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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Anniversaries
Post Info TOPIC: Anniversaries
Cloudsea


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Date:
Anniversaries
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Hi, all:

This is the first time in many months I have posted a thread of my own.  My H of 22 years is an 8 months' sober A.  I go to f2f Al Anon meetings, although with my insanely busy work schedule and traveling, I probably only get to one a month.  I come here several times a week.

My issue is that I am starting to encounter anniversaries of very bad times.  It was about this time last year that my H was in the worst, most helllish part of his alcoholism before he finally sought treatment in late June 2010.

My now 11-year-old daughter plays with her musical group at an annual school event, and last night was the event.  I have been flooded with memories.  This time last year, I came home to find my H bug-eyed and out of it.  He was sluggish, slow witted and slow to respond.  He usually does the cooking and had made a meal, but it was unrecognizable.  He had left out ingredients, or recipe steps or both.  I asked had he been drinking, and of course the answer was no.

As the night wore on, and at the concert, he got worse.  I could never figure that out because he was with me at the concert and didnt have access to any booze there.  But his speech started to slur and his gait got woozy and unsteady.  He kept bothering my daughter to leave even though she is required to load up the instruments and stay until they release her.  He made loud comments about the band director, and just generally made a fool of himself and embarrassed us all.  I have never talked to my daughter about how she felt, but I know she was mortified about her Dad's behavior ...

I can feel all those feelings I was experiencing then -- rising panic, heart throbbing, stomach clenching.  Also bewilderment -- what is going on?  what is happening?  why is this happening to us?  how could he do these things?  Let's get out of here as soon as possible before he does anything else....

We are heading into a time of year where there will be a series of these memories of events of last year -- each worse than the other.  I am struggling with questions.  Why am I having these really really strong memories -- almost like movies I can see in my mind?  What is HP telling me?  Should I 'push them away'?  I was in deep denial this time last year, so I don't think I should ignore or deny these feelings and thoughts.  but I just don't know what to do with them or what constructive thing I can make of them...???

I am just looking for guidance, thoughts and ESH.

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pinkchip


~*Service Worker*~

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Try and stay with an attitude of gratitude. You are grateful things are different now right? Those are just memories. The program tells us to live in the present and to keep it simple. I hear that you went through some rough times, but you both are empowered now and different people than a year ago. Embrace the positive changes. Perhaps write a gratitude list for all you have to be grateful for in the present when these thoughts about the past try and haunt you. Also, you mentioned your higher power. I do not know if you have a God box or have worked step 3, but this traumatic past is something that ought to be turned over to your HP. You have no control over it and cannot change it. What is done is done.

When you really think about it Cloudsea, what evidence is there that this summer will not be the best summer of your life? None. It could be. You don't need to brace for a catastrophe that probably wont happen. I have memories like that too...of my own alcoholism and of how ugly it got with my partner's alcoholism...It makes me shiver sometimes to think of how bad it was, but I am not in that spot any more and am so grateful for it.

You also just lessened the power of those images and memories by sharing here and it will be the same in your meetings too.

Peace,

Mark

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Loupiness


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I very much understand the bad memories and flashbacks. For me it is holidays (almost all of them) and certain locations that get me spinning. When those thoughts get triggered now, I think about them briefly and how it made me feel back THEN and deliberately change my thoughts to anything else, so thankful it is NOW. As the years pass, I am replacing the bad with the good. It takes time and practice, practice, practice.

Blessings,
Lou

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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace.
~ Ronald Reagan~

Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't
~Marguerite Bro~
Debilyn


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I learned to say stop myself and put in everything is ok. You are still grieving from the pain of those things.

I bring myself to where I am when those icky thing hit. It works. For instance to being myself to the moment, I say these things.

I am sitting on my recliner, Tavish basset is next to me, I see Bonnie newfyx wrestlign with Happy, Poodle on the floor, I see NCIS on tv, I see the bird feeders.I see the remote next to me. I hear ncic, I hear my computer I hear the birds tweeting.

I smell dogs...lol I smell the clean dishes. I can feel the keyboard under my fingers. my elbow on the armrest on my recliner....It brings me to where I am.

