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Forgive me if this is long. I have been struggling the last few days. Yesterday was an eye-opener for me. I took 2 steps forward, one big step back and today feel like I just made a huge step forward.
I talked to A bf's friend who is an active member in recovery in AA. I told her what has been happening with A bf and how I have been feeling. She told me what everyone here says also that I need to do what is right for me. She said my A bf needs AA or rehab but he can only chose this for himself. She did reach out to him and he hung up on her.
Yesterday evening I realized I cannot see my A bf while he is actively drinking because it is too dangerous emotionally for me. I do love him deeply but he is so good at manipulation, I cannot trust myself to see him.
It is Friday night and my kids are with my ex-husband for the weekend. A bf knows this and has been thinking I am picking him up and bringing him to my house for the weekend. I have not talked to him since this morning and I did not mention coming to get him tonight. He called while I was still working and left a message just a "hi, it's me". I have not called him back because I am not sure what to say.
AA friend says I should ask him if he wants to get sober and offer him the numbers for AA or find him rehab. I really am not comfortable with this option since I know my A bf has been in AA and to rehab multiple times. He was in AA and sober for 1 1/2 years when we met. He was not drinking when we met. He knows who he needs to call if he desires to stop drinking. I feel guilty. Is it perfectly OK for me to not offer to give him AA phone numbers and not offer to help him get into rehab?
I know for my own recovery I need to focus on me. I have always been a people pleaser my entire life and now I am a little scared of calling A bf because it is not healthy for me because he can push my buttons still and I don't even realize what is happening. I do not want to go round and round with him not drinking with me then as soon as he goes home, he starts drinking again.
So, is it OK to not call him back? Is it OK just let go without explaining myself again? He knows what I told him, that I need him to be sober and I can't have him around me while he is drinking. Can I just let that be it?
when he calls and he will just tell him the truth you cannot be around him as long as he is drinking and leave it at that ,no reason to justify or say anymore. As you said he knows about AA and knows what he has to do to be in your life enough said . Louise
It is absolutely fine to tell him, and absolutely fine not to bring up AA. He already knows he can go to AA if he wants recovery.
I also think you are entitled and wise to protect yourself by setting boundaries.
We should keep in mind that alcoholics do what alcoholics do: they drink. So it is almost inevitable that he will have been drinking sometime when you get together with him. If your experience is like mine, he will deny it, or he will hide it so adeptly that you won't know what to think (is he slurring? is he just tired? am I paranoid? am I imagining things? was that a drunken comment or is he just trying to be funny? etc.) We start to get hyper-vigilant, because there's so much to be vigilant about -- because they are always trying to get away with pushing the boundaries.
I don't mean to be arguing against boundaries, because I think boundaries are essential. But you might think beyond that to your bottom line. Do you have one, and what would it look like? (I'm asking just for you, not that you have to write it out.) If you knew for certain that he was going to keep on drinking, what decisions would you make? I wish I had thought these things through years before I did.
Thank you all for your responses. I decided to get myself busy to refocus my mind on things Ineed. I went out and paid my Verizon bill, went to Kohl's and then to the Wal-mart for groceries. It was good to get out of my own head and do things I needed to get done.
As Louise said, A bf called while I was running errands. I answered the phone and he asked why I hadn't called or come to get him. I told him he already knew that I cannot be around him when he is drinking. He was sarcastic and a little mean saying fine. Then when I said ok, I have to go, he proceeded to tell me he loved me over and over and said he didn't know what else to say. I said I loved him too and this was about me and my needs and I had to take care of me. He asked what I wanted him to do and I told him he had to want to stop drinking, he can't quit alone and he can't do it for me, he has to do it because he wants to do it. He was angry and he hung up on me. I didn't call him back.
Honeypie, good for you for sticking to the boundary!
IMO, you do not need to feel like it is your responsibility to provide AA phone numbers, but if that's what you decide, then that's ok too - it's your choice. But, as you said, he is familiar with AA. Sometimes, we just can't help but feel like we should help. I can drive myself to the brink of insanity thinking about those things, so instead, I try to just think about me, what do I need to do for ME? That's what you just did...you stuck to your boundary. Yay you:)
What Mattie said about about not knowing what to think and being hyper vigilant (is he slurring, is he tired, am I paranoid ect..). Wow. I laughed a little as I SO SO relate. Sometimes I can't help starring at my AH and analyzing him and his mannerisms, his posture, his speech..all to death! Are his eyes red, or is it the lighting? Are his pupils big?.....wait, are pupils bigger or smaller in darker room?.....Google search time, ok, now off to the bathroom to see how my own pupils behave in different lighting conditions! Did he just slur...wait, did I imagine that, well, maybe that was a big word so it came out wrong, or, wait, what did he say? Is he talking too slow? how long did he sleep last night, he must be tired, or drunk, no but yes... blah blah.... just wow. I can just as quickly become the crazy one! I hate when I slip into that. ... then I know I need to go to alanon or come on these boards and tell on myself!
I'm glad you feel better:)
Danielle
-- Edited by danielle0516 on Sunday 6th of March 2011 01:48:57 AM
-- Edited by danielle0516 on Sunday 6th of March 2011 01:49:16 AM
-- Edited by danielle0516 on Sunday 6th of March 2011 01:50:15 AM
I am not laughing at you, but with you I hope. I filed for divorce a few weeks ago and I still get late at night calls from my husband. I am learning to set boundaries and to stick to them, because he does and will push them if I let him. I am learning rather than to spiral all the scenarios out in my head to find healthy things to do with myself and to keep busy. I am working my Al-Anon program and the steps, because I see that if I don't change my own ways I will continue in the same direction that found me here in a miserable life. I am glad to hear you stated what you needed from him. Stick to your guns and work the program and I believe you will find a new healthier you. In Al-Anon meetings I have made a couple new great friends and the group is like a new family to me. I pray you a more serene future!
__________________
God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
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Danielle - the thing about the pupils was hilarious! And it reminded me of all the googling I did about sober AH's behavior. I don't do that anymore, thank God.
just tell him the truth you cannot be around him as long as he is drinking and leave it at that ,no reason to justify or say anymore. As you said he knows about AA and knows what he has to do to be in your life enough said . Louise