"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

Nutbar · Veteran Member

At my wits end, please help......

Rora · Senior Member

Hello and welcome.

I can relate to having anxiety and I found that living with an A did heighten my anxiety in many ways. I've heard it said here and in meetings that going to the A for emotional support is a lot like going to the hardware store for bread. And I've experienced that first hand. I had to reach an understanding that expecting the A to meet my emotional needs was unrealistic.

Many of us are here are very generous people and we come to realize that we gave and gave and gave well past what was healthy to do so. For me alanon has been an experience of learning about limits and learing to be giving to myself by way of self care.

There will be many people here who will share their incredible ESH (experience, strength and hope). They've been so inspiring and helpful for me. I hope you will find the same.

Rora

Nutbar · Veteran Member

Many thanks Rora, I really appreciate your reply. Yes, I agree about the self care as I haven't done anything for myself in years.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Nutbar

Welcome I understand your pain and know that the tools I learned in alanon helped me to live with the disease of alcoholism with courage, serenity and wisdom

It is really important to break the isolation and seek support from others who understand You can locate face to face meetings in your community by going to
the following link:

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html

Come here also we have on line meeetings her and a chat room open 24/7.

Alcoholism is a disease that we did not cause, cannot control and cannot cure. Drinking is only a symptom of this disease. We who live or have lived with alcoholism need a recovery program as we also have become infected.

I urge you to join us and learn how to Focus on Yourself, Live One day at a time, Detach and to Act and not React

Keep coming back you are worth it

-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 17th of March 2011 08:54:14 AM

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't know enough about you or your relationship to say what you should do exactly. You and your therapist need to work out the triggers for your anxiety and deal with them. Even if your wife is the trigger for some of these things, you still need to learn to deal with it. Alcoholism does wreck marriages, but when a person stops drinking, they change radically and go through lots of phases. Keep working on your own issues and develop coping skills to deal with the anxiety. In an ideal world. You want to be as high functioning as you can be. You want to be able to function just fine with or without your wife. That way you are with her purely out of love and purely out of choice. You can then truly share time together and not NEED each other. As a newly sober person, she is not the best person for you to cling to for support anyhow.

Be the best you that you can be. Looking to blame and looking to be propped up by your wife is going to keep some of the sickness going. I know this might sound judging but it is just what I have learned about healthy relationships in my time in the program. YOU can make yourself happy and then you can either identify with and enjoy time with your wife or not. It's so hard to stick to this and I have problems with always keeping that mentality myself, but it is best and it stops the blaming and dependency merry go round that was part of the tumultuous relationships I had when actively drinking and with another alcoholic.

I really hope this helps and I feel for you as a person that has had serious anxiety issues myself...It has not been easy to learn how to cope with them but I do my best.

Mark

Nutbar · Veteran Member

HI Pinkchip,

Thank you very much. I think you are so right. I am very high functioning however due to the anxiety a part of me is too reliant on my wife. Anxiety is just awful however I'm starting to learn the triggers. I appreciated your honest answer. Thank you.

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi - your situation sounds fairly similar to what I went through, and both my ex-AW and I had to learn NOT to use each other as our sponsors.... Leaning on an active, or a newly recovered A for emotional support is not typically successful. My sponsor used to remind me that my AW was "hanging on for dear life" to get herself sober, and so she certainly didn't have the depth or ability to help (emotionally) take care of me....

I was always told, in time,as we both grew deeper in our respective recoveries, that there would be the opportunity to rebuild the relationship.... I left her approximately 16 months after she got sober, as I didn't see any light at the end of the tunnel... Not to say that yours is the same - I think the key is patience.... Lean on your recovery team/group for your emotional validation, at least for awhile.....

Just my experience
Tom

Nutbar · Veteran Member

Hi Tom,

Thanks for your advice. I have learnt more from the team here than anywhere else. This disease is absolutely intriguing as I recently found out that many children of alcoholics go on to marry alcoholics. That was my situation as my father is an alcoholic and my upbringing was like being bought up in a military division! I focus on the children as much as possible to ensure every chance is given to break the cycle. Thanks again for taking the time to reply.

