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I got an urgent e-mail this afternoon from one of my wife's friends saying she needs to speak to me about something "urgent and important". This friend does not know my wife has a drinking problem or goes to AA. She said she couldn't live with herself if she didn't do something knowing the kids may be in harms way.
My guess is she is going to tell me my wife is drinking. I haven't seen any evidence of this although I've had my fears & suspicions.
If my wife is indeed drinking and driving with the kids (which would be the case as the only time my wife sees this friend is when she is with the kids), then I will need to confront her. I could use some guidance and suggestions and support on the best way to do this. I know my wife is going to deny it, and I know she's going to ask me what makes me think she is drinking. I don't want to put her friend in an awkward spot but without telling her that is why I am bringing this up then she'll just deny it.
I know that I'm supposed to focus on me but my kids aren't safe and I need to do something. Any suggestions would be appreciated, thank you.
I have had my A drink and drive with our son in the vehicle. I have also had him emotionally abuse our son. I hold a very different perspective than many I hear in Al-anon.
I feel it is my duty as a parent to protect my child from abuse in any form no matter who is involved. I did not talk to my A about the situation as he would have just lied, denied and or manipulated. I took action and did not allow my A to drive with our son. We were not together at the time, so that meant court action for me and he lost his parental rights.
I also feel that emotional abuse is not okay. I hear many say that the relationship with the other parent and our child is none of my business and I have to guide my child to be able to deal with that. I do agree, however protecting my child from a situation that stunts them emotionally when they should be growing emotionally does them no good, and I feel I am also not parenting.
Focusing on me does not mean neglecting my role as a parent in my eyes. I might be looking for alternatives so my A could not put my children in harms way, emotionally, physically or any other way. That can mean lots of different avenues and can take lots of thought.
After living with an alcoholic for many years, in retrospect, I realize that "confronting" him was my ticket to insanity. He never, ever, ever would fess up when I confronted him. I think this is typical behavior of someone who is alcoholic.
Do you think that she would admit to drinking and driving, let along with your children in the car?
My alcoholic drove under the influence with our sons in the car. I did not learn about this until two years ago when they both told me of the stories (they are both in mid-thirites!) I never knew. He would drive under the influence with them in the car while on camping/fishing trips! I shudder to think about it.
If I knew back then what I know now and I could go back and relive those days, I would do everything in my power to make certain they did not drive with him EVER. I would not hassle with confrontation.
Focus on a solution. You can find one. so sorry you are living this nightmare!
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Safety of your kids is your most important boundary, it doesn't conflict with Al anon doctrine at all. You need to do whatever you can to stop her from driving with your kids in the car.
First things first Usedtobe.... You don't even know for sure what this friend wants to tell you.... it may well be what you suspect, but I would suggest first finding out what this urgent matter is, and then figuring out the neccesary steps T
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I met her friend after work and she confirmed my wife is drinking. Said she showed up in the morning yesterday at her house drunk. Thankfully her friend did an amazing job and made my wife sleep it off and dealt with my kids for hours.
Now I don't know what to do. The easy answer is she can't drive anymore. Not so easy to put that into place. Again, any suggestions are appreciated. Thank you.
Your wife doesn't want to be a bad mother presumably. I used to actually believe I was just as good a driver drunk as when sober and I also rationalized that I would never crash driving drunk because I never traveled that far when driving drunk. With 2 master's degrees in psychology and this is how I thought about something as black and white as drunk driving. I was in the grips of active addiction and would sell myself on anything that would allow me to keep drinking and do what I wanted. I kept doing it all the way up until I wrecked my car drunk.
Most alcoholics do need what we call "not yets" to actually start happening before they open their eyes. Your wife has been in AA before you say? She has some faith in the recovery process then I guess. Perhaps she would agree to rehab under the context that you all love her and don't want her doing anything that risks her or the family....like driving drunk...That is is not about "busting her in the act" but her disease and her safety and your kids' safety.
Relapses get worse...never better. Interventions can work if done out of love. I never would have gone to AA if not told to go by my best friend who was scared for my life.
What I'm wondering is, what is the most effective course of action at this point to keep my kids safe? Do I take her keys and tell her she isn't driving at all anymore? Do I call her sponsor? Do I take time off from work and drive the kids wherever they need to go? Unfortunately there aren't any easy answers in our case. There is no one in our immediate area who can help us. I'm going to tell her I know later tonight although I'm wondering if I should even bother.
That's the point when I took the kids out of my AW's care, and enrolled them into fulltime daycare.... It was tough financially, but it was the only solution that worked for myself and the kids..... Too many "I will never do it agains" to count.....
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I am so sorry that this new drinking episode has developed I agree that the children must be safe and that confronting an A is not worth it .
Please consider what is the best action you can take for the children and then implement it Maybe daycare, or an nanny or a trusted friend that you could pay while you are working. Remember you must take care of yourself and not be run ragged doing 2 jobs.
Make the proper arrangements so that you can do your job in peace. Ask HO for guidance . Praying for your family
Respectfully, it will not work to take another adult's keys and tell them that they cannot drive. Your AW is an adult, and can make her own decisions, however ever much anyone else would disagree with those. "Confronting," for me at least, lead to a huge amount of anger on my part because the A would just tell me whatever I wanted to hear to pacify me at the time. First time I turned my back, the old behavior was back. This cycle just perpetuated itself, and lead me further and further into craziness, as I began to check up to verify the things the other person had said. I learned that I could not confront someone else and then listen to their words. The only thing I could do was make different decisions for myself and continue to watch actions.
I agree with the other posters that suggested putting a plan in place to keep your children safe - perhaps daycare or another family member could watch them.
