First time - Al-Anon Family Group

amanda07 · Newbie

First time

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Amanda

Welcome to MIP and Alanon

You mentioned doing your internship in a substance abuse support program so you do understand that alcoholism is a cunning and powerful disease. You did not cause it, cannot control it ,and cannot cure it.

It sounds as if attending al anon face to face meetings in your community could offer you the support you need. You can find meetings by going to http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html Or call: 1-888-4alanon

At these meetings you will break the isolation, learn new tools to deal with this disease and find answers that are best for you. It is suggested that you make no major life changes for the first 6 months in program , unless you are in physical danger. The reason that this is suggested is that we need time to let go of our denial and try to adjust to reality.

We also have on line meetings here every day and 24/7 chat Please keep coming back and sharing the journey.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

You are not being an unsupportive girlfriend. All of your thoughts about you and your relationship needs are valid and you are very much entitled to them. He will probably distort the reasons for the break up anyhow, but just for good measure you could tell him that if he has his crap together and is sober (and if you are still single) in a year, you will give it a go again at that time. However, he has a recovery road to travel and he can only do it on his own. I wrote that he has to do it alone, but he really doesn't. It seemed so mountainous to stop drinking to me, but in retrospect...the only part I really had to do alone was walk into the door of my first AA meeting. After that, I just had to do what I was told.

And...for good measure...don't beat yourself up over your education and how it conflicts with your life experience. This is coming from a psychotherapist who was an active alcoholic while working on a substance abuse unit... BOOYAH king of hypocrisy - ME

Nutbar · Veteran Member

You are not being un-supportive. In fact you are doing yourself a huge favor. I wish I had been as switched on as you prior to marrying my alcoholic wife. Ten years living a nightmare however finally there is some light at the end of the tunnel. Good luck.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Al anon has taught me not to take their disease personal. They are sick, they do not choose their drug over us. They are not capable to choose us like that. The craving the need, the focus is always going to be the drug, part of being A. Until they get into recovery, use tools to be able to focus on us at all, they just cannot help it.

They don't have the disease becuz they chose it. They are an addict. They cannot love like a NON A. MOstly becuz they disdain themselves and want to be "normal."

As an adult I would NEVER choose to be with an A. Never. Yes it hurts horrible I know! Its good you came to Al Anon. It will help you so very much. We really care about each other.

Al anon kept me alive.

Meetings are great if you can do them. A site and phone number to find a meeting in your area is at the end of my post.

Sending you love,debilyn

Corgi2 · Veteran Member

Hi Amanda,

I feel your pain!!! I think that you and I have a lot in common...we are around the same age and going through a very similiar situation. I know how frustrated you are and I know that feeling you get in your stomach when he doesn't answer his phone. It's like you already know what's coming....the phone call that is going to break you down even more. It's not easy to walk away. You love him and have become a big part of one another's life. The thing that keeps me going every day is that I don't have to decide what Im going to do today. I am living for today and I think you should too. I recently took a break from my boyfriend to start taking care of myself, because like you, I love to take care of others before myself. You are not being an unsupportive girlfriend by putting yourself first. He may try to convince you of that, but that's not the case. Don't try to figure it all out today....take each day as it comes, sometimes each hour or minute.

Hope we can help each other through this great support system. Im always here to just listen. I don't have the answers, but I will be able to relate to your experiences!

Corgi

ythannah · Senior Member

Hi and welcome, Amanda! smile

You could be me (a younger edition of me, lol), our situations are so similar. I too have Social Work degrees and, although I don't work in the addiction field, I have volunteered with a chemical dependency facility for 20 years. You see, I grew up with alcoholic parents and I accepted very early on that there was nothing I could do to help or "fix" them, but I did want to put some time and effort into helping addicts who truly wanted help and were willing to receive it.

For some reason that wonderful healthy acceptance didn't generalize over to my romantic relationships, however. Nor did my fear of alcoholism as the Big Bad Boogeyman stop me from dating alcoholic men. hmm There I was saying over and over again that alcoholism was my worst nightmare, yet choosing relationships with alcoholics. Of course, they were self-proclaimed recovering alcoholics, so they were safe -- right?

Nor did I do what a healthy woman would do at that first relapse and the discovery that "recovery" wasn't as solid as I'd been led to believe, which is RUN far far away. Nope, I stuck around for more! Torturing myself thinking that I could come up with some magic phrase that would make a difference, or if I was a "better" partner he would love me enough to stay sober. Beating myself up because I was (again!) unable to find the strength to walk away from an incredibly dysfunctional relationship. Intellectually, I knew better -- emotionally was another thing entirely.

We have been together for 2 1/2 years, and he's been sober for 15 months today. I've been in Al-Anon for the past 14 1/2 months. He isn't working a recovery program, so I'm pretty much taking things one day at a time. But I know that I need recovery for ME, regardless of whether or not this relationship survives.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Remember that helping people recover from alcoholism is what professional counselors do. It is a one-way relationship: the counselor offers help to the client, but is careful not to invest emotionally in or expect personal support from the client. That's wise, not only for the process of therapy, but because people in the grip of addictions can't offer anything to others. So the counselor/client relationship would be the kind of relationship you'd be signing up for to "help" him in his recovery. But of course he hasn't sought help, he isn't paying you, and you're looking for a two-way caring relationship. So it's not "unsupportive" to distance yourself from this, it's realistic.

A lot of us feel a little worried about relationships, as if the other person might not think we have much to offer. We're relieved in thinking that they do need something and maybe we do have something to offer. "He needs me!" We feel valuable. But the painful thing is that that isn't a realistic foundation for any relationship.

You probably know that the proportion of alcoholics who stick with recovery (in programs) and stay sober is estimated at between 5% and 30%. That's often after many, many tries. So the chances that someone with little or no motivation to stay sober would do it are pretty tiny. That's also the reality of the situation. No amount of support would make any difference. He has to want it and do it for himself.

To stay with him, despite his addiction, disguises the real consequences of his choices, which is that healthy people are going to keep their distance. So if we were thinking what "supportive" really meant, it would mean allowing him to experiences the consequences of his choices -- the consequences being that he will lose girlfriends. That's the truth and there's no need to conceal that truth from him.

Keep on taking good care of yourself!

amanda07 · Newbie

Thank you everyone for your kind words. It's been a difficult last few days, but reading your responses have made me feel stronger and more sure of my decision. I'm glad I found this forum.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.