Intro for sick-and-tired - Al-Anon Family Group

sick-and-tired · Member

Intro for sick-and-tired

flopadopilus · ~*Service Worker*~

Wow your story hits me in the deepest of places! No daughter should have had to go through that and I am sorry for that. Alcoholism is such a terrible disease that rips the beautiful people we love into shreds of who they once were. Good job to dettach and take care of yourself before you gave up on yourself. I too am so glad you found it here and welcome to MIP, your share was so raw and honest. Are you attending Al-anon face to face meetings or reading any of the literature? It can be of great help also. I welcome you and am sure you will find helpful loving people here. Saying a prayer for you now!

sick-and-tired · Member

I really appreciate your response (and it was so quick too! :) )

I attend meetings occassionally online.

I've been to two face to face meetings. The last meeting I went to..a lady gave her books to me...she said it was given to her, and she waited until she found the right person to give it to. I was touched.

I guess I made the first post so "raw and honest" because its in hopes of helping someone else. You know? I can only hope that if someone is going through a similiar experience..that they find comfort in knowing they are not alone.

Deep in my heart I know it was best that I detach, yet I feel so terrible for it. I know she views it as me "giving up on her". She has the tendency to carry the "poor me" attitude, she doesnt take responsibility for the pain she has bestowed onto others. Guilt eats away at me..because what happens if her liver gives out? What happens if she kills herself...I'd be stuck here with the "I should have done this...." attitude. :(

Its a horrible feeling.

Again, thank you for your response.

flopadopilus · ~*Service Worker*~

I have dettached from my own Mother except the occassional short phone convo. She has chosen a lifestyle I don't want my children or myself around and I set my boundaries. I don't feel guilt over it, because if she died tomorrow she knows that I love her. I married a man a lot like my Mother and now that I am divorcing my AH life is finally about me and my kids. I know expecting rational thinking from these sick people is so frustrating. My dad has passed away already and I choose to be dettached from my brother also, so at times I feel alone, but I know to attach means I will lose my sanity. I am my best me turning to Al-anon and MIP that assists my recovery. Don't feel horrible for saving yourself, after I left my AH I had guilt for awhile, but than I figured why should we both live miserably and in chaos. My kids are better for it too. If and when he decides to make changes I am not standing in his way any longer. I so relate to you and am happy that you shared!

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Powerful story. I respect that you did what you had to. That is a shame what happened to your mom. The sad thing is, I have seen that before in many cases. It sounds like a nasty case of dual diagnosis....mental illness and substance abuse. The odds of recovery are less there than with just addiction. I am so sorry you have had to go through this. While no 22 year old should have to go through this, there may be another young girl or boy who reads this or someone else that has a similar story who will benefit from it. Your experience is your strength. Also, while you might bear some scars from what has happened, you are also stronger in some ways I would bet.

Peace,

Mark

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I am so, so sorry to hear what you've been through.

The alcoholism makes them insane, and many people drink to "self-medicate" emotional imbalances they had already, so an emotional imbalance with insanity added on top of it...

You have been taking care of someone who is just as delusional as if she had uncontrolled schizophrenia or as out of touch as if she had late-stage Alzheimer's. As you know, that's not your "real" mom there. Unfortunately she was overwhelmed years ago by all the things going on in her brain.

It hurts more than anyone can express, I know. I have watched several people lost to the process. The irony of her surviving the terminal diagnosis and then being lost to alcoholic insanity is just so tragic.

No one should have to endure this alone. I'm so glad you're getting support. There are many people here who have lived through tragic things and worked miracles in their serenity. Read all the threads and learn all you can about how the insanity pulls us down too until we hardly know up from down. Know that we're all pulling for you. Hugs.

sick-and-tired · Member

flop- Thank you again. It means a lot. I could only imagine the loneliness you are feeling. Actually. I can probably relate in some ways. I admire your strength to rise above all you have endured to make a better life for you and your children. Thank you for the advice on guilt. Its a work in progress.

pinkchip- Thank you for your input. I think the mental illness is a result of the alcohol. she is truly a wonderful person without the drink. But its the drink that makes her...well...nuts. :( Thank you for what you said, that is truly somethign that means a lot to me. I hope my "story" can be of some comfort to someone else. It's a terrible thing to endure...but thinking you are "alone" in the struggle is even worse. I find comfort in knowing I have people who truly understand me.

Mattie: I agree. Alcoholism is a disease in a sense. She obviously can't just snap out of it...I also agree that the irony of it is truly heartbreaking. It makes me sad. She was given a MIRACLE..and she chose (and still continues to choose) to drink it away. Meanwhile, there are others out there...dying for a miracle (literally) and some may never get it. Don't get me wrong...Its not like I dont think she deserved it...I only wish she appreciated it better. You know? *Hugs right back*

Thank you everyone.

