The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I went to two more alanon meetings last evening and I realize that I am not comfortable at any of them. I have always been a lone soul. I hate crowds and groups. I love what they have to offer, but is that the only option? Would a private counselor be as effective? I see the wisdom here, and I want more than anything to get better, and if alanon is imperative, I will do it. I don't want to lead myself in the wrong direction. I am comfortable here, and I know I need to step out of my comfort zone, but I don't ever see myself opening up in front of a group. Any insight would be appreciated. I will do whatever is necessary to fix me. I just don't feel comfortable there. I feel best when I am by myself. I turn on some good tunes and read.
I'm sorry you have not found a group meeting where you feel comfortable. While I believe there is great value in private counseling, al-anon offers a support that is different. To hear others tell "your story" and be surrounded by people who not only understand, but have lived it, well, there is something so magical and healing in that. There are a number of members here at MIP with awesome recovery who, for various reasons, do not attend in person al-anon meetings - debilyn, Kitty, Bettina (?) and Suzannah (?) come to mind right now. There are meetings here twice a day, as well as a chat room available 24 hrs a day.
Your resolve to do whatever you need to do to heal is your ticket to freedom. Glad you are here. Keep coming back!
Blesings,
Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
I understand you feelings as I too hated meetings. I attended, sat in the back, never shared and left right away. I did keep coming back as I had no where else to go and I needed what the meetings offered. I took what i liked and left the rest.
I did not speak for over a year and slowly I began to open up and share that only happened when I found a small enough meeting that I felt safe in.
I am meeting a sponsee that I have had for over a year At her first meeting she asked me to be her sponsor and I agreed She attends meetings 2xs a week and cannot share. She walks out immediately and we walk home together Last week she shared for the first time and it was powerful.
I found the friendships and human connection of face to face meetings were both very helpful to my reccovery Not to mentiion having phone numbrs of people I could call any time when I was in crisis. These were healthy people who gave me program tools and supported recovery. These are a few of the benefits of face to face.
Please be gentle with yourself and do not give up before the miracle
Come here attend meetings, learn how to share without fear on line and when you are ready possibly a great face to face will surface
Whatever you do keep coming back
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 13th of March 2011 09:15:19 AM
Steph, I don't attend f2f meetings as there are none around where i live. I am a very private person and something of a loner and I wonder how comfortable I would feel if I were able to attend one. I come here every day that I can and the posts and replies are very helpful. I also attend the online meetings when I can. I've only shared twice in over a year but I always get something from the meetings and feel better afterward. Maybe you need to try some different meeting groups to find one you feel comfortable with. Maybe it's just a matter of time and you will feel more relaxed and ¨at home¨ in one of them after awhile. In the meantime you may want to check out the online meetings here. The information is under LINKS in the yellow box at the top left of the page. And please, keep coming back
Hello Steph - one lone soul to another - I hear you! I read a lot; I rant while driving alone in my car to get the frustration out; I have imaginary conversations with my A to get what I want to say out of myself, hear it spoken and examine the truth of what comes out; I like reading posts here, helps me see that i am not alone in going through the crazymaking behaviours of my AH. I like the motto - take what you want and leave the rest. I live where meetings are scarce and all seem to be scheduled when I have to work and being alone, work has to come first. Also, because of the small size of my community - I am not sure I would ever open up at a meeting because everybody is related to everyone else around here and if you aren't related, then you are a friend of a friend of someone who knows my AH and he WILL hear about it and then I will hear from him. The town I live in has a big pool of people who love to gossip - anything you say is fair game for them and you cannot trust anyone - I choose not to play their game. If I could go to a big city and attend truly annonymously I might, but I can't. So - I use the board, my books, my own feelings, my car rants, etc and fake it till i make it! good luck!
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Hi steph, I really enjoy my meeting and have become very close with the people there I see them as my family. However I know one of my friends in Al anon hates to share she has been going for a while and really has to push her elf to open up, I have told her how great her shares are and how much I get from them. Lots of people do not share at meetings for a long time YOU DO NOT HAVE TO DO ANYTHING YOU DO NOT WANT TO. I started going to a new meeting about a year agao and it did take me a little longer to settle there. I hope you try afew and see how you get on as the people in al ano are truley a special hugs xx
I will share with you my experience. Years ago, my then-Ahusband and I sought counseling because one of our teenage sons was having extreme difficulties. After a few sessions, the counselor addressed my then-husband's drinking. That made hubby very, very uncomfortable as you can imagine. It wasn't long after that he concluded that he didn't need to attend the sessions - hubby thought it best that I go by myself. So I did.
That was 17 + years ago. I have gone to private sessions off and on over the years to the same counselor. In these sessions, I've addressed a number of issues, one being married to an alcoholic. The sessions have helped immensely.
However, in hindsight, I do believe that if I had to do it over again I would attend Al-Anon meetings in conjunction with private counseling.
