"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

panic

Otie · Senior Member

Dear Tracy, Controlled breathing helps the actual panic attack to fade away.

Here is how it works:

1. In a comfortable, neutral position--take in a very deep breath and hold it

2. Slowly release the air by counting "thousand one"., "thousand two", "thousand three", .....as far as you can go before inhaling again.

3. Repeat above steps again until panic feeling subsides.

The panic you describe, the shaking, sweating, impending doom, etc......is the body's natural reaction to the brain's perception of danger (the fight or flight reaction). It will recede and fade away with the CONTROLLED breathing technique.

As a matter of fact, the more you take proactive control for you own life, the less panic you should feel.

You can't control what your ex does---no matter how unfair it feels to you. Reach out for the friends that will help you (like on this board) and connect with your HP***.

Respectfully, Otie.

The panic

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Not a weakness to need help during crisis... I had to go on anti-depressants for a short time during the worst period.... it was explained to me that I had 'situational depression'....

Take care of you

Tom

-- Edited by canadianguy on Sunday 10th of April 2011 12:37:29 PM

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I felt so bonded with the ex A. I had many many nights when I felt absolutely sick to my stomach about how little he gave me. I also know that living with him was like having ptsd. I never knew from one moment to the next what disaster he was going to bring in the door.

Detaching was so very hard for me. Some days I could do it one moment at a time, some days I could not. I know that I had to let go. I had to pray and ask for help. I'm so glad you are reaching out to take care of you. You are so worth it.

Maresie.

drummerchick423 · Senior Member

I am still in this detachment process. Intellectually, my mind is telling me, life wasn't so great with him, why on earth would you miss him this much? But the heart has to feel what it's going to feel, I guess until time begins to heal it.

maresie wrote:

I felt so bonded with the ex A. I had many many nights when I felt absolutely sick to my stomach about how little he gave me. I also know that living with him was like having ptsd. I never knew from one moment to the next what disaster he was going to bring in the door.
Detaching was so very hard for me. Some days I could do it one moment at a time, some days I could not. I know that I had to let go. I had to pray and ask for help. I'm so glad you are reaching out to take care of you. You are so worth it.

Maresie.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Tracy)))) when I went thru that myself in early recovery I was told that it was very similar to a withdrawal attack that alcoholics and addicts go thru when separated from their drink/drug of choice. I came to understand; for me, that it was true and one of my early sponsors taught me an adjusted perspective that worked wonders for me. When I was thinking that "I can't" do this (moving on without may alcoholic/addict) he asked me to see it that "I won't" do it. It wasn't that I couldn't. I was able to move on like others had. I was refusing to move on because I was addicted and wanted my fix. I was refusing and needing what was broken like when a mother sews a piece of an old blanket on to a new blanket so that the child can have security in what's familiar and get back to sleep or quiet. That's how it was for me until I learned to let my alcoholic go and substitute her with an even Higher Power.

The feelings and thoughts and actions suck!! I know. I hated the panic attacks and then they were gone. There is no magic wand for me other than working the program and letting go of fear.

(((((hugs))))) smile

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I have felt this sort of panic too. I read that we're given the capacity for this kind of panic because when we're very young, if our parent leaves us, we may die. So we feel terror if they're gone, to give us motivation to do anything to get them back.

The difference is that when we're grown up we're entirely capable of taking care of ourselves (even if it doesn't feel like that). The person is not our parent and we're not three years old.

The person also isn't our HP, although I tried to make mine into my HP. If it could have been done by sheer will-power, manipulation, and intensity, I would have done it!

Reading about how these emotions developed helped me understand that I shouldn't take their cries of "Panic!" so seriously. I hope you can take good care of yourself. Hugs.

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

I have TOTALLY been there and understand this horrible anxiety/fear/uncontrollable panic. I had it many times when my AH was out and I couldn't reach him - didn't know whether to be scared or angry or call jails or hospitals, etc. I felt like after all I had done for him, he could at least answer the phone - but he didn't. Gosh, I can remember that feeling so vividly. A therapist explained it to me as PTSD, like another poster said. It is very real, and very scary.

I had to see a therapist and get on some medication short term while things were at their worst because I was having panic attacks at work. I couldn't take care of myself and my children. Turns out I just needed them short term. There is no shame at all in asking for help when you need it.

Prayers,

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Tracy...it's going to be okay. Your world is just changing too fast and it's not what you want. You are developing some signs of major depression and serious anxiety though and I would follow up with your doctor. I have been thrown for loops in terms of my mental health when hit with break ups that were unexpected and such. I have felt that sense of dread and raw pain over it being unfair and also thinking that I was going to share a life with someone only to see it all go to pot. Fortunately, this has now happened enough times to me for me to grow strong and I finally took enough time living on my own to know that no partner makes or breaks me. It was the hardest lesson I have ever learned in my life.

You are going to be okay Tracy. Otie gave you great suggestions for managing panic. You are not alone and, as wrong as it feels that this relationship might be ending, you will grow strong again. THIS TOO SHALL PASS. Believe it.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((Tracy))))) I am so sorry you feel so crummy. I know so well that feeling. I ended up having a thought that the A cannot give me what I want anyway.

I am sure just talk or a letter or whatever thing would help you. For me I wanted my sweet husband back in the pod with me. For me though, his brain was damaged, the damage killed the man I knew.

Tracy I know from not long ago how HORRIBLE it feels. I do wish so badly I could come over, get you out of bed and take you to the doctor.

I tried to bare it, accepted I felt bad, tried to take care of me. Just couldn't. So for me I faced I needed help thats when I went on my antideppresant years ago.

Thank goodness I did as it got me thru so so many years of pain.

Tried to go off and bam! so so sosick and sad again.

Again trying to get thru it.But couldn't. Friend got me to doc, took care of me a week or so coming over, taking me to eat, helping me move.I thought about ok its a tiny tiny bit better. I leaned into the sadness and pain. felt it, took naps.

moved my body ,as little as it did, was enough.Accepting the pain, starvation, dehydration, then did my best to do as much as I could. Then one day I woke up and felt a little happy.

Now am back to myself.

Its ok to ask for help. All I could say to my doc was I am sick. No explanations, no why, or how did you get here, I am sick.

It does hurt to have our loved one pulled from us.Loss is horrible. And it hurts to feel thrown away. I likened it to my arm being cut off. Now we know to have it put on for a little while then taken off is not going to do us any good. WE know we have to live with out it, relearn our life.

The talk in our heads has HUGE power. I read your post again. For me i had to change to, I will get better, I can get better. I am ok.

As u work on this, not believing it much at first either, over time you will heal.

Remember, most A's are selfish.He has NO Idea what to do. I had to tell mine to please just hold me. Or hon would you just listen, you don't have to do anything. even non A men, in my experience freak becuz they think they have to fix everything, and what if they don't know how?

Keep coming here, let it out. Its is a huge painful loss. For me it hurt so dang much I have been alone again with out a mate, for years!When I lost my first husband to death I was alone 18 years! It frigging hurts!

If you can, I tell ya telling people helped me. I would come right out and say, I have a broken heart. It is a very real physical injury! People get very sick and some even die.

I hope you choose to get your sweet self well. We all care about you so much. You can get better! love,deb

ps its ok to ask for what you need want! YOu can do that here too!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"