Confirmed husband has been hiding drinking for months.... - Al-Anon Family Group

canyonbarb · Newbie

Confirmed husband has been hiding drinking for months....

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Was he like a really bad active alcoholic before? Is he stumbling around drunk now? I'm not sure what has you so scared. Another member here shared a similar story and I didn't understand that either. If he could control his drinking all those years (1 or 2 beers) it would seem to me he isn't alcoholic. On the other hand, maybe Whiskey and hard liquor is his real vice and you are afraid he will slowly slip back into getting trashed all the time (is that what it was like before?). Do you not believe he can drink hard liquor? Is is that you believe he is drinking more than you know? Is it the secrecy? I guess I am asking what has he done to show he can't handle his liquor over the last several years?

I know these questions should not matter from an Alanon perspective which would tell you that you need to focus on you and not his drinking, but I am just curious and want to learn. I am in AA and when I went to meetings and got into recovery, I was drinking every day, stumbling around, hurting myself, had dry heaves every morning, would have screaming fits, broke down all the time, smashed into and broke everything in the house. Hence, I am wondering what some of you guys feel is really an alcoholic cuz my definition seems to be different (though most of you do describe your alcoholic significant other as being similar to how I was).

I understand your fears cuz I would never want your husband to get to the point I did. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. Alcoholism is insideous and progressive. Drinking in secret in the day time is kinda questionable. For me though, when I was drinking I got trashed....every time. Once I started, I couldn't stop.

Mark

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I think Mark/Pinkchip may have a different perspective from many of us. In my experience, drinkers often don't understand the effect their drinking has on others -- the sense that they've "checked out," the hiding and secrecy, the lying. They often think that if they don't pass out or destroy things or the like, it's not "problem" drinking.

My exAH definitely had this attitude. His view was that he only hid his drinking because I got upset about it, because I had a warped and paranoid view of drinking and I needed to get my head fixed. He didn't know from the outside what he was like when he was drinking. Like a fixated zombie who slurred. And that was on the good drinking days. Even when he got pulled over for a DUI, he was maintaining that there was nothing wrong and he was competely sober. And it went on from there, because alcoholism is progressive: more lying, stealing, blackouts, passing out on the floor, I could go on but I won't.

I trust that you have a feel for something being wrong, and hiding the drinking would be a red flag for most of us, I would bet.

I'm so glad you're going to your group and that you have a therapist. I hope it's a therapist who's genuinely familiar with addiction issues. We went to several counselors and sadly none of them really understood alcoholism, though they all said they did. They slowed down my recovery considerably.

The "good" news is that if your husband has a problem, it will become clearer as time goes on. I think you're doing well by looking at what he does and not at what he says. That's what I didn't do for so long. I hope you can keep working your recovery and taking care of yourself. Remember you didn't cause it (his drinking), you can't cure it, and you can't control it. But you can take care of yourself. Hugs.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

You have it right on, don't react or give it any of your time. His disease is his own business. We are not their caretaker. He is an adult and has a right to make his own decisions.

We cannot control it anyway. I don't see how one could think he was hiding it as the bottle was right there in the fridge. What good would it do to say anything anyway? You know he drinks occasionally, you have encouraged it. For you to confront him does no good, plus if you did, you are giving him mixed messages.

Is it you want to be in control of what he drinks?

So honestly I don't get that you "found" out he was drinking for months...alcohol is alcohol.

I am glad you came here. Maybe we can help you to look inside to see what is really bothering you.

Love, debilyn

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Barbara:

Welcome to MIP!

You will find a lot of support and unconditional love here. I consistently do.

I understand the heartbreak of discovering your husband hiding his drinking. Lived with that for years.

Your decision to not react, but respond is what I have find to be the only sane choice. How I wish I had known that years ago!

Come back to the board as frequently as needed; this board has quite a few active members that are great to correspond with.

Take care, Gail

canyonbarb · Newbie

I saw my therapist today. She encouraged me to discuss with him the one issue that was the most upsetting. We talked and I realized that it was his hiding the drinking, the secrecy. Yes, my concern number two, is that he is drinking more often. But as was echoed in a couple of the responses, I have no right to control his drinking. Also, I have bought him alcohol, so I didn't want to send mixed messages. So as not to overwhelm him, get him totally defensive and to get my best shot at communication, I stuck to one issue today.

I told him that he didn't have to hide his drinking whiskey at the cabin from me anymore. Of course he came back with the expected that he wasn't hiding it, it was in the refridgerator door. I said that a little part of him was trying to hide it otherwise he would have mentioned it to me. I was really surprised when he admitted to that after I said it. He was sure I would make an issue out of his drinking.

I told him that I couldn't stand the smell of whiskey on his breath. I admitted it reminded me of when he would get drunk and mean. He countered with....I haven't done that in years. I asked that he tell me when he drinks so I can have the choice of kissing him with stinky breath or clean breath.

I'm sure I said lots more stuff, but the issue is now out in the open. I think he will tell me from now on when he drinks, since I didn't make a big issue of it. Yes, time will tell. I will see if he is escalating his drinking.

Thanks, I've got to go to sleep now.
Barb

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