was he was running when he got my text and couldnt reply. I continued to freak out on him (sending my daughter to her room to play). He denied every bit. He still couldnt tell me why he came from the other direction.

I put my oldest to bed then i went up to bed too and he stayed down stairs for a while longer. While he was down stairs I get a Facebook Message from his friend saying he was sorry for not texting back because he WAS running and yes he did have a beer when he was over. I started crying, he had lied to me again.. Was I surprised.. No. but it still hurts. He came to bed and I asked him two more times to tell me the truth. He said no I wasnt drinking. So I showed him the message and he had to confess. I asked him if he drank the night before too and he said yes he did. He had two beers and he was buzzed when he drove home. I asked him if I had felt the way he did last night would he have let/wanted me to drive. He said NO. L He also told me he went to the bar after he left his friends and bought a beer (bars in Italy arent like American bars they are coffee houses but they have a cold fridge with beer and sodas in them). He also told me that the night he went to get pizza he had went to the bar and got a beer.

I dont know what to do. He tells me he wants to make it right and not drink anymore because like before we are more important than alcohol..



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Mattie


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I am so glad you have found us on these boards.  I don't know if Italy has any Al-Anon face-to-face meetings but if so I'd urge you to go to those too -- there's nothing like a network of local support.  There are also online meetings here.

I'm also so sorry you're going through this.  All of us on these boards know what it's like.  There are many, many people who've gone on to lead wonderful lives, so do know that it's very possible.  I had to unlearn a lot of my assumptions about alcoholism along the way, though!

Al-Anon has the "three C's": you didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it.  That's tragic -- if we could cure it, we would!  But it's also liberating -- nothing you could do makes you responsible for his drinking.  You can't cause him to drink just as you can't stop him from drinking. So monitoring his alcohol, talking to him, extracting promises -- none of it makes any difference.  I tried to keep tabs on my husband's drinking, his friends tried to -- it doesn't matter.  Alcoholism makes them masters of secrecy and deception.  They can be there all evening looking as if they're not drinking and still manage to get drunk.  They go to the bathroom and have one of those little airline bottles in their pocket and glug it down.  Or they have bottles of alcohol hidden around the house and yard.  My husband did all of these things and many more.  No one on earth could have kept track of him.  They even manage to get alcohol into rehab centers -- if they can do that, you know they can get it anywhere.  So no need to worry about you or his friends monitoring his drinking -- it can't make any difference.

I venture to say that most of us have had that feeling of "How could he choose alcohol over us?"  Sometimes they even choose alcohol over their own lives.  The truth is that the alcohol causes insanity.  They are predisposed to it -- probably by genetics plus certain kinds of dysfunction and trigger events in their lives -- and once they start, it grabs hold of their brain.  They're no longer thinking straight.  No amount of reasoning with them will make any difference.  The alcohol protects itself -- it keeps them from seeing how bad the problem is.  Any sane person would stop as soon as things started getting out of hand.  So you can see that he's not sane.    Also, they swear they'll stop and it's easy and it's all under control -- because they believe it.  They just don't get the scale of the problem. 

As your husband has been in recovery before, he knows what needs to be done to get back into recovery.  It's AA and/or an intensive recovery/rehab program.  If he's sincere, he'll go straight to AA.  My husband had a lot of talk about how he was fine.  I wish I had watched his walk instead of his talk (as they say).  What he does is more important than what he says.

But Al-Anon says, "He's either going to drink or he's not going to drink -- what are you going to do?"  We don't realize it, but the alcoholism sucks us into the insanity too.  We need our own program of recovery, which helps us to lead good and happy lives regardless of what state the alcoholic is in.  Going to meetings is a good start, getting a sponsor is a wonderful way to progress.  Learn all you can about alcoholism from reading these boards and books.  The book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews has helped many people.

I hope you will take care of yourself and your precious children and keep coming back. Hugs to you.



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Debilyn


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It is good you found Al Anon. Is there a place for meetings there? There is lots of literature for you to read that will help you. "Getting Them Sober" By Toby Rice Drews is one I alway suggest. I accidently found it years ago. It helped me so very much.

An addict is very sick. Believe me he knows what he is doing.Being in recovery that long, he has so much knowledge. But sadly the disease is very strong. Most A's believe their lives, the honestly do. It's a kind of denial.