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

I love your nick name * i can relate * before making any life altering decissions such as divorcing and moving on , please try our program for a few months and see how u feel about things then . Find f2f meetings for yourself and learn how to take care of you in a healthy way . Alcoholism is a very selfish disease and in a way I understand your wifes saying your blaming her for your unhappiness , blame gets you no where except more miserable . She has to look after herself or she will drink again AA is what is keeping her sober . You too need to recover from this disease and Al-Anon will help you do that , listening to and talking to people who understand exactly how you feel is a gift . Your wife is never going to truley understand how her drinking has affected your life any more than you are going to understand her compulsion to drink , Al-Anons understand and they listen with out judgment no advice we come to our own conclusions simply by sharring . Six months is not along time to give yourself the gifts this program can bring to you and your family . Louise

Nutbar · Veteran Member

Thanks Louise. It didn't take me long to think of my name! I thought that f2f meetings were predominantly made up of women whose husbands currently drink rather than husbands of recovering wives like myself. I'm pretty vulnerable right now and don't really want to get into emotional discussions with unhappily married women. I think there's a prayer that says something like " lead not to temptation"! It may sound silly but if someone of the opposite sex started giving me support right now then I'd probably end up crossing the line or getting hit over the head with a handbag for trying to cross the line! At least I'm aware of my limitations I suppose. There are no mens Al Anon groups in my area.
By the way, I really appreciate everyones honest advice here. I need to look after myself as I think due to anxiety issues I'm forever appeasing other people.

Lala03044 · Member

I feel for you because sadly, the truth is sinking in about my husband. He's been sober 9 years and I am grateful for that. I'm grateful to be living in a non drinking household.

However, it most recently (light dawns on marble head) that my husband is a dry drunk and not emotionally available.....

And so I do what I can to take care of myself, pray to hp, and keep coming to alanon,

take care,

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Nutbar...LOL! You actually have some good stuff still intact...vision and perspectives
and that's good cause many of us arrive at our first introduction to Al-Anon with
nothing but smoke trailing. I've been in for a while and I am male. Your perception
of the program being made up of women with drinking husbands was at one time
my own however when I really needed support those women were there for me and
saved my butt. I kept respectable boundaries mostly because I didn't have much
more room to screw up. There wasn't much left of me and my alcoholic/addict wife
was still out there doing what the disease suggested she do. She had a period of
sobriety or dryness but I talked her out of that and earned the nasty consequences.

Al-Anon is for men and there are tons of us in the rooms today and hundreds of
pounds of us here at MIP. They will introduce themselves and their recovery is
second to none. The fact that they are sane and can speak in complete sentences
is proof enough for me that I need to sit and listen to stuff other than I think I
know. The men help men. We are not alone now and never have to feel that way
again. We didn't cause this disease; we can't control it and we cannot cure it in
any way.

Find out where and when we meet together in your area by calling the hotline number
which is in the white pages of your local phone book under Al-Anon and then get
there as quickly as you can. Keep coming back here (((hugs))) smile

Nutbar · Veteran Member

Jerry you are a winner, thanks for your advice. I'm pleased you think I still have some good stuff still intact. I'll do as you say and go to a local meeting and maintain respectable boundaries! I just feel a little embarrassed going to Al Anon now that my wife has been sober one year as most people there will no doubt have spouses who are still heavily boozing. Gosh this is hard, just when you think it's on the mend it turns to custard on you. Enough to turn a man to drink! (jokes

many thanks once again Jerry.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Nutbar, a large portion of folks that go to alanon have partners that are sober for a long time. They go to alanon cuz they see how well AA works for their partner and they want the same tools. They go because it is a related fellowship and they can then bring recovery ideals into the relationship and make it even stronger. They also go because many alcoholics (even after being sober for years) still have what we call "isms" and those are hard to deal with for the partners also. Just cuz the booze is gone does not mean the alcoholic is now perfect and easy to deal with. I have been sober for 2 and a half years. It wouldn't phase me if my BF went to alanon for support or to learn to deal with my annoyingness lol. Some people at the meetings might talk and complain about their partners' active drinking. Those on a higher plane with more time in the program will be focused on self, self-improvement, self-growth, and spirituality.

Nutbar · Veteran Member

Thanks pinkchip! That is really helpful information. Well done on your 2.5 years by the way!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"