I promise in time you won't feel that stuff anymore. It may run thru, but its fleating. There are times that will stand out. I still have them from my first husband that died 30 years ago. But mostly good ones.

Memories from my ex AH were tough. But thats gone too.

don't be hard on yourself!treat yourself kindly.

When we get caught up in those bad things, it takes our hearts from the good stuff that is right there.

Love, deb

__________________

Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
hotrod


~*Service Worker*~

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Hi Cloud 

Boy do I identify with all that you posted.  These feelings, resentments and unbelieve

able pain did not leave me until I did a 4th thru 9th step on the issue.

  Write it all out, find your sponser, talk it over.  It sounds as if you are up to step 6 (being entirely ready to have God remove these). 

It does work  Please keep trusting the process.

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
nmike


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Love the advice here. I too have lots and lots of memories. My AHsober left the marriage. (30 years). Because I have an obsession of the mind, I can go all day long remembering. We did this together, we went here together, we did this with the boys, this is where he yelled at me, this is event that we missed because of an argument, this is when he didn't talk to me for six weeks, this is what he disapproved of, this is the surgery that he didn't even come see me; it goes on and on. I am reminded of one day at a time and to stay in the NOW. Hard to do.

In support,
Nancy

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Jerry F


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Aloha Cloud...Nancy hit on it for me..."Obsession of the mind".  As long as we have
memory the story will be available to retell however the event is already over.  In our
ODAAT daily reader...Dr. Harry Tiebout talks about the difference between the
conscious and sub-conscious and it is the sub-conscious I learned that stores the 
memories and then releases them when It wants not when I want and I get to look
at the event again and re-feel the feelings and re-experiences words and behaviors
too...If I choose.  I was taught about projecting and fortune telling in the program;
projecting the past into the present and future and predicting the reoccurance of a 
past event I had experienced.  I learned that I also had choices and because of that
blessing I can turn my sub-conscious triggers off like a light switch when I want to or
if I want to.  I used to hold on to old events at times because I thought I could still
find solutions to them until I learned and accepted I was living in a different time
frame.  

I had a sub-conscious event in dreams last night.  It was nasty -and- it isn't real
just my subconscious re-enacting events from over 50 years ago.  Did I act on it?
No.  Would I act on it today? No.  What do I do with it...Let it go and continue on
with my present which is really good when I don't allow my past to screw it up.

Stay in the moment, hang out with your HP and Al-Anon family and keep coming
back.   ((((hugs)))) smile

ps...sometimes Alcoholics have "drinking dreams" where they relive drinking events
that seems just as real as when they actually did them but are only dreams. 

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Lala03044


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I can also relate to this, only I seem to be having a problem letting go of good memories from the past.........

I realize not being in the present prevents me from enjoy what is right now.

Alanon has helped me to feel the hurt and pain but to also let go of it.   In the past,  I would hang on for dear life to every resentment and hurt.

take care,

Laurie

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"breathe in faith, exhale fear".
maryjane


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1152
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Hi,
I have those feelings flood over me too at times.  I can't even call them memories as much as feelings.  And I think it is my sub-conscious telling me that I was in so much denial back then, and I allowed so much to happen that shouldn't have happened....(that was MY part in it)... and it is telling me that I have learned so much in Al-Anon.  I have come such a long way.  I am grateful of what I have and have no reason and no desire to live in fantasyland.  I don't have to deny what happened.  I don't have to have bad feelings over what happened because it was not me that made it happen but the alcoholic that I was with that did the nasty stuff.  I was frozen at the time, but it reminds me that I am not frozen today.

Use the bad emotions to remind you of how far you have come.

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maryjane
Cloudsea


Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 98
Date:
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Thank you everyone for your responses.  I think that in part the memories are so strong right now because, as some of you said: (a) I am still grieving, and (b) only now do I fully understand what was going on at that time. 

I have a strong feeling that I need to accept the memories and the events beforeI can put them in their proper perspective, and I believe I have not yet fully accepted them.  I think that is what is going on right now.  Not easy at all.  I agree that posting this here  has helped me to let it go of it a little more.

Thank you.

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