boy friend in a bad place and I feel I am being dragged down with him . perfect oportunity to practice detachment .. here are a few suggestions from our detachment pamphlet they may help . I understand your explanation of not feeling anything and feeling cold and uncarring , for me i called that indifference I really didnt care about much of anything concerning the alcoholic in my life and that is not a healthy way to live . we learn to detach with love leave them to figure out thier own stuff and be ok regardless of what they are doing , carry on with your own life , love them , have compassion for thier struggle and learn to let go .

In Al-Anon we learn
Not to suffer because of the actions or reactions of other people.
Not to allow ourselves to be used or abused in the name of anyones recovery .
Not to do for others what they can do for themselves.
Not to manipulate situations so others will eat , pay bills, go to bed, get up , not drink.
Not to cover up for anyones mistakes or misdeeds .
Not to create a crisis
Not to prevent one if it is in the natural course of events .



When we learn to separate our stuff from theirs our lives get much easier . you too need to recover from the effects of someone elses drinking .

Aloha Lou...Detachment wasn't a short lesson for me.  It was work and it took time
mostly because outside of the rooms of Al-Anon there isn't much conversation or
practice of it.  Detachment became an art form for me and still is...I get to own me
and mind me and choose to manage my own life in spite of what others are choosing
to do with their own whether I agree with them or not.  Do I care?  Yes.  Do I get
involved?  only by choice and priority.  When I was married to the addict and then
to the alcoholic/addict life was crazy, sick and unmanagable and I was always trying
to fix it while the alcoholic/addict(s) just chose to drink and use and not participate
with me in "fixing".  They didn't see things as broken so they continued in their
behaviors.  I was hooked into making them understand, change their ways and such
so it became an obession for me my very own addiction and after a while it owned
me and I didn't.  I was living my life "because of" them.  I was expensing my life
and energy to have a life as a result of them working or behaving as was fitting of
my value system.  Their values were different as where their choices and their
consequences however if you looked at me you could not tell where the addict/
alcoholic left off and I started I was completely entrenched in "them".  If some
one asked me how I was my response was a "we" response and not an "I" response.

I was dying because they were using and drinking.  I even used and drank with
my alcoholic/addict wife and the disease progressed within me also. 

I use to think and say that I needed to be surgically separated from my addicted
family, friends and spouses and little did I know that there is a spiritual surgery
that could have me do that.  Detachment.  Detachment isn't abandonment it is
acknowledging that while my spouse is having a life I am also and it doesn't have
to be the very same life my spouse is having.  I can love her unconditionally and
support her and not be enmeshed from time to time.  Before Al-Anon I was totally
enmeshed. 

I learned detachment on three contiguous levels; the first was with anger and
resentment.  Anger and resentment kept me beyond arms length of my alcoholic/
addict spouse and was the energy I needed to be out of her space...to leave her
alone and not participate in the relationship as sick as it was then.
Then as I learned more about alcoholism and addiction being a disease I moved
on to detachment with compassion and understanding.  I felt empathy for her
and powerlessness for myself.  There was no way I could fix a disease and the only
sick person I could do anything about was myself but not while I was trying to fix
her at the same time.
Then I learned detachment with love...unconditional love...the complete and total
acceptance of this human being for exactly who she was.  I got out of God's and
my alcoholic's way and let the two of them meet without my interference.  I learned
I had a choice to marry her but not a mandate to cure and fix her.  She was a raging
alcoholic when I met her and I made a very bad choice by getting involved.

Detachment is honoring my current wife gets to stand in her own light, make her
own choices, have her own personality and character without feeling responsible to
or for me.  I of course get the very same thing often times called personal freedom.
A short while ago my wife notified me that tomorrow she was going to coffee with a
friend at a certain time.  She wasn't asking permission or feedback she was showing
respect by giving me awareness as I have by letting her know where I will be. Neither
of us will be doing anything that sheds shadows on our relationship and though we
will be in different parts of the county doing different things with different people our
relationship will continue to grow and be strong.

Unconditional love has a ton to do with carrying this out and that is for another time.

Good post...I'm now listening.   (((hugs)))

Detach with love to me means that you let God or the higher power of your understanding deal with his alcoholism to the best of your ability. Sometimes it helps to create a God box to do this. You get like a shoe box and decorate it up. You then write "ABF to stop drinking" along with your other worries/wishes and things you are trying to control that you cannot really control and put them in the God box. When you find yourself trying to influence anything in the God box, you remember that you already handed the issue over to God (detached with love/step 3) and you just let go.

The first 3 steps in a nutshell, 1. I cant, 2. He can, 3. I think I will let him.

Your HP or God can influence and help your ABF with his alcoholism....Your HP or God will also give you the answers on what to do in the relationship when the time comes. This doesn't mean it will always be easy or the answers will always be what you want, but you can trust that your HP has the answers. SO.....knowing all this, you can detach with love and not be so worried or feel such urgency to control things.

Then you can really start to live the following: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Hope this helps.

Jerry,

Thank you for sharing your experience on detachment in reponse to Loubelu.  It is music to my ears.  Since I am a chronically ill single parent and haven't had the luxury of meetings for a number of years my lack of program really shows.  Especially since my teenage daughter became an abuser and I started riding that gosh darn roller coaster back into my own self-made hell.  I am so glad to have found this online Al-anon option.  It is awsome to hear the sounds recovery again! 

Annie