Sick AH and Guilty me - Al-Anon Family Group

Tattyhead · Senior Member

Sick AH and Guilty me

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Tish

I am so sorry that you are enduring this painful time . This disease is dreadful and you are very human. I am glad your husband is in hospital where he is safe and under medical care and I am glad that you feel that way too.

Please give yourself permission to be human The disease is so painful and dealing with it, as you have been it is understandable that you came close to really losing it. I must confess, that I found myself choking my 200 pound 6 ft son one difficult evening before I regained what was left of my sanity.

I have completely forgiven myself for my thoughts, words and actions during those horrible months and urge you to forgive yourself, you are doing the best you can.

You and your family will be in my prayers.

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Tatty head,

at my meeting the other day the topic was insanity I listen as member after member shared the levels that this terrible disease has taken us too. Some members shared how they had actually tried to take their A;s life due to the stresses. This disease as we know affects us and we are sober to see and experience it all, We do the best we can. My A is sober at the moment but the disease I can still see, while he was in rehab I too felt a sense of relief from all the chaos. So sorry to hear of your situation hope your hp takes care of you at this difficult time. hugs

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Tattyhead)))

So sorry the disease is rocking your family's core. I can't tell you how many times I thought the same thing. Frustration can overpower and take control if we let it.. Boy, did I back pedal my thoughts when was at deaths door. I immediately told HP I didn't mean it! Then I realized how silly I was and that I'm not in control of any of it. Let go of your guilt, remember you don't have that kind of power. It does an equal amount of good to wish they would stop. It's out of our hands.

Please sleep well, knowing your A is getting the best care possible.

Christy

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Tish - my AH - who is not living with me right now because I refuse to play his games - goes on rants - emails and texts me that the only thing I have to worry about tomorrow is his funeral. Or he'll email his last will - what to do with his things, his ashes, etc. and sometimes, God forgive me, there is a part of me that sometimes wishes he'd just get it over with and be done and finally let me live my life in peace and resume the journey back to sanity. Its horrid to think that way but they push us into it, don't they? One of the treasures of this board is seeing that THAT behaviour isn't just what WE are going through, we are not alone and we aren't the only ones feeling this way.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Very sad indeed. Just remember, he is choosing to die by his actions. He is choosing to have you watch him commit slow suicide and be his caretaker. It's not the same as if he had cancer. You don't deserve to have insults hurled at you while you are trying to take care of someone. Does he feel guilty for doing this to you? Has he expressed any gratitude at all for all the caretaking you are doing?

I don't think he deserves to be treated like crap cuz of what he is doing, but I guess I am just saying to remember you are only human. He says 20 horrible things and messes up your life and doesn't care. You say 1 mean thing in retaliation and feel horrible.

Pray for strength, but setting boundaries is a good thing too if you can.

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Trish your not the only one who has said things like that ,it comes from total frustration and anger . I often thought the same thing only today I know I didnt mean it , just wanted it over and really didnt care how . Is there any doubt that I was sicker than the alcoholic at the time ? NO there isnt . I am not proud of those moments , here I learned to forgive myself hopfully you will too . Your husb is a sick man ,he is in hospital now he may find the help he needs . I pray that he will . Louise

Loupiness · ~*Service Worker*~

((Tish))

The experience that I had with active alchoholism pales to many (and definately yours), but it was enough that I completely understand your negative and hopeless feelings, and associated guilt. I was there too, and still visit at times. I consider myself resilient and a survivor, and part of that "accomplishment" includes the fact that I never went to jail or had any altercation that involved the legal authorities. If you can get yourself a hold of some al-anon speaker tapes of wives of As, you can hear some stories of those who also felt that way, and acted on thier feelings of despair, and not only lived to tell about it, but became a beacon of hope for others. The disease is crazy-making, and we are the perfect "victims". The desperation of just wanting someone, anyone, anything to help ease the pain for ourselves and them... I am glad your husband is in a safe place, and glad you are getting some peace. I hope you can get some forgiveness too. You are not alone.
Blessings,
Lou

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

You can ask for forgiveness, forgive yourself and let it go hon!