In Al Anon we learn their drinking is none of our business. As you have learned Hon, nothing you do is going to stop him. He has to figure it out for himself. He knows he needs AA, but right now the disease has him. Usually it takes some very hard truths they finally face to get them to have the real desire to walk back to getting in recovery. NOTHING we do will lead them there.

Imagine how you would feel if you stopped policing him. If you let it go. Its not your problem anymore. You can then think about your precious kids. I know from experience when you are nursing a tiny baby, you both NEED to be comfortable and focusing on that. That time is so precious, goes so fast, you cannot get it back. I would hate to think a disease is taking that away from you.

It is very sad honey. I hope you will cont. with Al Anon. I loved my AH very much too. He also relapsed after years of strong recovery. I learned from Al Anon to love him, and his disease was not mine. I learned to go to another room if he was too much to be around. Not to punish him, he never really caught on. I just watched tv in the other room, or read or whatever. With your kids you could take naps with the kids, read to them, whatever.

His life and decisions are his own. I know what he does affects you. But many times we an learn to be ok with a using A, many times we cannot then we have to decide what we choose to do.If we can let go of their business, build our own life it is better.

Living with an A is not like living with a non A. I learned to protect me. Put money away, nothing in my name with him, a plan in case I needed to leave.

A's who are using usually, drive drunk, get dui's, lose jobs, lose homes, don't pay bills, get injured. etc. the disease gets worse and worse. Hopefully with his AA tools he will find himself walking back there again.

I hope this helps some.

please keep coming back, it will help sooo much in ways you cannot imagine.Learning the steps, learning facts about the disease, letting go, will free you.

Italy....ah I am so jealous! My daughter is heading there someday with her kiddo to get her masters in fine art.

Beautiful place hugs, debilyn



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maresie


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I was definitely very committed to an alcholic/addict for many years.  This morning I read a letter I sent to him a few years ago.  Coming across it quite by chance I can see all my remonstrating.  I couldn't get the disease back them.  I remonstrated, cajoled, begged, pleaded and more.  Most of all I resented and raged at him.

 

I'm so glad you are here.  I came here years ago at my lowest ebb I had no where to turn.  I did not know what to do but I knew I was full to the brim of toxic emotions and ambivalence.

 

Al anon can certainy help you.  There are meetings here.  Whatever time they are at some time I hope you can make them.  There is also a chat room where you can go to take refuge and always someone to give an ear.

I read through the archives here and saw recovery happen to other people.  Whatever your husband does or doesn't do you can recover.

I look forward to getting to know you.

 

Maresie.



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maresie
pinkchip


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This sounds like a pretty standard relapse for a young alcoholic. I think you have good suggestions from those above here. I understand the fears you have...He's playing with fire and there's not much you can do but try and detach to take care of your children and be strong on your own.

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Jerry F


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Aloha Chastine and welcome to the board.  That's a relapse story...classic and I'm not even looking at his part.  You're getting the past back in spades and he will continue to drink as long as he stays unwilling to face up to his own relapse.  "He" is an alcoholic...compulsion to drink with an allergy.  He is obsessessed with it and it owns him.  Good that you have found MIP so that you can break the ownership it has over your.  Alcoholism affects everyone it comes in contact with.  You're qualified to be here.  This is what worked for me...find the hotline number for Al-Anon or Al-Anon Family Groups in the telephone where you are at or find the link to Al-Anon WSO (World Service Organization) and find the meetings in your area.  There are over 25000 meeting all over the world so you are not alone.  When you find the meeting go as quickly as you can and find your own chair...the literature table...and listen to the fellowship share with you what it was like for them, what happened and what it is like now.  Keep coming back here also.  You might also want to check with personal services on the base too.  Alcoholism in the services is a given...I know that one from experience myself.

In support (((((hugs))))) smile



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drummerchick423


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I have friends in the program (AA), and they have a saying, "relapse is a part of recovery."

This is so common...an alcoholic who's been in recovery and working the steps, has been sober for a while. Forgetting everything he had to do to GET to that point in the first place, he decides, "hey, I've been doing pretty well. I think I can have a drink now."

The big book even talks about this-it's such a common self-deception.

Who knows why it happens?