As someone mentioned, the human contact of others who have experienced similar situations, the listening to others tell your story, and numerous other benefits are only offered at meetings.
I've only attended one Al-Anon meeting last June (2010). It was a speaker's meeting, I think they called it. One member shared her story. So the rest of us just listened. Like you, after the meeting I quickly split. Others were very welcoming, but it was me who felt so weird about it. I decided that meetings are something I didn't need.
But I'm reconsidering that conclusion now. I've a lot of preconceived notions about wh Al-Anon is not suitable for me that I have proved not yet; how could I? I haven't attended but one meeting!
There is a meeting nearby every Tuesday evening. I'm going to attend for at least 3 months and then decide if it is for me. Or perhaps I'll try another meeting place. I was going to go last Tuesday; however, I had a counseling appointment at 6 PM that day that I had scheduled long ago. No more counseling appointments on Tuesdays for me, at least for a while.
Like others have said here, you don't have to share your story - just listen for now. When we try new things - step outside our comfort zone - things usually don't feel like a good fit. So keep that in mind.
I was too hasty deciding that meetings were not for me. I'm returning to try them again.
Listen to your heart; it will tell you what is right for you. It's trick at first to trust if it's your heart thinking or your old tapes inside your head. After a while, you know the difference.
-- Edited by GailMichelle on Sunday 13th of March 2011 01:35:46 PM
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
I can so relate to your feelings. I went to three different Al-Anon meetings when I started and I couldn't relate at all. The people were very different from me, and one of the meetings was so boring I couldn't wait to get out of there the first second I could. Another one was badly run so that the same couple of people did all the talking and it felt like it was the listen-to-me show. In the other one the people told wild stories that were nothing like my experience.
Because of that I didn't go back for many years, though I kept on with counseling. Like some others here, I now wish I had stuck with the meetings from the beginning. When I finally went back and went to enough to find one I was comfortable with, things began to change in earnest. I also started with the idea that wild horses wouldn't make me share. It was more than a year before I said a peep.
So I think it is a matter of trying enough meetings until you find the one that fits, and then keeping on showing up until the feeling of strangeness and shyness wears away. One thing that helps me think about it is that I think of the many A's I've heard who say, "I'm just not a group kind of guy. I'm going to do recovery, but without meetings." When they say that, my heart sinks, because I know how their do-it-yourself recovery is going to end. The power of the group helps us stay strong. That's been my experiencei.
Hi Steph, I have been attending Al-Anon for over a year now (not a regular, but pretty good for the most part). I find it near impossible to share. I am absolutely terrified. Ironically, I am a teacher, so speaking in front of such a tiny group should be easy. For me, I think the fear stems from the fact that I am scared I will cry. Sometimes I think I am being really strong and doing very well...but as I enter the room I get nervous and near tears. I guess it all becomes real then. Last week I spoke for about 4 minutes. By the end of it I was nearing panic, my hands shaking, etc. It was very obvious I was nervous and emotional...but when it was all over and theothers thanked me for it...I know their thank you was genuine. I think they saw my speaking as a victory for me and my progress in the program. Although I am not proud of the fact I am terrfied to speak, I am not ashamed either...I truly feel these people care about me and understand why I might be reacting the way I do. I have been proud of myself all week! A small victory to some, but a huge step in my recovery.
I am very shy. I have a hard time sharing at meetings. I have 3 different meeting to attend. I am afriad I'll sound stupid. I am a loner too. I am an only child. I don't have any friends. When others share they seem to have their thoughts together. I am usually all over the place in my mind.
I don't have a sponsor and I am too scared to call anyone from the meetings.
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Take it one day at a time. If that is too much take it a minute at a time.
Steph, I'm incredibly shy and a complete introvert, yet for some reason I felt instantly at home at the first meeting I attended and have gone regularly ever since. Not only did I share my story at that first meeting, within a few months I was chairing meetings and am now our Group Representative.
Wish I could tell you what hooked me, but I have no idea. I can't even say that I walked into that first meeting with a completely open mind. I'd had quite a negative experience attending ACoA Al-Anon meetings locally about 20 years previously (they have since vanished, we have only Al-Anon now) where the only thing members ever shared were the minute details of their problems with people in their lives, never any strength or hope or positive solutions. It was like a big hour-long pity party. Anyway, I half suspected I was going to encounter the same thing all over again.
Most of the credit goes to some of the core members who welcomed me with big warm smiles and made me feel safe. Although our stories were quite different (none grew up with Aism and most of their AHs have many years of sobriety), they are women just like me -- older, educated, professional. I think it was the fact that they were still attending Al-Anon even though they weren't dealing with active Aism that impressed me the most; they looked like they had their stuff together and I wanted that for myself.
