"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

Honeypie · Veteran Member

How do you handle the naysayers?

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't tell them much, because I know what they are going to say and because, regardless of what they say I am going to do what I feel is the right thing to do for ME. You have all the time in the world you are willing to spend on him Honeypie, and like me, you have hope that somehow things will work out in the best possible way - hope fueled perhaps by memories of everything that makes you love him.

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

Honeypie I call those people on the outside "Earthlings".........People who are not walking in your shoes or working your program. They don't and can't understand. After I got in the program I took "Earthlings" suggestions with a grain of salt. I learned the least that can be said or discussed about the alcoholics in our life the better.

You have come a long way in a short period of time (23 days) since you first posted here on MIP. You have posted numerous times and received ES&H from members who shared with you what had worked for them. To me what is impressive is how you have accepted, trusted, and applied that ES&H in your life. Your attending f2f meetings and working your program to the best of your ability. You should be proud you, I certainly am.

Continue to keep the focus on you, and don't be to concerned about all the "Earthlings".

HUGS,
RLC

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

I went thru that early on in my recovery and thank HP for Al-Anon because by that
time I had learned a bit of understanding that those outside of the program really
had no idea about the right thing to do just as I didn't before I got into program.

All those emotion fuel reactions...I had a million of them and none of them worked.

I learned to tell them thank you for caring and then turned and walked away
with a smile. I like RLC's "Earthling" description LOL, kinda sorta fits in a way.

Keep coming back (((((hugs))))) smile

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Friends and family don't understand the disease of alcoholism. They dont even look at it as a disease. They are judgemental.

Like RLC says, they dont walk in your shoes.

Its better not to say too much to the people who are judgemental. The more you get into the program, you will know who you should
take into your confidence and who you shouldnt.

You must do what you feel is best for you.

Luv, Bettina

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

One of my alltime favorite sayings:

"what you think of me is none of my business"

T

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

One of the first things I learned here was to stop talking about my life with people who didnt understand ,Al-Anons understand they listen they share thier recovery with us , if you dont have a sponsor f2f yet find one quick they are guides who have been where were at and they are one of the biggest gifts of this program . Next time a friend asks how your doing ,say great and how bout you ? learning to divert takes time . and how you choose to live your life and with whom is no ones business but yours .. Louise

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I wonder if your friend really thinks you are dumb for hoping? Wouldn't anybody hope? I wonder if really she is scared for you? That would be natural. I am scared for all of us in relationships with alcoholics. There is so much volatility and insanity. All of us face extraordinary challenges every day. It takes so much recovery to stay balanced.

The thing is, of course, to have hopes, but not to have expectations. I am really trying to work the saying that expectations are premeditated resentments.

My guess is that your friend is worried about what would happen if your bf starts drinking again. Sadly, statistically she is right to think that it's very possible. It's something like 20% of alcoholics who go into recovery who say sober longterm. But that doesn't say anything about your individual situation or, crucially, about your own emotional balance.

I guess if we're realistic a view of life with a recovering alcoholic would be something like, "Like him, I'm taking it a day at a time. I'm aware that there are no guarantees. If things change, I have the tools to take care of my well-being, just as I do now."

There's something I also think about. What strikes me about alcoholics is that they don't understand the depth of the impact their drinking has on others' lives. When I read memoirs of recovered alcoholics, it's all about them and what they did and how they felt. They give a line to "And my wife was glad I recovered because she'd been really angry," but the daily impact of the alcoholism just seems not to have a real impact on them. I think that we, the ones close to the alcoholic, similarly may not realize the impact our co-involvement has had on our friends and family. We may be in a similar kind of denial. That doesn't mean we're not entitled to make our own choices. But the turmoil, sadly, often doesn't stop with us. It sounds as if your friend may have felt some of the distress too.

Hugs to you.

-- Edited by Mattie on Thursday 10th of March 2011 03:07:04 AM

Honeypie · Veteran Member

This has been really insightful. I will be remembering your advice when dealing with friends on the outside. I agree, having hope is a normal human reaction. I have been taking it ODAT which has really helped me focus on what I need.

I like what Mattie said "Like him, I'm taking it a day at a time. I'm aware that there are no guarantees. If things change, I have the tools to take care of my well-being, just as I do now."

Al-Anon has given me tools to help me deal with the disease of alcoholism and tools to deal with my own "people pleasing" disease. Thank you all for sharing your ES&H with me.

((((Hugs to you all))))

Honeypie

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

Everyone has the right to hope. Who are we, after all , if we have no hopes? That said, while we hope, we must keep in mind that it is counterproductive to excuse the possibility that our hopes may be dashed. In the meantime, I have learned to keep my own business pretty close to the hip, as more than one someone always takes the side of failure by warning you of the disappointments to come.

You must live your life as you see fit. Good luck to you. I send very best wishes for the future.

Diva

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I let them know I am in Al Anon. I have learned addiction is a disease.

I would say,"How would you feel if I gave up on you just becuz you were sick?"

I always told people I was not ready yet to give it up. I didn't want any regrets, that I needed to know I gave it my all.

hugs and good work on your program! debilyn

Rora · Senior Member

This is a very good question. Thank you for asking it. smile

Rora

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"