I do know, I have AA friends who suffered relapses, and fortunately, they had a long period of sobriety leading up to the relapse, so they remember what it felt like to be sober.

In some ways, I think it's harder to get sober the 1st time, maybe a bit easier the 2nd (and sometimes 3rd time.)

It sounds like he at least has the intention to make your family a priority-maybe on some level he realizes what he did.

Go to al-anon if you can. That's really the only thing you can control right now. If I were you, I'd be supportive of him as possible getting back into his program, but be careful not to lapse into codependent behaviors.

I'm sorry-I know this has to be a scary, frustrating time for you. Take comfort in your own program...that's all you can do.

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pinkchip


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The more common saying is "Relapse is optional." Most people do not like that "Relapse is a part of recovery" line. It is too often used as an excuse to go out and drink and some people don't make it back. The most common obstacles to lasting sobriety would be youth, wealth, and health. After some of those things start to go due to drinking...the person will often make their way back to the program.

Not that it would cause a relapse, but I am wondering if some of this is not feuled by marrying and settling down at such a young age. Wonder if he thinks he should be partying like other 21 year olds instead of being a responsible husband and father. Not a good excuse but could be a factor.

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maryjane


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Hi, In all of this, what I have learned about alcoholics is that they live their own lives no matter who else is in them. He is finding excuses for drinking. Any excuse will do. He will drink if the Yankees win, if they lose, or if they don't play. Stop thinking that it is because of you. He has a genetic disease that only he can take care of. You can't make it more comfortable for him. That is out of your control.
He tells you he wants to make it right. He tells you he doesn't want to drink anymore. What he says doesn't matter. What he does is what matters. What the actions tell you is what you make your decisions about. You can decide to live "around" it. You can decide to not live with it at all. What you decide is all up to you. One of the ladies in my AlAnon group decided that for the times that he drinks, he may not come home. She also has young kids and doesn't want them to see daddy like that. It works for her. He had a hard time with it at first, but after she called his friends and told them that "for tonight he may not come home so you take him" happened a couple of time, he learned to just not come home. Once she couldn't get ahold of anyone, so she dropped him off at a motel to sleep it off. So, she knew she couldn't change him, but she also knew that she couldn't live with it. I think she is very smart.
Another thing I wanted to tell you is that AA ruins their drinking. They know too much. Before AA they can use all the excuses they want. After hearing what they hear in their meetings they have to awaken from their drinking time and live with what they now know. My hubby went to AA to make himself look good to the judge. He didn't believe that he belonged there, but went anyway. He also relapsed with some bottles of vodka. Luckily he still hadn't had his court date, so he still had to quit again to look good for the judge. After that I stopped watching. I don't know if he has had any more. He also had some time with "medicine" that would sedate. It was "medicine" so it was okay. Whatever!! It was more addiction for someone who has a genetic disease for addiction.
So now, the quiestion is, what are we going to do? Not, what are we going to do about it....because we are powerless. But, what are we going to do? Uh, raise my kids, clean the house, go to work, play, do my hobbies, volunteer at the zoo, play the piano, do dishes, watch a movie, etc.

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maryjane
drummerchick423


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The ones I know who have said "relapse is a part of recovery", are people in AA who've experienced a relapse.
Perhaps they need to say it, in order to experience self-forgiveness, so they don't get caught up in that treadmill of self-hatred that helped keep them sick in the first place.
If you ask me, what you're suggesting as a reason for his relapse, sounds like just an excuse to justify drinking.
I know with my qualifier-my exabf-he often said "well I'm only 23, I gotta get the partying out of my system"...well, now he's 27 and still doing it. So...when does it stop??
His age is just a rationalization. What's driving him to drink, as I've seen for 3.5 years, is a deep burning self-hatred, anger and resentment over not being understood as a child (he had ADHD and ended up in boarding school and many "wilderness camp" type places because his parents didn't know how to handle him.)
Seems to me the roots of alcoholism run a lot deeper than "I never got a chance to sow my wild oats."
pinkchip wrote:

The more common saying is "Relapse is optional." Most people do not like that "Relapse is a part of recovery" line. It is too often used as an excuse to go out and drink and some people don't make it back. The most common obstacles to lasting sobriety would be youth, wealth, and health. After some of those things start to go due to drinking...the person will often make their way back to the program.

