The material presented
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to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is my first time posting on this message board. I have been in al anon for over a year and it has helped me so much. I am in a state of panic and anxiety and grief right now, because my boyfriend of three years (anniversary is tomorrow) seems to be relapsing.
He has been sober for a little over a year and a half, going to meetings daily and up until recently working an inspiring program. Several weeks ago his behavior changed. He decided to take anti depressants and went on and off multiple different medications within just a few days. He has been going from doctor to doctor, each time coming home with new prescriptions.
Tonight he has come home with two new medications, one of which is a pain reliever that can be used recreationally. He knows what he is doing but he is in deep denial. He knows I can not be with him anymore. He knows what my bottom line is.
He has been yelling vicious things and talking a mile a minute. All I can do is cry. I have no idea what to do right now. I am praying. I do not want to go to a friends house- I feel most safe in my own apartment. But I do not feel safe right now around him. It has been so long since it has felt like this.
I am so heartbroken and scared. I pray for guidance on how to move through the rest of this night and the next days.... Any wisdom or guidance on any of this would be so appreciated.
You are doing what I would be doing, reaching out to the fellowship. How easily my disease gets triggered by their disease. And for me, that begins with forgetting to get with God. The "thinking" is what gets us all into trouble... and in that sense, it is the exact same disease.
So, my suggestion is to get with God (however you like to do that) because that is what works for me. No human power can relieve me. You seem to know you are powerless but life is feeling unmanageable right now. So get quiet and still, and sit in peaceful silence with your HP. I always feel more clear when I do this. I would also make as many meetings as my schedule will allow... in crisis, I've even changed my schedule to make meetings. Because I always feel more calm... and that is the goal in my recovery, to not react to life anymore, to stay calm.... accept life on life's terms.
You will know what you need to do, HP didn't bring you this far to drop you on your head. It will become clear because HP will be with you, you just have to stay close and ask for the help.
Keep posting, you are not alone, sweetie
(((big hugs)))
__________________
The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Thank you so much for your response. It is very helpful. I am so glad someone recommended this forum to me... This kind of episode makes me feel so totally isolated, even though I know i have a fellowship of people who understand... in that moment I feel so alone and embarrassed. It is good to be able to come here now when I am in this crisis mode and see that other people can relate. Thanks so much for your suggestions- I am going to go try and meditate. xo
Welcome to MIP, I am so glad that you found us and are reaching out. It appears that you have been using your program very effectively. Reaching out, Focusing on yourself and prayer - all great program tools.
You have also broken the isolation by connecting with others who understand and received their support and have been offered some great suggestions.
I wanted to add that unsettling as it is, relapse is part of this dreadful disease. Please try to take care of yourself tonight, rest, do not engage with him, know HP is with you and that this too will pass
Keep coming back
-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 31st of March 2011 11:29:15 PM
Aloha SSZAM0...Truely relapse is sooo much a part of the disease. We need to talk about it more however for now you need support and I'm wondering if you have a sponsor or some close Al-Anon friends you can ask for support especially over night. If you do and you have the phone numbers maybe making that call will get you help. If you're feeling threatened by his condition you can also call 911. Glad you found the forum. (((((hugs)))))
Thank you everyone for the helpful responses. I am still struggling with the decision to leave my boyfriend. Now that the reality of it is sinking in, I feel so overwhelmed with fear and grief and confusion. All I want now is to have him back with me. I will keep using my tools and trying to stay in the day and not project, but it is so hard to not worry about the future when I feel I have to make a decision. I will keep praying and meditating and reading this message board... Thanks everyone again, so much.
I'm so sorry this is happening, but so glad that you found us. There is a lot of wisdom on these boards.
My experience is that I knew early on that my boyfriend had crossed my bottom line -- but I kept setting new bottom lines. It's not that his behavior "wasn't really that bad." The effects were awful and I was having a very hard time. But I was so scared to go it alone. I was afraid I couldn't make it and that I'd have regrets for leaving him and it would be too late.
I stayed many years past the time I first decided I needed to leave. When I finally did -- because it finally really came home to me that the behavior was not going to stop and that I couldn't bear living with it -- I was astonished to find that I never regretted leaving. Did I regret that things didn't work out between us? Of course, absolutely. But my staying wouldn't have made them work out.
When I finally did leave, it was a bit of an adjustment living on my own and taking care of myself. If I had left him that first time I decided to, that adjustment would have been long behind me. I would have had years more to try out the new wonderful things about life without an addict.
Just my experience of life after a decision. Whatever you do, be sure to take good care of yourself. Hugs.
Glad you came back and shared what is going on. It is very imortant to break the isolation and connect with those who are walking the same road and using positive tools. This is a very difficult time for you and this disease is relentless.
You are using all the right tools that will enable you to make the right choice for your life. Please do not project, stay in the day , trust HP to guide you actions and know with HP your fuure is not clear but is secure.
With the help of my wonderful and very wise sponsor I have decided to just take things one day at a time right now. I realize I am just not ready to tear my whole life apart right now. Breaking up is just too scary for me, and I do not think I am ready. I also do not know if it is the right moment. I trust that HP will give me clarity when and if that is something I need to do. I have to keep remembering to detach and keep the focus on myself, because my boyfriend's behavior is so upsetting and it really does scare me. I still feel very unsteady in some ways but I think I am coming out of the horrible black cloud of anxiety that was last week... Feeling more like myself. I do not know if I am making the perfect decision but right now it feels right... Thank you guys so much for your messages during this time! xoxo
