Practical advice regarding finances - Al-Anon Family Group

searching4peace · Veteran Member

Practical advice regarding finances

Jennifer · ~*Service Worker*~

I was also responsible for the finanaces in my marriage. It can defintiely be hard to balance between meeting needs and not being the "keeper" of the money. From my experiences I believe everyone should have their own bank account, especially stay at home parents who may not otherwise have a chance to make much credit history. It helps to have that little bit of credit history in so many situations. Aside from that I never truly found a place of balance on the financial responsibility issue. My exah did not accept the responsibility for the job and it made my life more dificult so I resumed taking care of it. I would say the best solution I found over the years was a set amount I needed to take care of the basic needs in a healthy manner and the rest was his to manage. I did have to practice saying NO and keeping good boundaries as his share never lasted as long as needed and if I was frugal I had a small cushion. I did learn from other's shares and put just a few dollars away every week and when my situation became more than I could live with I was grateful for that little bit tucked away. I am also interested in what worked well and not so well from others.

Jen

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

In my 36 years of marriage, I tried numerous times to involve my ex to work together in the area of finances. Nothing I tried worked.

I recall there at the last of our marriage, I told him emphatically that I would not manage it all any longer by myself. I asked him why he felt so comfortable with me handling all the money; I even tried to stir him up and asked him if he even knew that I was honest with him about where our money went. He laughed and said that he knew me well and that he trusted me completely. He also said that I did "such a great job" so why should he get involved.

I even asked him, "What if I die? What would you do? You wouldn't know where anything is!!!!" He laughed again and told me that he would figure out if needed. (Lesson: don't try to reason with an A)

Long before I realized our marriage wasn't going to last, I got 2 credit cards in my name in order to establish some credit. he thought that was ridiculous, but I stood my ground there. I had read in some newspaper that it is wise for a woman to do so.

Then, 3 years ago when I moved out for 7 months on my own my good credit record came in quite handy. The apartment manager ran a credit check in my name only. It got me the apartment that I needed at the time. Also, I got a checking/savings account in my name at the time of moving out. When I returned to the marriage for another 2 1/2 years, I kept my separate accounts. He didn't like that either. (oh well, I knew by then to move with caution)

I think even if a marriage is heaven, I would suggest to any woman to establish her own accounts and credit history, for you never know if the spouse will stick around. Of course, that goes for males, too, if they are the stay-at-home parent/person.

Sorry I could not offer any tips on getting an active A to step up to the financial plate! If I ever do, I'm writing the book!

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

Debbie,

Take whatever steps need to be taken to take care of yourself first. In this case your credit, always remembering it's not a good idea to let the monkey guard the "Banana Truck".

HUGS,
RLC

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Well if wishes were wings piggys would fly....

NO WAY would I take a chance at losing everything becuz of the A when I didn't have to! Honey I am losing my HOME, becuz of AHs disease!

You are not leaving it to him, you are leaving it to a disease! It doesn't care about you or your kids! Whats this community thing who will take care of you? NO way with a dad who makes money? Plus with the economy the way it is resources are very hard to find.

I believe we should have our own account yes to protect us. But to set you and your kids up like that honestly is not wise.

I am speaking from my own experience.

I know it is hard, but I have a feeling this is denial getting to you. He is sick!Would you do this if he had a brain tumor?

The thing is if he had any other disease I doubt you would even consider this. This disease is insanity at its best.

They arer very ill people. Especially if they are not in recovery.

I am sad it has come to this. I know you must be tired. But sadly sometimes things are very tough!

Wish I had known how sick my A was sooner. I would have protected me better.

As it is I lost everything, including my perfect credit. Am driving an ugly car, and struggling. But I am very ok.

love, great question, and you are really working your program! love,deb

Rora · Senior Member

My experience was that the A could not handle the responsibility of handling the finances. LIke you, I didn't want to "control" the finances and left responsiblity with the A. Without fail, he would spend unwisely and not pay bills and it would normally cause another argument. Living with the A, the money always seemed to disappear and ends never met.

It was a slow process for me to untangle myself from the A financially. It started with getting out of "joint" accounts and credit cards. Since being separate from the A and being a single Mother, I've made more financial gains in the last 2 years than I did in my 8 years with the A. I've learned from this and I would never co-mingle money in a relationship again.

I like and fully support the expression RLC used that it's not a good idea to let the monkey guard the Banana Truck. smile

Rora

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I can sure sympathize with the desire not to pull the weight for the A any more. And it sounds as if you're the gatekeeper for the money, so he's probably hassling you for money to feed his habit, I would guess. Being in the line of fire all the time is sure not fun.

The way I see it, though, you're not taking care of the money for him, you're doing it for you and your kids. That's who you need to protect.

Sadly, my experience is that A's spend all the money and more. Nothing stops them from using it all up and going into debt. My A got himself $90,000 in debt and finally declared bankruptcy. Now he's up to about $80,000 of debt again, I understand. I separated our finances early on, so thank goodness I'm not hit by this. But if I had relied on him for money to keep a roof over my head and to feed our child, I would have been out of luck.

I can easily see that in an effort to get you to hand over more for his addiction, he'll keep hassling you until you give him control of all the money, as you're tempted to do. But even if you were separated or divorced, the courts would award you some of that money. My thought would be to make sure you get what you and the kids need to survive, however you arrange things.

I've also been subject to the temptation to just say, "Right, you want to ruin things? Here are the reins! Take control and go ahead and ruin things! Then it will be all your fault!" And feeling a kind of martyr satisfaction at it. Because taking care of myself and being the responsible one is exhausting. But there are more constructive ways to keep things going.

I hope you can get to meetings and get a lot of support -- no one should have to do this alone. Hugs to you.

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Searching,
I have to agree with the others. I have my 40th wedding anniv. this week with the alcoholic. We've been at it for a long time. A lot of experience. He has been in AA for 11 yrs. and me in AlAnon for 11 yrs.
5 years before he got sober (1995) I got my own checking account. I got it because it was the only way my job would direct deposit my pay checks. He didn't find out about it until 2005. Wow, was he ticked. Well, now that he knew, he pressured me to close it and if not close it, then link it to the other accounts so he would/could have access to it. I refused.
Also, I entered into a pension arrangement that took out small amounts of my check and put it aside for when I retired. When he found out about that he really pressured (for years) for me to cash it out and put it into joint accounts. Little did I know that medical insurance was part of that pension arrangement. I am so happy now. I have retired and have access to medical insurance for 1/5 of what we were paying for it. (We lost health insurance when he lost his job so we had to pay higher rates for independent payers.) My HP was watching out for me when I wasn't.
My sis was having some trouble with her hubby, not knowing if it would end in divorce. My mother (shocker to me) told my sis that she would open accounts in her name to hide money from my BIL (who is a banker). My mom is now dead, but even in her generation she saw that women, expecially SAHM, need to be protected from hubbys with problems.
Just the fact that you are here asking these questions is evidence that your HP is looking after you.
"Don't let the monkey guard the banana truck". Fantastic!!!

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

My instinctive urge would be to hand him a pair of crutches (one labeled cigarettes and the other alcohol) with a price tage of 12,000 dollars on them and then tell him that those crutches that he uses to get through life are awfully expensive and you hope that he learns how to walk again some day on his own.

However, I know that would be petty, mean, vindictive....not working a good program. I would still want to do it though...lol.

P.S. I think you are already on the right track. Some times you just need to hear yourself think and put it on paper to confirm it.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.