However, I know I need to find a sponsor and our group is so small that I have to seek one elsewhere, yet I haven't been able to get myself to a different meeting.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
What an awesome share and such great responses!! It's good to remember how it use to be, what happened and what it is like now. Thanks Steph from a member who use to carry the nickname "Lone Ranger" when he was a kid and living right smack dab in the middle of the disease of alcoholism. I use to run away from home and hide in the mountain and low land jungle areas of where we use to live on Oahu. Scared? I know fear better than I know the back of my hand. Shy, introverted, quiet and mousey...what else, oh I know I use to feel lonely and angry at the same time while being around others...Lonely and threatened by company...scarey.
I tried Al-Anon twice...first time I went a couple of times and I was too angry and fearful so I was inappropriate and distrubtive but who the hell cared I left and left before I heard the promise that life would get worse for me because the disease was progressive...and so it got worse for me. I talked my wife out of AA and she was grateful and showed it by going on a long drinking run...I was toast!! The next time I got into program (Al-Anon) it was purely by HP's hand...HP wanted me there in my totally wrecked state. I was considering another suicide attempt and HP thought that ending my life would be most successful by learning how to end how I was living it. I took all of my characteristics in to the meeting rooms along with one other idea which you also mentioned. I became willing to do what was necessary to gain my peace of mind and serenity. I had no other options..it was either sit, stay, listen, learn, practice or die...literally. Lots of people don't reach the die part and lots do. Alcoholism is a fatal disease and that doesn't mean only the alcoholic dies from it. I've seen family members die from it many times. Anyhow I also learned that I didn't know anything about alcoholism and didn't know that I didn't know so all was required of me was to sit and listen to others. The closing statement of the face to face meetings mentions, "If you keep and open mind you will find help". That all I needed for the start...HELP!!! We had 439 meetings of AA and Al-Anon in the tri-county area where I got into program and when it was suggested that I get to 90 meetings in 90 days; the only way I couldn't do that for myself was to act no way!...but then I was needy for something better than what I had which was zero to death and I got to 102 in 90 days...drove, walked, hitched, jogged bummed rides. All I had to do was go with an open mind. The consequence has been today I have a life I wouldn't surrender for anything to anyone except someone who would like something similar in which case I would tell them that "If you are willing to do what ever it takes to attain and maintain your peace of mind and serenity...go to as many meetings as you can over the next 90 days with an open mind and sit down...stay put...listen (with and open mind), learn and then practice, practice, practice. Talking is optional unless you ask, "Can you help me?" then go back to listening with an open mind. We keep it simple.
I don't really have a helpful answer to share, but would just add that I too feel somewhat the same way you do. I've been going once/week for about 5 months. I think I've probably shared 4 times, including the last 2 weeks. I don't share voluntarily, but the way my meeting works people either pick you or we go around the room. I have found sharing to be incredibly difficult. I get emotional and embarrassed and have a really hard time speaking. I see others who started in our group after me and they seem so much more comfortable sharing. It frustrates me but I know comparing my recovery to others is useless--this is my recovery, not theirs.
After the last meeting, someone approached me and I can't tell you what a difference that made. I talked with her for 5 minutes and it felt so good not to be the first one out of the room! Gradually the ice breaks a bit. For me, I know that if I just keep going it will happen. For now it is hard though. I can relate.
Thank you all so much. Lots of info to take in. I am trying to have an open mind. Everytime I pull up to the meeting sites, I feel like I'm going to a job interview....lol....I love the information that comes from the meetings, but I think I would be just as good by reading a transcript of a meeting. I attend the ones here online, and get a lot from them. There are a few more I can try. I just wanted to know that it's possible to still get better without going. My mother seems to think I'm afraid of being close to people. Maybe she's right. I will figure it out. Thank you all. Both sides of the issue all in one post. Have a good day all :)
The changes proposed by a 12 step program seem radical and threatening at first. It also seems rather cultish. I felt that way when I first started going to meetings. Then I realized that the people in the meetings were functioning far better than I was so I just surrendered and went with it. I spewed out all my sickness in meetings and just decided to take the help that was there. This is AA I am talking about though...so when I made that decision, it was knowing that my life depended on it. Your situation is a bit different in Alanon. The quality of your life depends on it more (at least that's how it seems different to me). Anyhow, I've been to AA meetings, N.A., Coda, and Alanon meetings and I just wanted you to know that you might think that you are the only shy person there. Look around next time and you will see plenty of others more like you. 12 step groups are made of all different kinds of people united by a common purpose. You are not necessarily supposed to become an extravert when you are naturually not that way. Alcoholism and those affected by it are at risk of continued problems due to isolation. So...going to meetings forces us to be part of a world that is larger than us and it is healthy for all of us....The burden of problems is lessed to the degree that they are shared.
Just do what is comfortable to you. You are sharing great on here and that is a good start. It takes time to change and this was big for you to even start posting her right?
Well done Pink. Caught me off guard, but point well made. Yes, it was not easy for me to post here either. I will give this issue some more thought. Thank you for pointing that out to me.
