Thoughts on a problem - Al-Anon Family Group

Loubelou · Member

Thoughts on a problem

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Since they're your friends and not his, I think that in "normal" life, you'd be the one to tell them whether he can come or can't come. In addition, relying on someone who's gone off the rails to get in touch with someone and refuse an invitation sounds like one of those expectations that breeds resentment. And if you show up and it turns out he hasn't told them he's not coming, you'll be in an awkward positon, with people asking, "Where's X? He couldn't come at the last minute? Oh no! I hope he's all right?" Etc. etc.

I think if I were in your shoes I'd just call up and say, "I'm afraid X can't come after all. So I wanted to let you know." If they say, "Oh, too bad, did he have an accident?" or something, you can say, "No, he just can't make it." Then repeat over and over as much as they ask, if they do. But probably just saying, "I'm so excited -- is the dress finished?" or something will turn the conversation to different matters.

It's awkward having one of those on-again-off-again relationships. I sure know how that goes. I hope you go to the wedding and have a great time.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Good question.

I thought about it. I put myself in his place. I am an adult. If "I" chose to simplify my life, then it is "my" responsibility to do so. This is what a mature adult would do right? So to agree with him and tell them for him, to me is enabling. Doing for him what he can do for himself.

If I were in your shoes, I would go to the bride and let her know, only becuz they have to pay for every plate at the reception.I like how Mattie put it. IF they are not paying for the reception plates, I would not share it with them.

However I would not tell the A I did tell them. When he asks, its not a lie to say, I believe it is YOUR responsibility to let them know.

Whether you let them know or not, does not take him off the hook.

A's learn nothing if everyone makes excuses to enable them. NOT saying you are. Just saying it as fact.

I am sad for you. A's tend to do this, or they go and ruin it for everyone. I know we want to have them want to come with us. big sigh.

Love,deb

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Been there done that one way too many times . If it were me because of the reason you mentioned in your post it would save your friend the cost of one dinner I would let her know he will not be attending , and as to answering questions about why he isnt there ,what i did was when asked instead of making up a lie I simply said * I dont know why he didnt want to come you can ask him next time you see him * That worked for me the conversation can then be directed to another subject . good luck and enjoy your friends wedding . Louise

delhommefan · Veteran Member

I personally think it's his responsibility. I understand that you are in a tough position because this is your friend, and you want her to know what is going on. However, I think most people aren't too focused on missing one person from their headcount on their wedding day. I know I barely even remember who was at my wedding...we were just kind of focused on us. And in the end I think the bride would put that responsibility on your boyfriend, not you, especially given the circumstances. I'm sure if you talk to her after her wedding and let her in on what's going on, she would, and should, understand. That's just my opinion. I'm sorry he's putting you through that. Sounds like the best thing to do right now is practice those detachment skills (easier said than done I know...) and let him be responsible for his own things. And let him know if he isn't going, he will need to let the couple know. (((HUGS)))

Lori

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