Gettingby,

The first thing we are told when we walk through the doors of Al-Anon is to...."Always Take Care of Ourselves First". I'm glad you have your program and HP to guide you. Now is the time to hold on to both.

When we are in the middle, I sometimes call that being in "the bubble" it's hard to see and think clearly. To take yourself out of "the bubble" you might ask yourself what you would recomend if it were your daughter experiencing physical and verbal abuse from her husband?

Alcoholism is a progressive disease, it only continues to get worse, never better. Emotional, verbal, or physical abuse is unacceptable and uncalled for in any situation. Do the next right thing for you and your children whatever that might entail.

HUGS,
RLC

-- Edited by RLC on Friday 18th of March 2011 03:55:18 PM

Getting by,

I dont have to tell you to protect yourself, you know all that intellectually, its difficult to understand it in your heart.

I finally separated from the XAH after 26 years, so I know what your going thru. He did get physical one time, because I tried to stop
him from getting in the car while extremely intoxicated. So you know better than to get in their face when drunk. You said this was
unprovoked, only showing that his disease is getting progressively worse and will continue from there.

You are right of course to make your boundaries. When I finally made the decision to separate it was on my terms and I was financially
ok. If you feel that you are threatened you must not put up with physical abuse.

I know you said you hate to separate your family, but sometimes we have to deal with the reality, sometimes we have to teardown to build up and
it doesnt mean its forever.

Luv, Bettina

I am so, so sorry to hear you're in this situation.

My AH (now ex AH) was a binge drinker too, and I can identify with your situation so much.  He could go nine months without a drink, and I'd think, "Phew!  The problem is gone at last!"  Sometimes he declared that he'd been to AA and he had total control; sometimes he would say that he didn't need AA because he had total control.  I think once he went a couple of years without seeming to take a drink (although now I know there was secret drinking going on, he'd carry tiny bottles around with him and disappear mysteriously at various times, etc.) -- so I was really blindsided when it would emerge again, usually worse than ever.  I didn't know anything about alcoholism at the beginning of this and so I was totally confused and in the dark.  I'm so glad you found Al-Anon at an earlier stage than I did.

And I'm also glad that you're protecting yourself from the escalation of the alcoholism.  And your kids.  I've known so many situations where both parents said that the alcoholic would never, ever hit the kids -- until they did.  (Not that it's okay for the kids to see the alcoholic "only" hitting the other parent.  Just to say that from everything I've seen you're very wise to stop this in its tracks and protect your family.)

When I decided to separate from my AH, I had put off the decision for a long time because I was so confused.  So by the time I did it, I knew for certain that it was the best decision -- I had thought it over a thousand times.  That didn't stop me from having a panic attack the day he moved out.  I thought, "What if this is the wrong decision?  What if I regret this?  What if I can't handle being a single parent?  [We had a two-year-old child.]  What if I fall apart?  What if I can't live on my own?"  And many more questions.

I surprised myself by never once regretting my decision.  I had a lot of anger and emotions, but I was so relieved not to have the alcoholism in my face any more.  No more anxiety about what state he'd come home in.  No more embarrassing scenes in front of others.  No more listening to him slur his words and wondering (despite his protests) if he was drinking or if I (as he insisted) was paranoid.  No more trying to control his drinking.  No more worrying about what our child was seeing.  No more unpredictability in the day and the schedule.  It was all up to me, but it was all in my control -- so no more chaos.

I hope the same lies ahead for you.  It helped me a lot to get a big support system of other parents (I just foisted myself upon them and invited their kids over and set up lots of childcare exchanges!).  It was such a relief that these people, some of whom were pretty new in my life, were so much more reliable and unchaotic than my longtime husband.

There is also the fact that we tend to get codependent and addicted to the alcoholic and the chaos, despite our best efforts.  The insanity doesn't leave anyone untouched.  So the leaving can set off feelings that we can't cope.  It's probably like what the alcoholic feels when they try to give up alcohol.  Every cell in their body is screaming for the things to go back they way they were.  I try to remember this when I feel myself slipping into the old unhealthy thoughts: "If only... if I had just ... it was so nice when we ..."

Keep protecting yourself and your precious kids.  Hugs to you.

     I am sorry to hear that you are in the midst of such trying times.  You are not alone. Continuing to reach out will provide much needed support.  There are many who have had similar experiences and worse and learned to handle it with dignitiv and faith with the help their HP and the strength of Al-anon.  Domestic violence is an issue to be taken very seriously.  I grew up hearing my mother tell me "if someone hits you once it will be easier the next time around so don't give them a second chance."   Although my mother was never physically abused, I guess it was her way of trying to protect me since she had seen her oldest daughter bear the bruises and scars that she didn't want to see on me in the distance future. She wouldn't know it then but her advice would later save my life. 
     Like my sister, I had my own lessons to learn, and chose an unhealthy partner. My first marriage ended after the the first punch primarily because of my mother's wisdom and because I knew from observing my sister's experience that time would not make it better.  It was also clear that kidding myself into thinking he would change was just another form of self-destructive behavior. How I knew that at the time, was only a matter of divine intervention.  
     Seven years later, I had renewed hope when I met my second husband in recovery and we had two children.  Unfortunately, he decided to stop practicing his recovery one day and went down the all too familiar self-detructive road that practicing alcoholics tend to travel. When we stopped living together, his initial choice to get off the wagon would grow into a two year saga of violent threats that had me fearing for mine and my children's lives.  It would later end with his suicide. 
     There is little doubt that I and possibly my children would not be hear today were it not for the Al-anon program.  What got me through it was my HP, working the steps, and sticking close to people in recovery.  It allowed me to provide a stable life for my children while keeping the focus on me and what I could change in myself.  It was vitally important that I NOT REACT or ESCALATE situations by calmly removing myself from conflict, mimimizing contact, and not engaging in bargaining. I projected a non-threatning inner strength and understanding with my HP guiding every decision and interaction. I kept my side of the street clean and doing so allows me to live in peace without guilt or remorse.  I have peace because I know I didn't do anything to add to the obvious pain he was in nor did I cause him to make such a tragic choice.  Perhaps most valuable to me is that my children know it too, perhaps,  because I never laid it on them or made them choose by speaking ill of him even to this day.  Although everyone's experience is uniquely there own, I hope you find something of use to you here.  I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Annie Em