Jennifer · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome! I am glad you found the MIP family. I am so sorry that alcohol has affected your and your mom's lives so horribly. When I read your post and saw that you are able to remember the strong, beautiful mother that wiped your tears, I smiled. Learning the tools to detach and find peace with our loved ones actions while in the full force of addictions and the consequences is something I am grateful for everyday. I know I am living a better life and am a better person for having found a way to release the anger and need for continuing my own role in the cycle. Thank you for sharing. Keep working it and taking care of you as best you can.

Jen

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

you just about described what I went thru with my ex AH. Same as you, I have accepted he is no longer the man i loved. My husband is dead.

and I know the horror of seeing them but they are not them. Watching them die over and over on and on.

I am proud of you for protecting YOU from this disease. Your dear mother would want you to! She raised a wonderful woman.

Honey she loves you the best she can but is VERY ill.

hon she did not choose to drink. they cannot choose to just stop. the disease is a constant craving. they have to hit a certain place that it hits them that they will do anything to stop, then they have to get help on their own.

Getting in a wreck, dui's almost dieing, losing everything, do not matter unless they are ready to stop.

Your mom is not her disease. I feel my AH is being held hostage by the disease. He is no longer sane at all.

I hope it helps to share here. Feel welcome please.

I mean it, your mother would want you to protect yourself from the disease. You are doing the right thing for you!

It is the disease being poor me, not your mom.

hugs hon, debilyn

ythannah · Senior Member

Hello and welcome sick-and-tired! smile

Your post has certainly helped me: for the first time since Nov 2009, I am grateful that my own mother's death from cirrhosis was mercifully swift.

My mother was quite functional until about 3 weeks before she died. She was so well, in fact, that no one knew the extent of her liver failure. We had gone on a family vacation together that summer, and she seemed no worse off than any other 73 year old woman.

She had already been hospitalized several times previously for seizures and knew she couldn't drink again. She had told my A father that she had quit, but had no problem with him having liquor in the house -- I believe she continued to sneak booze secretly. She also hid the fact that she was vomiting blood from varicies until it was too late, and she ended up in intensive care getting first a transfusion, then blood volumizers to try and keep her blood pressure up. They drew 6 litres of fluid off her abdomen, mainly so that she could breathe more comfortably. Occasionally the toxins would build up and she would talk irrationally; at other times she was her usual self.

Five days before she died, her doctor told us that she wasn't going to make it. At first my father and I pretended to her that she was on the mend and would be coming back home. She confronted my father with his pretense, and he admitted to her that she was dying (I didn't find this out until after she died, however -- we are so dishonest with one another!). At that point she became much more peaceful. It seemed that she was tired of fighting to live and welcomed the end.

Her inability to quit the thing that was killing her proved to me beyond any doubt that alcoholism is a disease -- that woman would not have chosen to be a slave to alcohol. She was mortified that her own behaviour had caused her hospital admissions. I can only imagine how she felt about having to lie to my father and sneak her little fixes throughout the day, living in constant fear of discovery.

I'm sorry that you have to go through this. When my mother was alive, detachment was the only thing that allowed me to preserve a relationship with her (and my father), although that was in my pre-Al-Anon days and most of the time it was physical detachment.

nmike · ~*Service Worker*~

Wow. Hang in there. Welcome to MIP! Keep coming back. You are not alone.

In support,
Nancy

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

Like many other people here I lived and rescued, raged, begged and cajoled and wept over an end stage alcoholic for years. My health tanked, my weight crept up by 60/70 lbs. I could not think, eat, sleep or consider anything but what I feared he would do next. He certainly did plenty, crashed and destroyed cars, jobs, our home, our belongings, our dogs, our cats, our belongings. I had no idea how to respond but how I did by begging, pleading, worrying, ranting, screaming and more. I drove myself into a hole of resentment, fear, depression and fear.

Eventually I decided I needed to work some of the tools of al anon. I detached which was never easy. I stopped feeling that I was the only thing that was keeping him alive (clealry his higher power had other ideas)...I stopped letting my entire life focus entirely on him and how enraged I was at him.

I can't say even one second of it was easy. Nevetheless being in some kind of recovery was easier than being completely swallowed up in his self destruction. I could not fathom his actions and kept trying to find a reason for his behavior. I had no ability to control my emotions, my rage, my resentment my inability to sit still and my complete obsession with what he was going to do, what he had done and what I needed from him.

I had to stop looking for him to change and change me. I had to focus on some of my needs rather than keep hoping he might.

Every day in recovery is very hard for me. There is no one easy day, there is no respite from the aftermath of living with someone who has completely self destructed. What there is for me is the abilty to act in my own best interest rather than feel guilty for it. There is also the abilty to speak and know my own truth rather than hide from it.

I'm so glad you made it here.

Maresie.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.