The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Really glad that I found this site. I am a teacher and I also work at a restaurant a few nights a week. Sometimes my schedule gets so hectic that I don't make it to meetings. This is just what I was looking for. A safe place I can go when I can't make it to a meeting. Where people understand my feelings and where I can hear stories that give me hope.
I am struggling with detachment today. I get the concept, but I struggle with carrying it out. What I tend to do is cut my relationship with an axe. I told my boyfriend that I needed time apart because his drinking was getting out of control. I didn't and don't want to break up right now because my head is in a fog. I still talk to him over the phone and texting...but we haven't seen each other other than me getting some stuff from his house. We agreed that we needed time apart, but didn't wanna give up on our relationship. He feels that I completely cut him out of my life because I don't go to his house or stay the night anymore. I told him that I don't know where our future will bring us, but today I am not comfortable staying the night because we need to make some major positive changes. I understand his frustration...and I do want to see him. But am I wrong for taking this long apart? Is he right saying that I completely cut him out of my life?
On top of that, my mother and I have a very close bond. I tell her everything and she is there for me everytime I break down. She is also in Al-Anon because of my father who is an alcoholic and drug addict. (they are no longer married) I feel like I disappoint her by going back with my boyfriend. She sees the pain he causes me and I know she just wants me to be happy...but I know she doesn't want to see me end up with him because she's scared I will end up in her situation...married for 25 years and then divorced. Does anyone else have the feeling that they are betraying someone they love by being with their alcoholic? I can't help that I love him...and I know she understands...its just so hard!!! I'd love any advice...
Everyone detaches in different ways for different reasons. You are doing what you feel is right for you, and in doing so taking care of yourself first. Taking care of yourself first was the first thing I heard at my first f2f meeting. I didn't know how at the time, but in time, I realized taking care of myself first was the best gift I could give myself. Do the same Corgi, continue taking care of yourself first and have no second thoughts. It's O.K. to detach with an "axe" when you do it with love............it's called doing the next right thing for you.
I think you need to find out who you are doing this for.. Are you detaching for your mother or for you? Only you can find these answers inside you and do what you feel is right for you. I sense that you feel some of this decision was made to please your mother. You may need to work on not needing your mothers approval any longer, if this is the case. This is your life and your journey. You have to travel it to find your own answers not your mothers.
It is great that you and your mom are in program. Sharing your growth and new found awarenesses should be very exciting as long as you both remember that you are there to focus on yourselves.
Program principles work and you are both powerless of others. You are attending meetings to learn to Focus on Yourselves, Live One Day at a Time, with trust in a Higher Power
Sharing the intimate details of your relationship with one other person your sponser perhaps is important, it may be wise to keep these details within that relationship until you have more clarity.
It is your life and you get to make the rules as an adult. Unfortunately, that also leaves you with the consequences. Your mom, of all people probably understands, just as you know she is trying to spare you the pain she went through. Regarding the boyfriend: You have every right to see someone less or not at all. Your boyfriend doesn't own you. It's not a matter of which one of you is right. You both have your own wants and you shouldn't be with someone because you feel guilted or pressured. You should spend time with him for enjoyment and when you want to. You don't need this drama and confusion in your life but it's up to you to decide if the relationship is salvageable or doable with more distance between you guys. I would suggest not to pin too much hope on him stopping the drinking if he doesn't seem ready. Unless he is making plans to go to AA meetings or rehab now, I would not expect his drinking patterns to change much at all....no matter what he says.
Aloha Corgi...struggling with carrying it out is normal and suggest more practice time. Literature, meetings, sponsor, prayer and practice and then you arrive at a detachment that works for you. Recovery is about progress never perfection and that's my ESH.
I got detachment over a long period of time and on different levels. The first level was detachment with anger. The second was with dis-interest and finally I arrived at detachment with love...love meaning having finally accepted her without any conditions and myself the same way. I was able to move on without being in her shadow or needing her approval and applause and she was able to do the same thing without my direction and control. I loved her and didn't need her.