Not that it would cause a relapse, but I am wondering if some of this is not feuled by marrying and settling down at such a young age. Wonder if he thinks he should be partying like other 21 year olds instead of being a responsible husband and father. Not a good excuse but could be a factor.

 

 



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drummerchick423


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You are so right about the excuses. My exabf, when we were first together, said he went to the bars because he wanted to get away from the house where he lived-he said he hated it. well, he moved out of that place 2 yrs ago and guess what? he's stil drinking.
There've been tons of other excuses the last 3.5 yrs. I'm just done with it.
Also, good anecdote about that woman - however, I gotta say, if it were me..I wouldn't even drop his butt off at a motel.
I'd let HIM figure out where he was going to sleep and make his own arrangements.
That smacks to me of just a modified form of codependency. Good for saying, not in my house, but helping him make alternative arrangements is once again not letting him experience the consequences of his decision, IMO.
maryjane wrote:

Hi, In all of this, what I have learned about alcoholics is that they live their own lives no matter who else is in them. He is finding excuses for drinking. Any excuse will do. He will drink if the Yankees win, if they lose, or if they don't play. Stop thinking that it is because of you. He has a genetic disease that only he can take care of. You can't make it more comfortable for him. That is out of your control.
He tells you he wants to make it right. He tells you he doesn't want to drink anymore. What he says doesn't matter. What he does is what matters. What the actions tell you is what you make your decisions about. You can decide to live "around" it. You can decide to not live with it at all. What you decide is all up to you. One of the ladies in my AlAnon group decided that for the times that he drinks, he may not come home. She also has young kids and doesn't want them to see daddy like that. It works for her. He had a hard time with it at first, but after she called his friends and told them that "for tonight he may not come home so you take him" happened a couple of time, he learned to just not come home. Once she couldn't get ahold of anyone, so she dropped him off at a motel to sleep it off. So, she knew she couldn't change him, but she also knew that she couldn't live with it. I think she is very smart.
Another thing I wanted to tell you is that AA ruins their drinking. They know too much. Before AA they can use all the excuses they want. After hearing what they hear in their meetings they have to awaken from their drinking time and live with what they now know. My hubby went to AA to make himself look good to the judge. He didn't believe that he belonged there, but went anyway. He also relapsed with some bottles of vodka. Luckily he still hadn't had his court date, so he still had to quit again to look good for the judge. After that I stopped watching. I don't know if he has had any more. He also had some time with "medicine" that would sedate. It was "medicine" so it was okay. Whatever!! It was more addiction for someone who has a genetic disease for addiction.
So now, the quiestion is, what are we going to do? Not, what are we going to do about it....because we are powerless. But, what are we going to do? Uh, raise my kids, clean the house, go to work, play, do my hobbies, volunteer at the zoo, play the piano, do dishes, watch a movie, etc.

 

 



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suave75


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When I met my fiance he was in recovery. I remember the rationalizations. I remember the first glass of wine. He relaspsed and it was hell. I feel your pain. Today he has a lttle over 90 days. He is in AA and I am in Alanon.

I remember the obsession over he drinking ang drug use. I was angry anxious and worried all the tme.



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pinkchip


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In the end...the alcoholic drinks because they want to and they are an alcoholic. It is that simple. Sure there are factors, but they really just complicate the most simple answer. Oh...and the "sewing my wild oats" thing...I never said it was a valid excuse...I think it's a lame excuse. Only pointed out that it could be part of his messed up thinking but who knows. There is no rational reason for an alcoholic to relapse. I think we all agree on that.

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chastine


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Thank you for all your responses. They help just knowing ppl care. My husband has come clean to his old sponsor back where we used to live (because he doesn't have one here yet), and also called and told his mom. I think that is a good start, and hopefully will put his mind in the right place. He went to a meeting last night too. there are only meetings 3 times a week here with the same 2-3 other ppl two of which are husband and wife and are moving in june and the other on is young and struggling with staying sober himself. I am very worried about him not having enough meetings right now but there is nothing he can do about that except do online meetings. do those help? we do have a phone to be able to call ppl in the states and skype, so he has been calling his friends from the meetings where we used to live. I really hope he can stay clean. I miss "MY" husband :/

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