The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
so my A is 7 months sober and really working on himself. we are having a break to concentrate on our recoveries. I am really battling with resentments, its so hard. My A loves me I know this but my needs have have gone unmet for so long. I am meeting my own needs as best I can but I desire a partner who is supportive , helps out financually etc. Due to being in early sobriety he can not give this to me, he is doing his best. I am just so tired I love him so much but the ife I desire I can not have with him today or i the near future. He can not be around me at the mo because this has been coming out in my behavior. The disease is still attacking us so I have to accpet he can not give me what i need and make achoice. Do I stay and work my programme hoping as he gets further and further into recover things will keep improving. Or I leave and moveo with my life, the thought of loosing him hurts so much. I hate this disease. Thay say you should love and accpet someone for how they are and not how you want them to be. I do love my partner but I am tired of struggling its been 6 years. I m 41 and I thik if I get out now once i heal I can develop anew life I do not want to be 50 60 tinking I hould have left stil waiting for him to become a true partner. but we have cone so far and things are a lot better than they used to be. Its hard for me to identify with shares of this stage at meetigs as lots of people have left the A or are still living with active drinking. Any ESH gratefully appreciated. hugs
I here you Tracy. Only you can make the right choice for yourself. Although I for one wish I was in a situation with so few strings attached. I'm pretty well stuck where I am at least for the next few years. Leaving means leaving my daughter with someone ill equipped to care for her and ruining myself financially as my wife hardly works and will get a hugh settlement and child support in a divorce right now. You must find a way to be happy and contented in your life, so make the choices that give you that. If that means staying or leaving so be it.
I am sort of experiencing the same type of thing right now, as far as age and deciding for my future. Of course my situation is a bit different with someone who is not interested in any type of recovery (he's a smoker).
I try to do the pro and con list and it's pretty pathetic I love being with him, but we haven't grown at all in 2 years. I am 40 years old and, like you, do not want to invest my "still good" years into waiting for something that will never come. I would like someone to spend my later years with as well.
I don't know. It's a hard one. The more I am learning, the easier it is to see the path I need to take. I guess you will know what is right for you. We can't tell the future. Everything is a risk, no?
Like mjh says, you must find a way to be happy and contented. Yeah...
Hi Tracey. It is good you are thinking about this now. I haven't left my AH, mainly because he hasn't worked for years and I would have to support him - and I simply cannot afford to run 2 homes. Also, as his health has got worse and worse (he is only just out of hospital for the umpteenth time), he is dependant on me physically as well as financially. All I am saying is; you have to assess your life and what you want from it and then make your decision.
(((hugs)))
Tish
-- Edited by Tattyhead on Saturday 9th of April 2011 08:48:37 AM
If I knew what I now know at your age, I would focus on my relationship with myself and the God of my understanding. I did not seriously begin doing that until "after" my divorce. I dabbled in the pursuit prior to my divorce, but my focus was mainly on getting him to change so that we could be happy. Futile to try to change others; I see that so clearly now.
I'm just now beginning to feel what it's like knowing that my happiness is not dependent upon what others do. I used to look to my ex-AH for my happiness. I waited and waited for him to turn a new leaf. I kept telling myself that IF he stopped drinking, IF he spent more time with me, IF we worked together as true partners, IF, IF, and more IFs'....................... Then, and only then would I be happy and feel secure. I'm realizing now that all those things would have been wonderful. But the reality of it all is I didn't need him to feel happy or have a sense of security that we all desire.
I'm finding security in my relationship with the God of my understanding and the knowing that I'm quite capable of taking care of my own needs/wants and quite capable of creating a new life for myself after 36 years of marriage ONE DAY AT A TIME.
I've learned to stop thinking so much on things and learning to feel my way through life situations. If things feel right, I go with them; if not, I know it's not right for me.
__________________
You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
I agree that happiness is a inside job. I too thought I needed this or that from my A to be happy. ..your post made something occur to me.
First, let me say my A is now sober oing on 7 yrs. Second, he lives in Alaska (job) and I live on the Gulf Coast. He's been there for over 6 yrs. I'm not getting the things I used to think I needed. The distance makes it impossible for me to demand attention. I only get to see him about 5x a year.
Guess what? We're both doing great because we both feel whole again through much work and understnding. It's not easy, I miss him terribly. The difference is, I'm not empty because of it. He's very loving and considerate BUT If I REALLY needed everything I thought I did from him, I'd be in trouble because he's not here to give it. It's true, it's a inside job.
Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Hi this is a first for me. but my hp says write it so here goes. I am 40 years old.Ive been involved with 12 step meeting Off and on since I got drunk and was raped by 6 illegal immagrents under the Sarita bridge in Riviera,Texas the nite of my 18th birthday.although I got a lot out of the rec,prog I was in, I knew from day one I was not going to quit dinking. why would I? my family had already informed me, Im a alcoholic"like my dad,and would always b a alcoloic, ao why the hell would I stop??? neway back 2 acceptance.2 this day I can remeber something a "old timer"(50 yrs clean)gave some "feedback to a girl struggling with accepting.of all I heard in that 6month program that I completed was the hrase "acceptance does not mean approval"we r not asked to like nor dislike,agree nor disagree ,,hate r love the "unacceptable" only to acknowledge that it happen, then "build a bridge and get over it. i wuz,,it did, it will not nemore, done,gone,bah!!!! in a nutshell? Acceptance is Not approval !
