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Ok I'm going to try to keep this short because if I described all the craziness that happened it would take me forever and trigger me and I wouldn't be in a good place bringing it all back up. My ex-abf broke up with me months ago which at the time I thought was the worst thing that ever happened to me because I was so emotionally dependent and used to being miserable and didn't think I could get through it. Anyways, I started coming to this board and reading others experiences which helped me realize how unhealthy the situation was and started realizing reality instead of how I WANTED things to be.
Anyways, my ex-abf asked his ex-gf out when we were still together. I didn't find this out until AFTER he broke-up with me. One of my friends forwarded all the messages to me. One of the messages said I finally got rid of my gf and said he was serious when he talked to her before about going out on a date and was looking forward to their future that will never end. Well one of the other messages was written from my ex-abf brother and it was to the same girl my ex-abf wrote to saying he was embarrassed that he found out that she liked his brother, my ex-abf, because he was wondering why she never answered his calls and that he kind of liked her too. This message was dated when me and my ex-abf were still together and he was sending me text messages saying he loved me so much and was so happy that I was in his life. Blah, blah, blah. The NEXT week he sent me a text saying he wanted to start dating other people and accusing ME of cheating. At the time I didn't know why he was acting so weird and accusing me of cheating out of the blue for no reason.
Anyways, when I found out what he did after he broke-up with me I confronted him about what he did and of course he denied it for weeks. Then he told me to get over it and he didn't love me and never wanted to be with me and that there is someone out that for me!
Well now I have a bf and I am happy he is mad and says that I'm the one that didn't really care because I already have a bf. Let me get this straight he is mad and hurt bc I moved on after he asked someone out while we were still together saying that HE finally got rid of me to that chick telling me he doesn't love me anymore NOW suddenly it's my fault.
Someone please explain the mind games he is using so I will be prepared and not fall into his trap again. PLEASE. Thanks
I know this message sounds pathetic and dysfunctional. I'm not trying to wallow in the past or be a drama queen. I'm really not. It would just help me find some peace to understand why A's play these games. What is their motivation? To feel better about themselves? Do they perhaps enjoy upsetting people?
Hi: First, your post is not pathetic. I do understand. I could feel the frustration as I read it and was reminded of the many years I tried to understand my ex-AH's motives.
I understand the desire to want to know what motivates an alcoholic. My years of seeking the answer yielded only more frustration. What I've found to be productive is to focus on me and ask myself what are my intentions, what is best for me, etc.
Placing the focus on me sounded so absurd, so selfish at first - actually, for many years I thought that. But after I was really beaten to a pulp I began to little by little place the focus on me and I'm discovering that it is far more productive for me, others, and even my ex-AH.
In addition, I'm not certain that if I knew why he did what he did, and why he continues to do what he does would actually bring me peace.
One other thing, I don't knock myself out trying to understand anymore because it is "his" job to figure out what motivates him.
I hope others can explain it better. I don't want to add to your frustrations. Gail
-- Edited by GailMichelle on Wednesday 16th of March 2011 05:49:52 PM
-- Edited by GailMichelle on Wednesday 16th of March 2011 05:55:25 PM
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
I think some will say that why he does it doesn't matter, and that the important thing is that you need to take care of yourself. That's true. I also understand the need to get your mind around what's happened. Here's my view on why they play all these mind games:
1. The alcoholism and their own emotional difficulties make them lose the bigger perspective. They feel whatever they feel intensely at the time. If they don't want you, they think it's Truth and they won't want you forever. Then two days later something may change and now they feel as if they want you, and they think that is Truth and they'll want you forever. And it goes on. They never step back from their feelings and think, "What is going on here? What is the real situation? Why are my feelings changing so rapidly? What does this mean?" They just believe whatever feeling they're having at that moment.
2. They're addicted to chaos. I think we in Al-Anon often have this addiction too. When things are too calm, we might look too hard at our lives. Reaction: stir things up again.
3. They like to be the center of things. They want to be the ones who are pursued and the ones who make the choices. This makes them feel less out of control and overwhelmed.
4. They're suffering the effects of alcoholic insanity. They make many choices that no sane person would make.
All this insanity pulls us into insanity too. That's one reason we need recovery as much as they do. I hope you can get to some meetings and start working on your own serenity. And keep coming back here too.
A group of alcoholic/ addicts told me they were skilled manipulators and liars. I was shock to hear this. I am sorry you were hurt in your relationship. I understand the confusion and frustration. Under the fog of addiction they don't have good judgment. We just have to take care of ourselves.
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Take it one day at a time. If that is too much take it a minute at a time.
Stillalive...I can tell you that when you describe him...you are describing someone very childish, hedonistic, and really only concerned about himself. You sound deeply disturbed by his behavior and everything you are describing just highlights that he doesn't seem grown up enough for you and doesn't share the same relationship values that you do.
People who are too busy partying, drinking, and using drugs are usually liars and not good relationship material (this is a generalization). Active users and alcoholics are not spiritually grounded and they make decisions based on what will make them feel good in the moment. Most alcoholics and addicts don't know or realize they are hurting other people because they are too busy just trying to please themselves and they live in HUGE denial of their drug abuse and the behavior that accompanies it. It is not purposeful game playing. Don't attribute movitives to his behavior that probably are not there. Most likely, he is just immature and thoughtless. I think alanon can help you find yourself, better define what you are willing to put up with and what you wont, and also help you realize what you deserve in a relationship and that it actually is out there for you.
