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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> love!
Post Info TOPIC: love!
Katy


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 717
Date:
love!
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I have been really struggling lately and practicing all the behaviours that got me here, the difference is now i know I know, where as before I didn't, this all started long before I met my a, and I have been asking god a lot lately to please help me to see whats wrong, and I you know what? I think he has.

 

I think it's all about love, it's understanding the types of love, I think I have tried to demand the wrong kind of love from my husband, I think I wanted him to love me like a father and in many ways he really has, but then he needs the love of a wife and often I behave like a child, my husband is a fragile person too and I am often so caught up in myself I refuse to see things from any other angle, for instance last week I went out on my motorbike and had a fabulous day, I was so so happy, I came home made a cake prepared a lovely meal, and when hubby came home he asked me about my day and I was excited to tell him, and then I senced he was off with me and my anxiety levels started to come my fears, my self doubt, he ignored me then and I didn't sleep I asked him in the morning what was wrong, he said nothing I said well I think there is, and I demanded he tell me, then he raged at me how he doesn't mind me going here or there but he didn't want me going this place without him, WOT!so that was it,too late I was off on one, I do not have a built in radar so what do I do, I shut down I internalize all the hurt and pain and guilt I just see someone trying to control me and stop me being happy, and then? I ask god and I think he says, it's because your husband wants to share those things with you, so I took him where I went and he told me off because there was a very steep hill on a blind corner and he said he didn't like them, I said yes I don't either I just got that bit wrong is all. 

 

Whoops I have lost my thread here now really, oh ye, it's about love, the different kinds I think, my father rejected all four of us, I think it affected us all in different ways, as we were all at different stages of our lives, that left our poor mum to try and support four of us emotionally physically and financially, I guess the absence of a father has been the void in my life, and I have been trying to fill that void and I haven't suceeded, my husband is not my father, it's a different love between a husband and wife,  it's time I stopped being my husbands daughter, now I gotta learn how to be a wife!

 

Katy

  x

 



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Katy
Chelle3


Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 43
Date:
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I just read something about codependents and love. Often people with traumatic childhoods choose husbands that will father them. I too had a traumatic childhood with an often absent and mentally ill father. I ordered this book to help: http://www.amazon.com/Homecoming-Reclaiming-Championing-Inner-Child/dp/0553353896/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1301665461&sr=8-2

I have no idea if it's a good book or not.

I can understand your pain of being rejected. It sounds like that's how you feel when your husband ignores you. I have that same pain too. I guess the 3 c's come into play here, you can't control his passive aggressive actions and you can't cure them. I guess you could look to see if there's a valid reason for prompting his anger and then address that, which it sounds like you did.

It also sounds like this is a boundary issue too. It sounds like he became resentful because you had a good day and he didn't, it might highlight his pain. But you have a right to good days and I think it's appropriate to allow yourself those good days too.



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