Friend is distant since starting AA is this normal? - Al-Anon Family Group

helpinghand56 · Member

Friend is distant since starting AA is this normal?

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

In my experience it depends on the person. Ones recovery is very personal.

Also its one thing to support, and another to be constantly reminding them. I don't know if you are mentioning his goal every time you communicate with him.

I know the A's I have known, think its the first thing on peoples mind wondering if they are using or not.

So I would just text or whatever about other things. If he brings it up great. If not then cool.

This guy from school and I have been emailing for awhile now. He decided to quit drinking. Is in some kind of mens group and other supports.

I don't ever ask him about it. If anything he needs a break from it as I am sure he thinks about it enough.

Maybe he needs some private time. Nothing personal. I know when the ex AH was in his recovery time, after years, liked to be with just me. He wouldn't even call his mother back. Sure did not mean he did not care about his mom or appreciate her.

You are a great friend and he knows it. I am sure he knows inside and thinks about you are one person he can depend on.

It may be a one sided relationship for awhile.

This for me is ok as I have no expectations, but am glad if they do contact me.

Great question. love,deb

helpinghand56 · Member

Thanks for the insight. I have been struggling with what to say. I didn't want to continually bring up his recovery, but at the same time didn't want him to think I didn't care enough to ask. I had tried to focus on words of encouragement like "I believe in you" "You can do it" etc. Do you think that was wrong?

I think I will focus on lighter topics in my messages. I had started sending silly jokes and talking about my days. Maybe that is a better approach to show him I care.

The idea I could be doing harm to him just kills me. Its the last thing I ever want to do.

Thanks again Deb.

Anyone else with insight please let me know.

-- Edited by helpinghand56 on Sunday 20th of March 2011 09:31:50 PM

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Your friend is learning to live sober and is what i lovingly call Stark Raving Sober head is all over the place hanging on by a thread .. it takes awhile for them to calm down so relax and let him find his way , he knows your there for him this is his trip leave it with him .

helpinghand56 · Member

Thanks Abbyal

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Speaking as an alcoholic....Yes it is normal and no, it wouldn't hurt to drop a note and say...I know you are busy and recovery takes a lot out of you in the start....Just wanted to check in.... Something like that would probably be much appreciated.

He is meeting many new people and making a new support network. Sometimes it comes at the expense of unintentionally not keeping up with the support you already had. Just my take on it.

Mark

helpinghand56 · Member

Thanks Mark.

I have focused my messages on that topic. Like "I know you have a lot on your plate, but I know you can do it" etc. Hoping that helps.

I have tried to avoid pleading for a message from him as to not make him think I assume he has relapsed etc. Which I do not think, just that the not knowing eats away at me because I care. Just a tough line ot walk

helpinghand56 · Member

THANK YOU to you all.

I finally see that I need to let his process be HIS process amd i can not fix anything for him.

I was very happy to find out today that he is in an inpatient program and not trying to do it all on his own.

I plan on attending some online meetings unless/until I am able to find a local group that I can attend instead.

Thank you all again so very much. It helps just knowing I'm not alone in this situation.

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