The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I myself am a recovering addict with 16 years. However, this side of this is new to me and I am now learning what I put my loved ones through when I was active in my addiction.
Recently, (this week Wednesday) I had to put my foot down with my wife. Actually it was two weeks ago when I said one more time and you have to leave. Well Wednesday it happened again and my wife indeed left us. Us being myself and our three children.
I am having a very hard time with this and a fellow recovering person said to seek help at Al Anon immediately so here I am.
We have spoken since Wednesday and in fact she very calmly arrived at home today and handed over our check book and showed me how to do all of our finances online. We discussed the situation a little bit now that she is sober and the part I am stuck on is that she says that THIS is her, THIS is how she is and that she will not change.
I am lost, I am heart broken, and I hurt so bad. I have to be strong for my kids and deep down even on the surface I know I had to do this but it doesn't help. I feel a break down coming from me soon I just don't know when I will have the time to cry.
I found a meeting for Sunday but I wanted to try the forums for some insight because I am a computer geek by nature and by trade.
I am sorry that this is happening to you! It sounds like you released her to your HP which is great and hopefully you can get some Al-anon literature to read, it helps. I hope you will be able to feel your feelings and let them out. My children have seen me cry and I think it shows them that it is indeed okay to show your feelings. Say the serenity prayer and meditate with your HP and answers will come. You are in the heat of it and sometimes the hardest thing to do than is not to react. Take care of yourself and your kids! I will say a prayer for you all!
__________________
God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
Mike, I'm glad you found Miracles In Progress. Your friend is indeed a friend. His suggestion is my suggestion also. Being alone in this disease carries a heavy weight, it's to much for most of us. The support you will find here and in face 2 face meetings can be a life saver. You have to help the only person you have control over....you. All our problems are different, yet similar, we have all been effected by someone else's drinking or addiction. We have no control over the disease as it continues to take over the mind, body, and spirit of ones we love.
This program will give you the tools to make your life better. Taking care of yourself first and putting the focus on you and not the addict in your life is the most important thing you can do for yourself and your children. Start "your"recovery. There will be a seat waiting for you at the meeting Sunday and other members who have walked and many who are still walking in your shoes. Listen to what they have to say, what's worked for them. Free literature will be available. Stay after the meeting and talk to other members. We call that the meeting after the meeting. Read prior post on this site. Learn all you can about this cunning, baffling, and powerful disease.
You have experienced it personally, as you stated you have been in recovery for 16 years. There is nothing fair about this disease. It's a taker never a giver. It's progressive. Continues to only get worse.
As a person in recovery that also participates here in Alanon, I can say I have learned a lot that I didn't know just from AA. The relationship I had with another alcoholic ended right when I chose to get sober and it ended largely so I could get sober. My partner was never going to change.... For whatever reason it was me that Alcohol busted down to nothing and it was me that had to choose recovery. He seems to be able to still tread that line of totally screwed up "functional" alcoholic. I know I cannot do that...I let it go.
One difference here is that you have children. I do hope she doesn't think she gets to "be her" at the expense of your children. Don't think that just because you are the man that she doesn't have responsibilities including child support. Also, since she is the mother, I might speak to a lawyer in case she changes her mind about custody, as states tend to favor mothers and it would not be good for them to hand the kids over to an active alcoholic. Just a couple of things to think about.
Last thing, I am just so sorry you had to go through this. You know how to utilize support though from being in recovery already. Hopefully that will be one thing to your advantage. Also, don't forget your own program in this process.
Welcome to MIP, Mike. I am glad you found us. I absolutely hated and resisted accepting that my exah was not going to change because I wanted it to happen. My reluctance to let go and let HP take over caused more harm than good even with all my good intentions. Coming to Al Anon and learning from the people and from the steps, using the tools, has given me a new perspective on how I can handle my life with dignity and respect as well as allowing others to do the same. I hope you and your children (there is Alateen if you decide to introduce them to the program) find the benefits of shared experience, strength and hope that i have found.
Welcome to MIP Mike. You have come to the right place. Your wife's words sound exactly like my AHsober's words. He left the marriage six years ago. He has been sober for over 25 years. He is a dry drunk - he does not work a program. He said I am outta here, this is who I am, I am not going to change, I am an addict, I am tired of working on my addictions and our marriage. So he left. I devastated. However I have the Alanon recovery program and I am much less devastated and have learn to focus on my own recovery. My 3 sons are grown so I sympathize with you. Hang in there. Get to a face to face meeting if you can. Keep up your own recovery program and as you know take it one day (sometimes minute) at a time.
Welcome, you are not alone any longer. We who live or have lived with this disease understand as few others can. I found the room of alanon at my darkest hour. My husband responded to his disease as did your wife I had nowhere else to go. I am glad your friends directed you here.
Check out face to face meetings in your community. Alanon meetings focus on the 12 Steps just as your AA meetings do but the focus of recovery in alanon is a little different. Here we try to learn to focus on ourselves, live one day at a time, define our principles and learn to live by them. We have on line meetings here as well and naturally you can always just check in and post.
I want to thank all of you. You know being in recovery myself I knew all of this but have just never experienced it from the other end. The pain is immense and the confusion is just as great.
We have been together for over 17 years married 16. This is the woman that stood her ground and drew a line in the sand that was my cornerstone to recovery.
I lived, ate and breathed the chaos, confusion and loss you describe. I found myself completely unable to separate out what was my issues and what were his.
I'm so glad you are here. If you have the opportunity please check out Getting them Sober which is a book listed above (for free).
