Power of Attorney - Al-Anon Family Group

gladysg · Member

Power of Attorney

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

This is a complicated situation and I'm sure others will have helpful things to say.

As I'm sure you know, Al-Anon encourages us to put the focus back on ourselves and on protecting the only person we can, ourselves. You don't mention whether you have your own job and income. My alcoholic husband was a compulsive spender as well as irresponsible with money generally. Fortunately the house was in my name alone so I knew I'd always have a roof over my head. (I also had a job and knew my income was enough to make the house payments.)

It's harder if you rely on him for the only income. It sounds as if he's not willing to get his finances in order, which means that you can only protect yourself. For me that would mean keeping my finances as separate as possible. I'm surprised that you don't have access to at least one joint account -- that suggests to me that he wants to hide what he's doing with the money. This would be par for the course for most addicts. I know you say he's not technically an alcoholic but I wouldn't be surprised if there weren't some addiction in there, even if it were "only" a non-sustance addiction like gambling. Anyway, it doesn't matter what he's caught up in so much as it's important for you to take care of yourself.

Others can say more, but in my understanding there's no "power of attorney" you can get if he's legally competent. What you can get is signed on to his accounts, but that's only if he's willing. If he's not willing (which sounds like the case) --- well, it sounds as if the insanity that so many of us know has taken over. That would lead me to wonder if the marriage is all that a marriage should be. I think it might be wise to consult a lawyer about your options here, and especially so you won't be liable if he goes further into the financial black hole, which sounds very possible.

I'm so sorry this is happening. Please keep taking care of yourself and getting support from Al-Anon.

gladysg · Member

Thanks for your response. I work. Used to have a transcription business that went caput because he started controlling my time working. I now work mostly for others and would struggle if I leave. I did tell him about 6 months ago that I was giving him until 2012 and then I'm going. I have a townhouse which he tried to make me sell and I didn't. I have tenants in there, and it is well kept. I am thinking of finding a place to live until I can increase my salary. Then I can move back into my townhome. Honestly, I don't want power of attorney. I just want to walk away. I have given it enough time. It's not just the illness, it's the way he thinks. Marriage is only for his benefit. That's not a marriage. I've done my best so I'm not beating myself up. Just was trying to give it 1 more try (his cooperating). Now it's time to make a plan. It's just that his life is going to crumble. I can't control this, though. We all need help at times in our lives. There's no shame in that. He's out of control and doesn't know it nor can I help him to realize it.

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

If you put your name on his bank accounts then your name and credit history will be affected when he doesn't pay his bills. If he goes NSF in his bank account, its your NSF as well. Be careful.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Wecome Gladys.

I can share with you that power of attorney may be different state to state.

My ex AH signed one for me, and he checked all the boxes as to what I could control.

But he had to agree to sign. I doubt you can get one without his signature.
Unless you can get him declared incompetent.

I tell ya, if you put your name on an account with him, it may ruin your credit. he may just take all the money out anyway.

I had the opposite you do. My name was on things only. BUT he still got my debit card and made a huge mess. To this day I cannot get a check account. My credit was perfect until he, after years of sobriety, had a brain tumor surgery, medically relapsed, and I lost everything. His disease took it all. Even now years later I am losing my home. I struggled for years, just recently decided I had to let it go.

I could fight it, but I have more important things to do than spend time in the courts.

What would it hurt to give it a try? I mean to get control of things?

Myself I did everything so I would have no regrets. Hung in there as long as I could. The disease made him such an abusive person, that and brain damage, so I had to give up. He moved in with this other addict, female so that was that.

I hope you will keep coming. The things you learn here can help you so much. We are here to support you, listen to you when you need us! Vent anytime.

Love,debilyn

gladysg · Member

Wow! This has opened my eyes. I am fussing and worrying but could be digging a big hole for myself. Thanks for the insight.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

It is controlling and manipulative however controlling and being manipulative isn't
always a "terrible" thing especially when it comes to protecting legitimate self
interest. I'm sure it will take an attorney and family or civil court and proceedure
and the right motive which is - your - self interest and that is legitimate. It has
got to be difficult for sure and easier if like when I did it I was separated from my
alcoholic however it is doable. Go after it with the boundaries that it must be fair,
honest and just and then turn it over to your Higher Power and follow thru toward
some acceptable outcome. Imagine also that he might not participate in it as
you would like or expect. That is another issue. If he is doing what you say he
is doing and doing it that way respect for others and maturity seem to be missing.

Got a sponsor? (((((hugs))))) smile

PS...when I was separated from my alcoholic wife she could not ride my credit nor
would I surrender my income for the bills she was not paying. When the car people
called for payment I told them to pick up the car instead.

-- Edited by Jerry F on Saturday 19th of March 2011 09:47:03 PM

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.