Everyone is so right, we all say some things we wish we hadn't. It honestly is nothing I do. But I did one time. I called my AH I loved since 17, am 58, I called him a sexless wonder. scrinching my face. cringing. )c:

We can only take so much. Any animal who is backed into a corner is going to panic. Frustration is a horrible place to be!

When I was reading your share I was thinking omg he needs to be in a hospital! You were so into taking care of him you lost your ability to see that.

I only wished mine dead, many times, still do, becuz he is so very miserable. Again we get so tired. Its horrible to watch any loved one die, especially addicts. Their disease does so much damage.

Please forgive you. You are responding naturally to a very horrible situation.

If the doc thinks he is that bad why doesn't he help you to get him in a lock up situation, declared incompetant?

I am so sad for you and yours and your A. I know this sounds wierd but Tatty, i want to be there for mine when he gets bad. He has no one else. I don't want him to die alone. He is my sons father, was my friend,lover and husband in my life for over 50 years. The disease is what I hate, never him.

I doubt the disease even heard you. They think we say things we didn't anyway. good one for, Oh I said that? maybe you are right.

Having a special kiddo is very challenging by itself. I am imagining you are feeling pretty raw and exausted!

hope venting here helps!I care about you! love,debilyn

Tattyhead · Senior Member

Thank you all so much for your replies and empathy. You always manage to make me feel better.

AH is not behaving any better even though he is in hospital Every time I go to see him he demands I take him out for a smoke. The fact he is currently attached to a blood transfusion doesn't seem to him to be a hindrance. When I point out I cannot take him anywhere, he is horrible to me. Never mind, the advantage of him being where he is means I can just turn tail and walk out. His liver is huge, he is jaundiced and the medics think he is bleeding internally so he is having more tests tomorrow.

In a way it is more peaceful at home without him but it is still very stressful.

Your support means so much to me, thank you once again.

Love, Tish xxx

VickieB · Member

My heart goes out to you...I have just gone through the same sort of experience with my AH. He was very sick and I cleaned up after him as well. Finally he had a bleed and was in the hospital being a terrible patient and calling my son and myself to come get him out. After the blood transfusion and tests they found he had a gastric ulcer. I informed everyone about his alcoholism and finally they sat up and took notice. This is his second bleed in 3 years. I guess he was approached by social workers, AA members, and clergy. This really got to him and he told our son that I had people swarming on him like bees on honey and he couldn't stand it any more. After 4 days he checked himself out without being medically released and took a cab home. He was so weak he could hardly make it into the house. We were furious. That night he took Ambien and maybe drank...what a mess that was! I too went off the deep end. The next day a nurse arrived and saw the state he was in and she helped get him into a recovery facility.

Ness · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Tish......heres a ((((((hug))))))

Im sorry your husband is so sick and thankful that hes getting the help he needs.

Please allow yourself to enjoy the calm in your home, you and your boy need it...... and deserve it.

Dont beat yourself up. I know many, myself included, who have had the same thoughts as you......were only human.

I try to remember when the demands, or the threats, or the whining are active that NO is a complete sentence, and that what other people think of me is none of my business. I say what I mean, mean what I say & dont say it mean.

On one occasion when my Ason was hospitalised the doctor tried to remove him to our home for outpatient care, which meant I would be in charge of his medication and nutritional needs, what my son (&I) knew but the doctor didnt was the only nutritional need my son was after was a litre of cider to wash down a couple of diazepam. So I refused and the doctor berated me for being an uncaring Mother, (what other people think of me is none of my business) but I got a few days more peace because I needed it.

Love & best wishes

Ness xx

-- Edited by Ness on Wednesday 6th of April 2011 07:37:42 AM

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