The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today I was thinking about how several years ago, before I had any recovery, a counselor said, "Doing the same things over and over and expecting different results is INSANE."
It occurred to me what a different meaning this statement has to me now. I've heard people say it often in meetings and on here, and I wholeheartedly agree and believe it.
It's funny, though. When I first heard the counselor say it, I immediately thought to myself, "YEAH - exactly!! The fact that my AH keeps drinking every day and expecting that he won't get drunk and we won't get in a fight is INSANE!" LOL - I just didn't get it. I heard that sentence and immediately started applying it to all the alcoholics in my life. It was crystal clear to me how their behavior was insane. [I just assumed that the alcoholics actually wanted something to be different - because that is what I wanted for them. What they wanted on their own never crossed my mind.]
It took me a long time before I realized that the slogan was for ME. I was the one doing the same things over and over. I was the one hoping every day that things would be different, when the only thing that ever changed was how I got progressively sicker. I was the one nagging all day and all night and checking up and searching and being crazy. I was the one asking "are you drunk?" and then believing the indignant "no" and telling myself I was just crazy paranoid. I was the one picking people for friends and relationships that would be completely perfect except for the one tiny little detail that they were always drunk. I was the one that decided those people needed fixing and needed to be shown the "right" way, and that I was the one to do it. And I was the one that got all hurt and disappointed when it didn't work - no matter which of the thousands of ways I tried to make it work.
It's funny how we come in and hear a slogan or a reading and take one thing from it, and then later in recovery our perspective completely changes. I don't know why it works, and the recovery just sneaks up on me - but I've come to just accept that I don't need to understand the mechanics. Point is, I tried a million ways that didn't work, and all that happened was that I got sick. This was doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. The path of recovery is working - I'm going with it. :)
Oh you have no idea how much I needed to be reminded of this one today.
The last few months have been so so hurtful and difficult and I realise just now, when I read your words, how I had allowed myself to slip back into situations that were negative for me.
"Doing the same things over and over and expecting different results is INSANE."
"Nothing changes until something changes."
Yep, that means I stop getting myself in with negative people who have such negative attitudes that they will not hear my words is rubbish. It only serves to suck me down on their negative vibes. So, stop being with negative people. If they are not prepared to look, accept, believe that the change needs to be within themselves and continue to not want to listen. Nothing changes until something changes and the only person you can change is you and telling me I am making it worse for them because they do not want to hear what I have to say means I stop saying it to them and do not let myself be critised so much that I lose my own belief in myself.
Stop expecting something to change if nothing is changing.
I need to make the change and I will walk away.
My health is important, my focus is important, I know what works and what does not work. If others are not prepared to do something different to change the cycle of life they are struggling with, then I should STOP trying to convince them otherwise. They have to do it for themselves.
Sorry I know this might sound convoluted but it is a difficult scenario...your post however made me see what was happening and what I was expecting, erroneously.
Thank you honey. xxx
Suzannah God Bless
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
Right. What changed that for me was I had to face that I was attempting to control or manipulate them into a "healthier state of being" all the while - how could I be healthy or know what that is - if I was ever so focused on another's life (choices) and not on my own.
I have learned we are only truly effective when we are changing (empowering) ourselves and offering dignity and respect to others who make differnt choices than ours. When I first heard that I thought (what a crock of baloney) they dont deserve respect and dignity the way they act ~ LOL again, this was me comparing them to what I thought was good, right or healthy -and- I can only know that for me, not others. Me assuming they didnt deserve respect was an excuse for me to keep acting the way I was and justifying it to myself (just like the A's do) and it was a blame shifting (sick way we elude our own accountability and stay stuck as that victim). I was judging them and in turn, condemning myself with that same judgement. I was validating the concept that I was the one who did not know what it was to have dignity, respect and I was the one who clearly did not "deserve" it bc I was not exhibiting it. Let it begin with me.
I have learned that by exhibiting self resepct and dignity and keeping boundaries that allow me to change me and to not compromise the parts of myself that are not negotiable and stand up for me and change -- that has helped others to change in ways I could not have even imagined - and it has nothing to do with me, I am merely working my own program to the best of my ability and changing what I can - no longer focused on others to the total abandon of myself.
I was always preaching to them before program and how wrong they were, yet I was the one upset and when you try so hard to convince someone of something - there is no way you can convince them of it - they see you as a big zealot (fanatic, nut) and no one wants to see your point of view. Then we get obsessed with the idea of our idea, then we get out of touch with reality -- bc reality is right now and it is me (w the god of my understanding - we are together in my recovery - HP is in me and yet I must connect and keep surrendering to it, to be sure I am in line with it and not trying to over ride HP or HP's Will). I can't know what that is either, I can only keep surrendering in the moments and then it becomes revealed.
My recovery didnt "take" any sooner bc I had to get to the willingness to surrender and learn to step back from my own ego, my ego hurts me everytime. The expectations are the same way - if I get to focusing on the outcomes, I lose my serenity right away and the only way to get back to it, is to surrender the illusion of control and to surrender the outcomes. I remind myself that I want is not relevant and that only my needs can take priority-- my wants, are always changing and they often get me into trouble/pain (resistence). I will not be so focused on any one goal that I lose my serenity. No goal is worth that.
Who would have ever believed (not me) that surrendering and allowing (ppl to be themselves without any of my input) would be so effective. I find when I let go to god and stay in the moment and do me and stay focused on my own life changes/choices - maintianign self resepct by not telling them how to be a human being, but by accepting them as people, loving them (not judging or thinking about their life choices) forgiving them and allowing them to be who they are anyway - would be so effective in my life. I allow my bf to share with me, I dont demand tons of questions. He is not on edge and I am not feeling superior by asking, so I can be softer and not critical. I can accept reality today and not fight it bc today I know resistence causes all of my pain. Only I can feel-deal-heal my emotions and issues and when I work on me and have the miracle in my life, it shows others that it is possible for them too, if they decide to. It helps me a lot to remember that healing happens in god/HP's time, not ours. thanks for this great post/reminder, keep working it you are a treasure here!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
There was a reading in ODAT about the Alanoners making changes. It is hard for me to look at me. But I know that my AHsober is not going to change. He isn't in a program. Now, what am I going to do?
I had to hear this over and over again. and i spent too much time crying because he just wasn't getting it ...and everything would be so good if he only LISTENED to me and followed my advice. I totally discounted who he was. Even to Christmas presents, where I gave my AH nice shirts...for the job he would never get. lol. I read someone say the other day "sometimes you have to touch the stove over and over to make sure it's still hot." It's a hard lesson to learn. Good Luck, White Rabbit.
