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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Today Would've Been 8 Years of Marriage
Post Info TOPIC: Today Would've Been 8 Years of Marriage
delhommefan


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Today Would've Been 8 Years of Marriage
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I left my husband for good reason. Very good reason. One of the women in the meeting I went to last night said she'd been part of Al-Anon for 7 years and in all her meetings she sees about 50% of people who can and will stay married to the alcoholic and 50% who cannot and will not. I was part of the cannot/will not group. I don't hate my ex. I had already gotten past the hate by the time I left. To admit I hated him was to admit I had any feelings at all. When I walked out the door, I was numb. I'm not sad today because I miss him. In past years I have celebrated this day! But I guess some years will be different. As I start this journey in Al-Anon, I am finding myself getting more emotional about things that I was "strong" about before. It doesn't make me sad that I do not have the alcoholic in denial, making me completely crazy in my life. But it DOES make me sad that when I got married, I never ever thought in a million years it would end. I am sad for the loss of the dreams I had. I was never a white picket fence person. But I married who I thought was my soulmate and I never could've been told any different.

This would be the 3rd anniversary we've passed since being seperated. Last year it was more of a celebration to me. A celebration of my independence, of my new life. The year before I had undergone surgery 2 days prior so I was just completely drugged. This is the first anniversary I have felt like this. I hope it's a good thing and just part of the healing process that goes along with recovery.

Lori

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pinkchip


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It does sound like healing. Glad you took the time to share this.

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hotrod


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Dear Lori


Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this very special day.  I can realy identify with the "Loss Of the Dream" and the pain associated with that.    Owning it, feeling it and sharing it went a great distance in healing it

I am glad you are here.

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
maryjane


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Hi,
I had a 40th wedding anniversary last Saturday. He is in AA and I am in AlAnon (both for 11 yrs.) We went out with normie friends. I agree that divorce in AlAnon is about 50/50 and I would never be able to predict from our meetings who would stay and who would leave. It is such a personal thing and depends so much on other factors.... like finances, children, other family, age, sex, job, how hard each work the steps of the program.... and on and on.

I also identify with your "loss of the dream". I wish my hubby was my soulmate, but unfortunately he is incapable. He is too self-centered and my loss of trust in him has been verified over and over. When I realized that I no longer respected him, that was one of my bottom moments.

I'm glad you shared your story.

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maryjane
Debilyn


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Lori your post is heartbreaking. Many of us here have felt those exact feelings.

I loved my ex AH from the second I saw him, and him me. I was 16 or 17. I am 58 now. I NEVER doubted my love for him. When we finally got married in 99 I didn't believe anything could part us. We finally thru deaths, birth, war, etc were together! We were sooooo happy!

Sadly brain surgery and the disease took him away from me and me away from him. I too NEVER would have thought I would be alone without him.

I believe in soulmates. Even though I was married to someone else for awhile, whom I did love, I always had that strong connection for my ex ah.

The disease took yours away from you. Does not mean he was not your soulmate. I am sure he was. I am sure if he was not sick you would be together.

Of course it is normal to feel what you do! If you feel it, then ya do. You are working thru some stuff you need to.

Myself I don't pay attention to dates as it sets me up. As I get older, geez I would be sad every day almost with all the death and etc!

Please treat yourself tenderly. Lori, I am not kidding. My first husband died 30 years ago and just night before last I dreamed of him again. Then I feel icky all day. Some things never go away. Some deaths we never get over. Just how it is. But we learn to cope.

I many times will go get me some flowers to bring in for a bit then plant. Just do nice things for me....

Hoping you find some comfort. love,deb

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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
canadianguy


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I think it is definitely all part of the healing....  I had to learn (over lots of time, lol), that it was "okay" to grieve the loss of my marriage..... I wasn't missing my AW, nor did I ever really want to get back together - for me it was more of the 'broken dreams', and the loss of what I had anticipated my life & relationships to be.....   I can remember my counsellor, almost yelling at me (after hearing me go back & forth about a gazillion times over the previous few months):

"Tom, you are grieving the loss of a white picket fence marriage, but guess what - yours is/was NOT a white picket fence marriage!!"

Growth is good.... sometimes challenging & painful, but always good.....  Good for you on getting to your first meeting.... you'll find them more and more valuable and important to you as you go to more....

Tom

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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

"What you think of me is none of my business"

"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"

 

 

 

 
GailMichelle


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I believe what you are feeling is all part of the healing process.

Also, I have discovered that to feel my negative feelings takes courage & strength, instead of trying to find some activity to distract me from feeling them. 

Nowadays, I allow myself to feel the unwanted feelings, acknowledge them and do my best to let them go.  I  had spent years, more than I want to admit, of suppressing my unwanted feelings.  They just got me deeper into my denial.

You are doing well.

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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light.  Lama Surya Das

Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die.  Malachy McCourt
White Rabbit


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I don't know about the divorce rate in Alanon, but I've heard it speculated that the divorce rate in the general population is 50/50. :)

I fully understand about the loss of the dream - for sure.

Good post - glad you're here!


Summer

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I can't fix my broken mind with my broken mind.
flopadopilus


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I too had a hard day on my anniversary when it came and went. However I was glad to be finally feeling my feelings and letting them go. I had them all backed up so that I wouldn't open the floodgates for a looong time. And I cried through many of my first Al-anon meetings, but everyone understood and were loving. I am glad to hear you are feeling your feelings and it sounds like part of the healthy healing process af letting go of old hopes and dreams. May you make newer and better ones for your future. I am so glad to hear you sound like you are on your way! With your HP all is possible!

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God grant me the serenity 
To accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference. 

Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
maresie


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I was in a relationship with the now ex A for over 7 years.  I've been out of that relationship for coming up to 4 years.  Getting out was far far harder than getting in.  I attach quickly fiercely and don't let go.  Letting of of the failure (what would have been success I don't know but I lable it as a failure). 

The ex A was alternately dismissing, completely uncommitted and demanding.  There was no balance, no sense of give and take and no clarity in the relationship at any time.  There was plenty of blame, fear, fantasy and day in day out chaos.  Yet in my denial I feel like I lost something letting go of the elements of fantasy that it "could" have amounted to something. 

I have found it hard to be out on my own but living with him and allowing alcoholism to decimate my life was far far harder.

 

Maresie.



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maresie
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