Need some ideas please - Al-Anon Family Group

Steph444 · Veteran Member

Need some ideas please

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

I've learned that I can only control myself in these situations - and sometimes that even meant taking care of things I needed to take care of outside of the house because I knew the disease would not allow me the peace I required for myself if I chose to stay in the house.

The logical person in me tells me "He should respect my boundaries!" but alcoholism doesn't really respect boundaries. It looks for excuses to throw its weight around and either establish dominance or victimhood.

The other way I'd diffuse a fight would be to just remain neutral - let him come in, throw his tantrum, stay quiet through the whole thing and when the disease caught on that I wasn't going to engage, he'd leave me alone.

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Your graduating and leaving is his problem .. he says he wants you gone welllll Im thinkin not . If you graduate you will be able to support yourself and you wont need him anymore His biggest fear .. Louise

susie56543 · Member

My ah does the same thing when I'm studying! I have a baby to take care of, meetings, housework & therapy on top of school, so I know how you feel. I brought it up in one of my meetings and a friend told me something that works for her. If we respond in a calm or nice tone of voice then we can usually remain somewhat serene, plus it doesn't scare the children. It takes 2 to argue. Even if he doesn't respond to my attitude change, I feel better than I do otherwise. I know that ignoring the person can sometimes make it more escalated so this usually works for me. Praying when I take study breaks helps too. Kudos to you for being in school, I know it's a lot. Keep coming back!

Steph444 · Veteran Member

Thank you all....I have tried ignoring him, and it doesn't work well with him. So, I will try being nice. Just will have to keep my sarcasm in check. I don't know what I was looking for....some magic answer??? I don't know. I just got really frustrated last night. I will try to have a nice and calm tone. I know it helps if I am peaceful...Thats where it all begins. :)

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't know how old your kiddo is.

Can you take you and your kiddo into a bedroom, provide kids books snacks and you read in there?

Go to the library and sit where they have the kids toys? It sounds like this may be one of those times a person may need to leave the home to get some peace. I had my own room with a door out, and locks.

Daughter has those talking books. ummm the ones with those pens? Leapfrog! I get them for him too. Those are so cool. My grandson is just five and actually reads the new regular books she brings home.

If you did it with your child, maybe he would accept it more if it was both your reading time?

boundary could be, I need this amount of time to read. If I cannot get some quiet, I will take child and go to a library.

I was fortunate my A respected my privacy. He was not the usual A I tell ya.

Hugs hon, deb

clep · Senior Member

In your situation I went out. I went to the library. I found a sitter for our son and left.

I was told once it is hard to lose an A. I didn't see it at the time, but after three times my A left me and three times he regretted it I can see that now.

I think losing you just might be his greatest fear, he just isn't going to tell you that. If you gain independence you might be gone. That is a scary thought for many alcoholics.

Steph444 · Veteran Member

Thank you all for your advice. This doesn't happen when our child is awake. This is at 10pm. I don't really study while she's awake, but after she is tucked in, I like to prepare for the next day. And she is in bed long before 10p....That's just when I usually get started.

So, she doesn't hear any of this. By the way he treats me, I just don't see the whole him being afraid of me leaving, but you guys are the experienced ones. And my response to that anyway would be too bad. I'm feeling better everyday, and will not go back. I'm done here. I don't want to spend my life being miserable. I dont wish him any harm,but, I won't be someones punching bag. Thank you all...Given me lots to think about as usual :)

Steph444 · Veteran Member

I didn't mean punching bag in the physical sense....He doesn't hit me or physically abuse me. Metaphorically....

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Steph, the female in me wants to suggest talking about female issues whenever he comes into the room while you are studying.... is that mean? grin. I agree to try niceness - look up from book, greet with love and kindness and say, what do you need dear or can i go back to studying? You're welcome to sit by me, i can read aloud to you, wanna join me? and then, just sit and look at him with a smile on your face until he leaves. Might have to do it more than a few times but if he sees that disturbing you isn't going to get you riled up, maybe he'll decide the game isn't worth it. my two cents. cheers!

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I am wondering if both of you believe the relationship is over...why not just end it. If you are miserable and cant stand him and have made up your mind anyhow, maybe get creative and find a way to leave sooner rather than later. I like your exit plan, but you have to live for today. Resentment will grow if you feel trapped like you seem to. I know you have logical reasons for sticking around a while longer, but really examine the cost to your serenity that staying with him is causing. I am only suggesting this because you already made up your mind that it's over with him anyhow. Take your power back and move on with your life today.

danielle0516 · Senior Member

Hey Steph, I know how hard and frustrating it can be. Can you leave and study elsewhere or do you not want to leave him alone with your child? I know with me, ignoring never worked, either he would get more obnoxious or I would eventually break and explode, or get sarcastic...never once worked out in my favor.

I like the suggestions of trying to just be nice.... hope that works for you. I know when I moved past ignoring, then tried to just be normal and nice....it also didn't work...AH still thought I was fake nice, or too nice, or overly nice, or making fun of him, or ect..blah blah, nothing worked. None of this happened when I needed to study (his alcoholism didn't sprout up until I was done university)... I can't imagine having to deal with it with an exam the next day or what not!

What is he saying to you? What does he want? I remember feeling like sometimes my husband would come into the room just to 'put on a show'...like he'd want to prove to me he was sober by asking a question about something important he remembered, or just to tell me he fed the dog, anything... he was totally oblivious to the fact that he was falling over, slurring and totally incoherent and nonsensical. But, he thought he was the world's best actor.

so so sad.

I remember once my husband came down and said: "I fed the dog". I replied: "thanks". He went on: "ya, one and a half cups, just like the bag says, I measured with the scoop you had in there, then I dumped it in his bowl, I made him sit first so he thinks I'm pack leader just like Ceasar (The Dog Whisperer) says to do, then I told him "ok! come eat! and he did"... Whenmy husband said "come eat" he pointed to the floor and pointed too hard too fast and fell down.... then he was embarrased he fell and said "oh, what's that (pointing to a non exsistant object on the floor), ow!, my ankle, we shouldn't leave crap on the floor, I twisted my ankle". Then he kicked the invisible object away.

THis wasn't that long ago actually.... I wasn't even mad or annoyed anymore .. just sad to see him become what he had. and scared. It really does turn into absolute complete insanity.

I hope you are able to find peace for yourself and get into a healthier situation. Try your best to deal with the situations by not reacting...it does get easier. I went from erupting like a crazy person every single time and screaming my head off....to the odd slip and mostly just talking normal, listening, and waiting for the insanity to end...I never thought it would have been possible for me to just not engage, not get mad, not spout off my mighty wisdom, but... miracuously, I did get there:)

-- Edited by danielle0516 on Thursday 24th of March 2011 12:26:45 AM

-- Edited by danielle0516 on Thursday 24th of March 2011 12:27:14 AM

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

That might come under the heading of sabotage too. Sabotaging your possible success might be a self validation for him. You fail and he says "I told you so". Maybe...maybe not; your staying true to yourself is best in the end don't you think? (((hugs))) smile

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I have spent years and years being suprized that an alcoholic projects all over me. Disengaging is such a really difficult task. Nevertheless when I do it I can find the peace and serenity I need.

Maresie.

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