son causing me grief - Al-Anon Family Group

maire rua · ~*Service Worker*~

son causing me grief

redtara · Member

Get yourself some help right away. Go to step meetings as often as you can. My son started drinking at 15 and is now a cocain addict. I enabled my son for 8 years. I've just recently -6 months ago kicked him out of the house. Believe me if your son has an alcohol problem there is nothing, and I mean nothing that you can do to change that. You need to stop enabling him. It takes lots of support to do that. The best phamplets I found really helpful in alanon are " A Merry go Round named denial" and a saying on detachment. Hopefully it won't take you as long to wake up.
YOur enabling is making his problem worse and in the end could kill him. Don't want to scare you just don't want you to have to go through what I've been through. Remember your dealing with his addiction not him. Find someone who's been in the program long term who's been successful in dealing with thier kids. You think it's bad now -keep enabling him and you'll be on the long rd to hell.
Don't mean to scare you-just saying it like it is.
Goodluck and god bless

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Watch what they do, ignore what they say,was a good one for me.

Have you set up boundaries and stuck to what happens if they are broken? Does he have to clean up his own messes. Get a job, go to work, do some chores at home? No using if you want to come home?

More important take him places with you.again ignore what he says. he is your young boy and he needs to have you set boundaries and stick to them. A or not all kids need us to be strong loving parents. Even if he gripes the whole time, he is with you and he knows ya want him with you.

teens feel so crummy inside. Most the time don't like themselves, don't know where they belong. So if they have parents who just let him be but still want to be with him, its huge.

We don't change just becuz they do. You may want to talk about rehab. Give him choices, this rehab or this one?

I have been where you are, not the same actions, but he was a mess with drugs.

Now he is amazing to me.

Sending you love and hope. Remember if we don't get into their stuff, and don't let the disease get to us, drain us we can be a strong parent.

Don't let the disease win.

Hugs hugs,deb

redtara · Member

So true Deblylin. Don't let the disease win. I see marie rua is irish and her husband drinks or drank as well. I myself come from 3 generations of Irish drinkers on my father's side. I sometimes think many of us are born enablers and when your programed that way it take enormous effort to change the program. Recovery is not easy work. And the longer I'm in it the crazier my past life seems.
Love can be very tricky. We enable our kids and call it love. It feels like love. Really it's a way to avoid our own pain and try to control our fears of the what ifs. Love needs a sane and secure vessel to accomplish it's miricles. Boundaries are everything and allowing one to face the consequences of their actions is a huge step in helping another with a drinking problem.
I feel for you marie and I admire anyone who seeks the sane path of recovery. It's hard work but so worth it. Your son is probably your greatest teacher and perhaps asking what it is he's trying to teach you will help. I know that my son and his addiction has helped me to grow in ways no other person has. They are messengers unto ourselves. Having this view has helped me to focus my attention on myself and off my son. Though it's still hard at times it does get better - especially when I reach out and share with others experiencing similar problems.
hugs and recovery

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